Confusing behaviour? Ideas please?

[TripleCooked]

My partner of four years has recently started behaving oddly re sex. Previously, he would generally initiate and I'd be happy with that. Tbf sometimes he'd want more often than me but I was fine with that. I did occasionally initiate and always told him I was happy etc.

A few weeks ago he said he was worried I was going along with it when we would have sex, but he suspected maybe I just wanted to cuddle instead. He mentioned this a few times and said he felt bad if he'd been 'persuading' me to sex.

Then he went on to say another day that he'd not initiate sex with me anymore, he'd let me do that, so he knew I wanted it. If I just wanted to cuddle and fall asleep together that's fine by him.

I am baffled. Why has he changed behaviour after all this time? I never raised this as an issue with him. I think he loves me, he gives that impression, but why change the approach to sex when there wasn't an issue? It seems odd that he'd suddenly feel 'guilty' after all this time.

Maybe it’s been an issue for him much longer than you realise and it’s taken him a long time to speak about it ?

Yes, I get the impression that him usually initiating over time has started to feel a lot like you not having had as much interest of your own for a while (which may or may not be the case) and he doesn't wish to have sex without you fully on board.

I'd have a think about how you feel about sex- do you love doing it but are happiest him initiating, happy either way, could do without and it's more maintenance- and have another convo.

He sounds a decent bloke who doesn't want you going along with sex you don't want.

Thanks, yes I do think he's being decent. It is baffling as to why he's decided this after all this time though and from my perspective I feel pressure now to initiate more than I might, otherwise he will be having less than he would like. It was easier when he just made it clear he'd like sex!

I think that's what he's saying he wants from you, that you do want to have sex and for you to initiate rather than just going along with it because he does.

I think there's a lot more awareness these days (on social media etc) about the issue of consent. Perhaps he's over sensitive about this and just wanting to make sure you're 100% happy to go ahead, and the only way he can do this is by waiting for you to initiate?

Could there be a reason why he feels some reluctance to have sex with you?

Might be something as simple as he felt he was treading a fineish line for a while and you inadvertently tipped it with a comment or expression that's made him concerned you're not really into it for your own enjoyment. Definitely talk about this rather than just try and guess how often you 'should' be initiating.

If what you feel is 'I'm happy for you to initiate sex as often as you like. If I don't feel like it I will honestly say 'no' rather than do it anyway' then try that.

Everyone likes to feel attractive and desired, so maybe he wants you to show that in a more obvious way so he can also enjoy feeling wanted, just as you do.

Maybe he wants a change from the routine and repetition to keep things exciting?

sounds like it could be something like this. Perhaps he has overheard something or seen something and suddenly thought he may be making you feel pressured into it.
He sounds like a decent guy, who is just unsure now and just wants you to feel safe and happy with him.
I think you should just talk to him and tell him you don't feel pressured and everything was just fine and you like it when he initiates.