Struggling emotionally as a single parent

[OLDisburningmeout]

Me and exH split nearly 2 years ago, he left for someone much younger. He has our 2 primary age kids every other weekend. He pays child support but not a huge amount and I had to battle to get that in place.

I have two jobs and just about make ends meet financially but I am exhausted. The kids are in afterschool club due to my work hours, which they hate and we get home late, they're tired and grumpy. I struggle to keep up with washing, cooking, cleaning, etc. We dont have enough quality time together, but when we go for nice days out we're surrounded by couples and families and I just feel like a total failure.

Life feels so fucking hard and like I am barely surviving each day. I spent a year getting over exH when he refused to work on the relationship and left after 18 years together. I don't want him back, I dont feel anything for him anymore but right now I just hate how he turned my life upside down while his got easier.

I've been dating, mostly I've just met creeps, the occasional nice man but it's not gone anywhere due to wanting different things. And a situationship that broke my heart to be honest. I am so lonely and want some intimacy and companionship but I'm taking a break from dating as I don't have the headspace for it.

I am the only one of my friends to have gone through a separation, I have no family nearby. Friends are busy with their own families so I don't see them much. I have hardly any free time (or energy) to meet anyone or develop a relationship, which is what I would like again at some point.

I guess I just wanted to vent. I am so low, exhausted and resentful. I am in therapy which is helping but the loneliness hits so hard. The evenings are the worst. Once the kids are in bed I just sit and cry mostly then go to bed myself before waking up and doing it all again. I feel like I'm drowning.

Thank you to anyone who got this far. I just wanted to get it off my chest as I am struggling today. Does anyone relate? cos I feel so alone and dysfunctional right now.

It gets better. I remember thinking that about other happy families, remember all is not what it seems! There will be plenty of blended families you are seeing. Really good that you are in therapy, keep going with that. Could he not do one weeknight as well? Have you contacted Gingerbread to see if a single parent group in your area? Or join Single Parent Travel club, you can find on facebook, local days out and people meeting up together for holidays. Wishing you all the best and it will get better!

It gets better. I remember thinking that about other happy families, remember all is not what it seems! There will be plenty of blended families you are seeing. Really good that you are in therapy, keep going with that. Could he not do one weeknight as well? Have you contacted Gingerbread to see if a single parent group in your area? Or join Single Parent Travel club, you can find on facebook, local days out and people meeting up together for holidays. Wishing you all the best and it will get better!

Hugs. I could have written your post word for word.
It's relentless with no time or space to date.
Even if I did, all the guys on the apps are old and creepy.
When does it get easier, as I am also 2 years down the line?

Yeah, could end up like you LNY1986. Go back under your rock

I am in the same situation OP. My long term partner left for another women. Only he is never in the country and sees his kids a few weeks a year. I am 10 months into it and cry everyday. It such a struggle.

the poster who commented “be careful who you reproduce with”. I waited 10 years before I had kids with this man. I didn’t expect him to run off with a younger women.

I do not have any advice but want you to know you are not alone. I hear you. It’s really tough.

I could have, and did, write similar threads when mine were younger. I had to coparent our two traumatised children, one of whom is ASC, with my abusive narc XH whilst also battling him and his aggressive solicitor as a litigant in person in two court cases concurrently without any financial help from him at all (self employed job hopper) whilst working full time. There were some incredibly dark days and sometimes I felt the resentment and anger might swallow me whole. I would be kept awake at night by fantasies of causing him maximum pain and I’m not a violent person at all.

Time has passed so fast. They’re teenagers now and life is good with them. We’ve all been through so much together that we’re incredibly close. They occasionally see XH but they know what he’s like. I’m reaping the rewards of being the only responsible parent and they can barely be arsed to respond to his texts and only bother with him for money. I also managed to get £££ in backdated child maintenance from him recently which will go on a nice holiday.

Hold on in there op. It will get better and easier as they get older. The kids will come to understand what you sacrificed for them. I’m in therapy at the moment and starting to realise the importance of self care. Could you carve out a little time to prioritise yourself? Us single mums sometimes forget to put ourselves first occasionally.

I've been where you all are, I'm 5 years in and I'm a lot happier now, I'm comfortable in my own company. Things have been up and down contact wise but its now fairly stable. Try and make the most of your time "off" even if its just a walk on your own, or meeting a friend for a coffee. It makes a huge I difference not spending all of the time alone. I can't help with seeing the happy families as honestly that does still sting for me, but I know I'll meet someone eventually, likely when DD doesn't need me home as much.

Thank you everyone so far for the kind replies. I'm sorry to hear others are struggling too. But nice to hear some stories as well about things getting better as these give me some hope.

I am looking into the single parent groups suggested as that would be nice, thank you for the idea. I am trying to get exH to take on a weekday night also, this in itself is a battle and another source of stress and resentment. But hopefully I will get there.

Also I feel like I have been through hell and back the past 3 years, so spiteful little comments designed to twist the knife don't even really register. Nice try though 👍

No sage advice OP but just to say you are doing brilliantlly; Working 2 jobs, managing 2 primary aged kids as well as coping with everything on your own is demanding and exhausting but you are doing it!
Try not to compare to other so called happy families, you only have to read the threads on here to realise that no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, outward appearances can be deceptive and in reality many women are miserable and struggling in disfunctional relationships.
Re online dating perhaps take a break for a while as that can be soul destroying when you are feeling low. Maybe join Meetup to do something different on your free weekends? An activity or an interest you can dip in and out of. And as someone else said, try to carve out some relaxation time for yourself on those weekends too, and spoil yourself a bit, you deserve it.

Hi, me and dh split too and it was my choice but then the women I have read where they left they are all loving life but I left through no choice, I never wanted my marriage to end and I could have stayed but it would have been at the expense of being lied to and him being so financially terrible! But the love and loss and living your life without the marriage you wanted is hard and I feel like alot of people have clarity and I don't as he also had a good side. Anyway I have 2 children and 2 jobs too. I know people won't agree but if you are declaring both jobs then would it be better or even the same financially to just work 1 job and claim universal credits so that you can be with the kids. Go on the entitled to calculators to see what works out best. I have also gone on anti ds which help me to cope emotionally and stop huge thoughts about the future.

9 years in and I can’t say it has got that much easier really. practically the kids are easier to manage as they are older now but it is still a relentless cycle of work/ cooking/ cleaning/life admin. Emotionally I find it extremely difficult, not because I miss my ex but I hate being a single parent and having to make all the decisions alone (ex is not really involved), I also find holidays, Christmas, etc really hard. I do have good friends and family, which helps but I am still lonely a lot of the time, especially in the evenings and wish I had someone to do nothing with. I was in another relationship for a few years but that didn’t work out which really affected me. Sorry OP, this is not very comforting but definitely you are not alone in the way you feel.

It’s not got easier for me but my ex doesn’t have the children at all so different situation, no dating even if I wanted to as with them full time.
Keep waiting for it to “get easier”

I can relate to your post. I was left with a 4 year old and no help, working a full time job. It was so tough and frankly exhausting. I remember feeling exactly like you say in your post. No time to date, needed to work long hours to stay afloat, guilt over long hours in CC for DS. My exH on the other hand floated off with no responsibilities to leach off a new gf.

I’m now 8 years on. My DS is thriving and much easier as a 12 YO. My ex became slightly more reliable a couple of years in and has DS every other weekend which allowed me time to date, socialise and get my house in order.

I spent 4 years single and the last 4 have been with my lovely new DP (who is also a separated dad.) I now realise the hard times were completely worth it for me to break free from my past relationship and low confidence that was holding me back.

it’s so hard when the DC are young, but it does get easier although takes time. You are doing an amazing job!

What an arse 18 years, listen forget about finding someone you need to work on yourself , are there no clubs near you, I definitely would not recommend single parent groups, you need people from all sectors, how old are you, can you not work at your children's after-school club , I did that and my daughters breakfast club, go to your library they seem to do all sorts nowadays, coffee chats, maybe you find a job their ,you need a career job to meet people and up lift yourself as worthwhile I trained as a HCA in GP surgery loved it, to you live in London