My Mothers opinion of my new partner

[CharJ10]

Hi everyone,

Would love some advice/opinions on this as I’d like to try and see this from my mums point of view but so far I just feel she’s being a judgemental snob!

I’ve somewhat recently starting dating after separating from my daughters father (who was a decent man and I’m on good terms with). I eventually told my mum I’d met someone I’d been on a few dates with and enjoyed his company and her first question was ‘does he have a degree?’, I questioned why that was important? She explained in her opinion it shows a higher level of intellect, more likely to have a well paid job etc. To me, it doesn’t matter what job a person does and how much they earn. The main thing I’m looking for in a potential partner is that they’re kind, interesting and I can have a great conversation with them.

She’s gone on and on about this issue so much that it’s now put doubts in my mind. Am I being naive to think that job/money isn’t as important in a relationship in comparison to happiness? Should I be calling off things with this new potential boyfriend because he doesn’t have as well paid job as me? Surely that’s madness but as I say it’s got into my head.

Id really welcome your thoughts x

Is she just comparing him to your ex partner? Did she love him and so wants you to be with someone similar and is worried you’re choosing someone not as good, or did she not like him and is hoping that you’re not choosing someone similar?
I guess if she’s seen her daughter split from someone then she’s hoping that the next person you’re with would be your forever person as you don’t want to see your child go through heartbreak or pain from a relationship breakdown. Maybe being overprotective?
Was she the same when you met your ex partner?
I don’t think you should stop seeing someone because they’re not as well paid as you, unless it’s something you personally don’t think you could live with.

If you’re happy with him and he is kind to you and those you love that is ALL that matters.

Tell your Mum her opinion isn’t welcome.

Your mum does come off as a snob, sorry.
I think deep down she just wants to protect you, but she's going about it all wrong.

Money does matter when entering a relationship. But so far you've been out a few times and I've not read anything to tell me you're planning on marrying this man any time soon. So give yourself time to figure some things out.

Money matters because you need to agree on how you spend money in a relationship. What are your priorities? What are his? Are they compatible?

Work ethic and ambition matters. A highly driven person with loads of ambition may want a partner who is equally driven and passionate about what they do. Living with someone who's less motivated may lead to frustration. However, him not having a degree or earning less doesn't mean he's not driven. And you earning more doesn't mean you are. Again, it's about how compatible you are.

If you do start spending money together, a difference in income may complicate the discussion, but it doesn't have to. It's just a matter of figuring out who contributes more to the household and what you both feel comfortable with. For example, I once had a boyfriend who suddenly got a better job and started earning more than me. But with it, he also wanted to spend more money on things I couldn't afford (eating out more, traveling, ...). But since we had always split costs 50/50, I couldn't keep up, and he didn't feel like paying more to cover my share. Hence why he is my ex-boyfriend.

But it seems like you like this man and want to give things a try. There's no harm in that. Take your time, figure things out, and tell you mom to keep her opinion to herself.

It's a weird thing to jump on right off the bat. Is it a matter of she had concerns with your ex and they played out into it being an issue in your relationship? Is she worried about you attracting some freeloader (because it's happened in the past or happened to someone else she know recently)? Is it a way of expressing her worries about you just taking anyone who will give you some attention as you're a bit on the rebound - but not doing it very tactfully?

All that being said, when you get to a certain point in life (I'd say mid 30s, if I wanted to take a stab at when), I think it is important that you share a similar level of ambition, career drive, financial goals, etc. Or else one of you is always going to be dragging the other along and that person will always be struggling to keep up. It's not quite as simple as 'degree vs. no degree' though. Dh has a business doing a trade that doesn't require a degree (he does actually have a BSc because he did a degree before he re-trained and started as self-employed). I have a PhD. He is by far the higher earner of the two of us, the more financially savvy, and probably a lot more ambitious than me with all my fancy degrees, even though on paper I have a good career and am probably more ambitious than most.

If it was me though, I wouldn't want to date someone at this point in my life (40s) who wasn't in the same place as me in terms of work, career, money, so it's something to consider, if you are with this new guy.

Do you have a degree?

Aren’t relationships more successful if people have the same level of education?

https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2014/01/29/new-academic-study-links-rising-income-inequality-to-assortive-mating/#:~:text=34%2C%20showing%20that%20today%2C%20%E2%80%9C,gains%20for%20better%20educated%20couples

Degrees do not always equate to money, but Money matters - eventually. And it can affect happiness in a long-term relationship.

All this depends on how the relationship progresses, of course, but is a necessary consideration.

If you’re going to set up house- how are bills to be paid?

Are you receiving benefits etc as a single parent that he wouldn’t be able to cover if he moves in and you lose them?

Does his income allow him to comfortably pay CM and contribute to your household (if he has children)?

Do you have a certain lifestyle you want to maintain as part of a relationship?

Are you young enough to start a family with this person? If yes, what would you like to afford your children?

Your mom may be running away with herself so early on, but she has a point.

Some interesting articles on that link - thank you 😊

I don’t think this is snobbery at all. I think it’s more about anthropology.

What somebody decided to do when they were 17, probably influenced by their parents, and when they knew nothing about the world doesn’t tell you a great deal about the adult they are. And considering it’s said something like 60% of graduates will never pay off their student loans, a lot of people with degrees clearly aren’t working in top jobs earning great money.

Does your mum have a degree?

I think she'll change her mind in time, my parents didn't think dh was good enough at first but eventually they learned to love him and saw how happy I was and now they're closer than ever.

Interesting article, thanks!

I think the biggest driver of people choosing a partner at the same education level / income bracket is the increase in the cost of living. Very few people are in a position to subsidise a partner longterm so at the very least they look for high earning potential in a partner, if not an already similar-earning partner.

I don't think a degree is the be all and end all. I want someone who shares my interests and who I can talk to. I am a STEM graduate with 20+ years experience and a very senior role in Pharma. I want someone who has an interest in science stuff, someone who understand the pressures of management, someone who enjoys Sci-fi, someone literate and numerate. I don't want to support someone who isn't employed and earning but I earn rather a lot so I am not expecting a partner to match my salary - just to be contributing and to be gainfully employed and a fully functional adult.

I think your mum's criterion is artificial and misleading. Someone with no degree but a keen interest in Science and tech is likely to be far more my cup of tea that a Fine Art graduate!!

Choose whoever makes you happy.

(of course I also want someone kind, loving, reliable, honest etc.. but purely in terms of education I am focusing on interests / conversation).

I think it's a bit naive to think that love can conquer all differences.

You only need to read some of the countless "cocklodger" stories on here to know that some level of solvency or equality in terms of means is just sensible, and more conducive to a stable relationship.

A degree as an indicator of means is probably a bit outdated and unnecessary - both my DF and BIL earn/earnt more than i ever will in terms of salary, but i have a much higher level of education than either.

She probably wants you to be sure you're not saddling yourself with someone that's going to be a burden to you - which is blunt, but well-meaning.

Thank you for all your replies. It’s been really interesting to hear different points of view.

For context, I’m a part-time primary teacher and he’s a chef so he most certainly earns enough money. We also share a lot of common interests which to me always felt important. My ex husband was a lovely man but we ended up having little in common and no real conversation hence me being more focused on that aspect of things in future relationships.

I say this as someone with only GCSE's to her name but.....you are hardly flying the flag yourself with regards to having a prestigious, high earning career are you?
So it looks like your mother was hoping you would 'marry well' to alleviate any financial pressure in the future.

Well I have a degree and Masters and my partner has neither and earns more than I do, as does my ex.

I could probably earn more and 'on paper' perhaps should be but I do a job I enjoy and that I find rewarding and that pays enough.

As long as any prospective partner can pay his way and is financially independent, which it sounds like your is, then it really shouldn't be an issue if he's got a degree. They are not really that difficult to get these days anyway but becoming a chef takes dedication and hard work - surely those are qualities to be admired?

I don't think a degree is so life changing that the lack of one is a show stopper.
People with and without degrees can be successful, kind and intelligent.
People with degrees are not guaranteed to be a good match.
If he's a lazy slob, has no curiosity or interest in the world or other people, has no sense of humour or is thoughtless then a relationship would be a bad idea.... You will learn none of that from his degree attainment or lack of.

The main thing I’m looking for in a potential partner is that they’re kind, interesting and I can have a great conversation with them.

This sounds sweet but it’s pretty basic and simplistic. Plenty of people would fit your descriptor and make very unsuitable partners.

You’re a single mum with a low paying job. She doesn’t want you dating someone earning even less and/or with poor prospects who’ll drag you down or cost you money. She says it’s the lack of a degree but that’s likely a shorthand for not successful or ambitious. I used to work in a university. Half of the degrees students were leaving with weren’t worth the paper they were written on. But for some people it’s still a thing.

Several people I lnow seem to earn more than those who got a degree and student debt.

It would be more understandable if she was worried abohis actual job, actual income and effort.

About his

well It’s an interesting question but easily could be 101 others; does he have hair, own teeth, does he exercise, have biological children, married/divorced, read books or magazines, car and dl, can he swim, religion etc etc etc.
don't be ashamed cook is a good trade, a red seal international one I believe.

Personally, I would want my partner to have a degree. It's not a deal breaker but it's definitely something I'd look for. I have a degree and most of my friends do (not all), and I think it's pretty normal to look for someone from a similar background to yourself. So if your mum is a snob then so am I! I'm sure she'll come round though if she sees that you're happy and he treats you well.

You’re right, she’s being a snob. What’s more, she’s wrong. My ex has a PhD and is a bit thick.

what your mum really wants to know is is he suitably middle-class?

My old boss gave me the same advice when I started dating again. Its elitism. My abusive ex had a degree and thought he was above cleaning the bathroom when we lived together. Apparently I was good enough to scrub his shit off the toilet though.

My current absolutely phenomenally lovely and thoroughly decent DP doesn’t have a degree. He’s smarter than most people I’ve met, a hard worker and makes as much money as I do with my “professional” job. He does at least 50/50 around the house, and when I had covid and was bedridden did everything without even mentioning it.

If he’s a good un, don’t drop him because he doesn’t have a bit of paper with a degree result on it.