Fiancé worried about being a bad husband

[Futureproof97]

Looking for advice on how to support my partner and calm his worries - we're getting married next year and my fiancé is terrifed he is going to be a bad husband and we'll end up hating eachother because his parents don't have a good relationship at all and he can't shake that we're not going to end up like them (even though we are nothing like them), he's seen plenty of other relationships/marriages that are working well but that doesn't seem to help.

Is he a bad partner now? Why does he think he will suddenly turn into a bad husband once you’ve signed on the dotted line?

DH and I were together over 20 years before we got married. I didn’t notice the remotest difference, and for years frequently forgot we had married.

Marriage therapy? It pre marriage counseling

when men tell you who they are, believe them

whatever issues or trauma he has from childhood, they're not yours to solve, so he needs to go to therapy now and work through them, if he's serious about marriage

i would advise extreme caution in going forward with this relationship

I would say to him, does he want to be a bad husband and to end up like his parents. The answer I assume will be no. Then say, well neither do I so there's nothing to worry about. Let's be kind, support and communicate with one another and that's how we avoid that scenario.

Failing that, therapy or counseling perhaps as suggested. I'm a guy and in therapy from a very bad marriage. It's the best thing I've ever done, wish I had done it earlier.

It sounds as though he's not ready to be married, OP.

As a (couples) counselor myself, I'd really suggest he get some help for his fears, but also for the two of you to start working on preventing issues before they arise.
It's a shame not more people do this actually. A lot of couples come to me when their marriage is already falling apart and most of these issues were preventable.
It is absolutely possible for your own relationship to be affected by the dynamics you witnessed as a child. You learn coping strategies early on and they are aften used later on without being well aware of them.
Contextual therapy is usually a good place to start to work through those things and prevent them from causing damage later on.

It sounds like he’s warning you and having done so he’ll be able to behave like a dick and then tell you he told you what would happen and you didn’t listen. I’d beware.

I'm afraid this is exactly what I thought too.

I would be asking if he is really ready to get married. I'm always weary of people who come out with this sort of thing. Not the same I know but it's always the people who come out with the ' I would never do such & such, I can't stand people who do xyz it's always them that end up doing that exact thing.

No he's not a bad partner in the slighest which is what I keep telling him! He's the best man I've ever met hence why I said yes to marrying him😂 I think he is just a massive overthinker and he is constantly hearing from his Mother about how awful and horrible his Dad is to her that he's worried we're going to end up the same as that's all he's heard growing up is the negatives

@Hbosh, thank you for this! I will try suggest this to him, he's had councelling for years about various other childhood issues but he's only recently started doubting how he would be as a husband

He is having cold feet and doesn't want to get married

This is just a negative projection from your mind, IMO.

I'm not the only one surmising this

If he has already had counselling, I would suggest he goes back for some more.

He is right in one way to be worried, many people do repeat things they saw in their childhood. But also many people don't and those who think about it are less likely to.

I think it is actually a positive he is thinking this through, it shows a genuine commitment to wanting the marriage to last. Making a marriage last is not easy.

@ZekeZeke this is definitely not the case. He's been wanting get married for over 5 years and he was the one who popped the question when he knew I was finally ready 🙂

Yeah, he's looking for a way out by the sounds of it

Carry on as you are without marrying?

Why does he choose /push for something that he dreads?

If this is what he believes, why do you doubt him? Do you think he has a bad judgment just for this one thing?

If this is his mindset it will likely be a self fulfilling prophecy.