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Original poster

Anyone else not ready for a relationship? And why?

23 replies

PinkPantherPrat · 07/11/2023 10:54

I'm happy to be single for the time being as I have my own goals to work on. Besides, I have no libido and the only men who would be attracted to me at present would be ones drawn to women who appear 'vulnerable' (as I'm uncertain about several things at present) or the white knight variety!

Your reasons?

OP posts:
Anonymousismyname · 07/11/2023 11:20

I hear you! Absolutely not ready. Had a real traumatic unhealthy relationship. Its been a couple years and even though you may crave things a relationship can offer you occassionally for me it's been the best decision to be single. Before I hadn't been single for long and I have found it refreshing to be. I have reaped more benefits loving myself, setting boundaries, knowing what I want and won't tolerate etc
I understand the ones drawn to me are the exact same.
Being single has just made me allergic to all those time wasting men I can see and smell them a mile away now 😆

MintJulia · 07/11/2023 11:22

Lack of trust.

At the moment I feel like I've heard it all before, and it was all bullshit.

I need to leave it until I'm willing to be a bit more optimistic.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/11/2023 11:31

In the time I ‘dated’ aka had some Good sex

I let my boundaries slip
and also went limerent
kind of don’t trust myself !!!

plus my son has major mental health issues so
not optimal to being someone into the mix

PramPusherCentral · 07/11/2023 11:58

Not interested in sex.

I absolutely love quiet undisturbed time at home to pursue my own interests. I’m sometimes on the computer or in a book for days at a time.

Just general horror at the self interest and cold bloodedness I’ve experienced.
I’ve learned you you need to take care of yourself first, because your partner is certainly doing that!

Not interested in the scents and mess of others in my home and bed. I work very hard to be clean and tidy (for the sake of my mental health) and find it hard to cope with others of a different standard.
And I don’t particularly like being in the home of others - when it’s not exclusively your place, it’s harder to do as you please and have things exactly as you want.
All of that makes a relationship restricted to going out to do things together.

I don’t enjoy cooking for or washing up after others and also don’t enjoy it being done for me that much because it makes me feel obligated to return the favour.
I like to keep domestic labour to a minimum’s and being with someone doubles or in some individuals’ cases, quadruples everything!
Some people are not as meticulous about using the home carefully and reducing wear and tear, and it’s especially more annoying when they’re not the type to take responsibility for replacing large pieces of furniture like the sofa they’ve knackered or whipping on a lick of paint on the walls they’ve marked up.

Sometimes I would like to cuddle with someone in the cold evenings on the sofa, or share a romantic Christmas dinner and NYE with someone… but I don’t want that enough to deal with all the the constant compromises and adjustments that may be made to my lifestyle.

Generally, I think I’ve been in relationships for 20 years… they hold less and less fascination for me, and I’m far more independent and difficult to impress than I used to be… if you’re not adding to my life in importance and significant ways, you’re not going to be in it. Friends and family are sufficient for companionship and emotional support when really needed.

Original poster
PinkPantherPrat · 07/11/2023 14:01

PramPusherCentral · 07/11/2023 11:58

Not interested in sex.

I absolutely love quiet undisturbed time at home to pursue my own interests. I’m sometimes on the computer or in a book for days at a time.

Just general horror at the self interest and cold bloodedness I’ve experienced.
I’ve learned you you need to take care of yourself first, because your partner is certainly doing that!

Not interested in the scents and mess of others in my home and bed. I work very hard to be clean and tidy (for the sake of my mental health) and find it hard to cope with others of a different standard.
And I don’t particularly like being in the home of others - when it’s not exclusively your place, it’s harder to do as you please and have things exactly as you want.
All of that makes a relationship restricted to going out to do things together.

I don’t enjoy cooking for or washing up after others and also don’t enjoy it being done for me that much because it makes me feel obligated to return the favour.
I like to keep domestic labour to a minimum’s and being with someone doubles or in some individuals’ cases, quadruples everything!
Some people are not as meticulous about using the home carefully and reducing wear and tear, and it’s especially more annoying when they’re not the type to take responsibility for replacing large pieces of furniture like the sofa they’ve knackered or whipping on a lick of paint on the walls they’ve marked up.

Sometimes I would like to cuddle with someone in the cold evenings on the sofa, or share a romantic Christmas dinner and NYE with someone… but I don’t want that enough to deal with all the the constant compromises and adjustments that may be made to my lifestyle.

Generally, I think I’ve been in relationships for 20 years… they hold less and less fascination for me, and I’m far more independent and difficult to impress than I used to be… if you’re not adding to my life in importance and significant ways, you’re not going to be in it. Friends and family are sufficient for companionship and emotional support when really needed.

Edited

That sounds great - the rest of the house is clean but my bedroom is a fucking state (excuse my language).

So you may have inspired me to make a start on it.

OP posts:
PramPusherCentral · 07/11/2023 14:27

Swedish death clear out really helped me create a calm clutter free space. Just a new different radical way of viewing things.

Be completely ruthless clearing out things you haven’t used in years and won’t be using anytime soon either. Give it to charity where someone will buy it who really needs it and will lovingly use it to death.

You’ll be amazed how simpler it is to clean with less stuff everywhere.

Dweetfidilove · 07/11/2023 15:21

Single’ish’ (enjoy sex, so need that itched scratched).

Not ready for a relationship as I have a teenager and I have neither the inclination or temperament for blending…

I also have the issue of enjoying my clean, tranquil space and not having to expend too much energy trying to accommodate another, so the longer this goes on, the more I think this will be my permanent state.

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/11/2023 16:11

Just on the "having your own space" thing, that's not necessarily a blocker.

When my Mum remarried they both kept their own house. Both her and my stepdad had gotten used to living on their own and found they preferred it, so didn't fancy moving in together. They'd usually spent a couple of nights together at each others houses, and then a few nights alone each week.

They were married ten years, would have been longer if my mother hadn't become ill, and it was definitely the right situation for them.

SamW98 · 07/11/2023 16:17

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/11/2023 16:11

Just on the "having your own space" thing, that's not necessarily a blocker.

When my Mum remarried they both kept their own house. Both her and my stepdad had gotten used to living on their own and found they preferred it, so didn't fancy moving in together. They'd usually spent a couple of nights together at each others houses, and then a few nights alone each week.

They were married ten years, would have been longer if my mother hadn't become ill, and it was definitely the right situation for them.

I agree. I don’t want to cohabitate and I don’t see that as not wanting a relationship. I know a few older couples (50+) who have this arrangement and it works fine.
My sister was with her ex partner for 17 years and they both had their own places. If money isn’t an issue it makes a lot of sense to me.

PolarBearHugs · 07/11/2023 18:05

Lone parent no time to myself

ButtonBound · 08/11/2023 12:12

Absolutely not ready. Why? Where do I start!

41, never had a boyfriend. Never been hit on, never been kissed. Virgin. Not a great start eh?

I wasn't like my friends who were always after a boy. Assumed it would happen at some point but then time went on and it never did.

I did meet someone few years ago I developed a crush on and it got me thinking about where and why my life went so wrong. Why have I never been able to have a relationship? I think I might be ND (though well aware ND folk do have relationships). It's just that there are things that I just can't get past. Things about relationships that I just don't understand.

Dating in general. Growing up I always thought - you met someone you liked, you went out/dated and you were boyfriend and girlfriend (maybe I was wrong). I don't get dating more than 1 person at a time, which many do. There are FWB's, situationships - I read the posts on here - these are defined by ... you go out on dates, you have sex, take trips together and sometimes you meet friends and family. I'm like - is that not just good old fashioned dating? Is that not what boyfriends and girlfriends do?

There was a thread here a while back, and one man said that a man will continue to date a woman, possibly for years and still only regard her as someone he has sex with, that the passing of time and doing things together does not deepen his feelings for you. I guess if that's what a woman is after, then fair enough.

Having never had sex before I don't get the need for it - but I know for a lot/most men it's a driving factor in relationships - it's essentially all they want - and I want someone to be with me because he enjoys being with me and not just because he's getting to have sex. I'm not sure that man exists. Do men really like their partners or are they just putting up with stuff and doing what they need to do just so they can get laid?

All I see on here is sexless marriage threads. And I do understand that it's a big part of a relationship but it feels like that's all it's about. Shouldn't it be about more?

Cheating - again, there is a thread on here ATM about 'do all men cheat'. Most folk believe yes, they would do if they had the opportunity. How do you get involved with someone knowing they might do that, or knowing/believing that the only reason they haven't cheated isn't because they love you and don't want to but rather just because the opportunity has never arisen? That's kinda heartbreaking to me.

I think for me, it's just not being able to know what someone wants, or why they're really with you. It's a struggle for me and I think part of this comes from possibly being ND (as well as cynical and untrusting).

I would like to experience 'love'. I just don't think any man wants to experience love.

So yes, to say I'm mentally not in a good place for a relationship is a bit of an understatement!

PramPusherCentral · 08/11/2023 12:39

ButtonBound · 08/11/2023 12:12

Absolutely not ready. Why? Where do I start!

41, never had a boyfriend. Never been hit on, never been kissed. Virgin. Not a great start eh?

I wasn't like my friends who were always after a boy. Assumed it would happen at some point but then time went on and it never did.

I did meet someone few years ago I developed a crush on and it got me thinking about where and why my life went so wrong. Why have I never been able to have a relationship? I think I might be ND (though well aware ND folk do have relationships). It's just that there are things that I just can't get past. Things about relationships that I just don't understand.

Dating in general. Growing up I always thought - you met someone you liked, you went out/dated and you were boyfriend and girlfriend (maybe I was wrong). I don't get dating more than 1 person at a time, which many do. There are FWB's, situationships - I read the posts on here - these are defined by ... you go out on dates, you have sex, take trips together and sometimes you meet friends and family. I'm like - is that not just good old fashioned dating? Is that not what boyfriends and girlfriends do?

There was a thread here a while back, and one man said that a man will continue to date a woman, possibly for years and still only regard her as someone he has sex with, that the passing of time and doing things together does not deepen his feelings for you. I guess if that's what a woman is after, then fair enough.

Having never had sex before I don't get the need for it - but I know for a lot/most men it's a driving factor in relationships - it's essentially all they want - and I want someone to be with me because he enjoys being with me and not just because he's getting to have sex. I'm not sure that man exists. Do men really like their partners or are they just putting up with stuff and doing what they need to do just so they can get laid?

All I see on here is sexless marriage threads. And I do understand that it's a big part of a relationship but it feels like that's all it's about. Shouldn't it be about more?

Cheating - again, there is a thread on here ATM about 'do all men cheat'. Most folk believe yes, they would do if they had the opportunity. How do you get involved with someone knowing they might do that, or knowing/believing that the only reason they haven't cheated isn't because they love you and don't want to but rather just because the opportunity has never arisen? That's kinda heartbreaking to me.

I think for me, it's just not being able to know what someone wants, or why they're really with you. It's a struggle for me and I think part of this comes from possibly being ND (as well as cynical and untrusting).

I would like to experience 'love'. I just don't think any man wants to experience love.

So yes, to say I'm mentally not in a good place for a relationship is a bit of an understatement!

Out of curiosity, what are the other things you can’t get past or understand, maybe there will be someone here who can help.

For what it’s worth, I understand completely and feel similar.

Original poster
PinkPantherPrat · 08/11/2023 17:35

ButtonBound · 08/11/2023 12:12

Absolutely not ready. Why? Where do I start!

41, never had a boyfriend. Never been hit on, never been kissed. Virgin. Not a great start eh?

I wasn't like my friends who were always after a boy. Assumed it would happen at some point but then time went on and it never did.

I did meet someone few years ago I developed a crush on and it got me thinking about where and why my life went so wrong. Why have I never been able to have a relationship? I think I might be ND (though well aware ND folk do have relationships). It's just that there are things that I just can't get past. Things about relationships that I just don't understand.

Dating in general. Growing up I always thought - you met someone you liked, you went out/dated and you were boyfriend and girlfriend (maybe I was wrong). I don't get dating more than 1 person at a time, which many do. There are FWB's, situationships - I read the posts on here - these are defined by ... you go out on dates, you have sex, take trips together and sometimes you meet friends and family. I'm like - is that not just good old fashioned dating? Is that not what boyfriends and girlfriends do?

There was a thread here a while back, and one man said that a man will continue to date a woman, possibly for years and still only regard her as someone he has sex with, that the passing of time and doing things together does not deepen his feelings for you. I guess if that's what a woman is after, then fair enough.

Having never had sex before I don't get the need for it - but I know for a lot/most men it's a driving factor in relationships - it's essentially all they want - and I want someone to be with me because he enjoys being with me and not just because he's getting to have sex. I'm not sure that man exists. Do men really like their partners or are they just putting up with stuff and doing what they need to do just so they can get laid?

All I see on here is sexless marriage threads. And I do understand that it's a big part of a relationship but it feels like that's all it's about. Shouldn't it be about more?

Cheating - again, there is a thread on here ATM about 'do all men cheat'. Most folk believe yes, they would do if they had the opportunity. How do you get involved with someone knowing they might do that, or knowing/believing that the only reason they haven't cheated isn't because they love you and don't want to but rather just because the opportunity has never arisen? That's kinda heartbreaking to me.

I think for me, it's just not being able to know what someone wants, or why they're really with you. It's a struggle for me and I think part of this comes from possibly being ND (as well as cynical and untrusting).

I would like to experience 'love'. I just don't think any man wants to experience love.

So yes, to say I'm mentally not in a good place for a relationship is a bit of an understatement!

That would be horrific being with someone long term who didn't really care about you 😬

OP posts:
Neverendingstory2 · 08/11/2023 18:00

I’ve been single most of my life (I’m early 50s). Ive had my heartbroken twice after being cheated on by two of my exes. My last relationship ended as we were incompatible. That was about 8 years ago. I wouldnt make it having my heartbroken again. And I’m so set in my ways I actually can’t imagine sharing my house with anyone (have never lived with a partner). I have never really cared about sex unless it’s in a loving relationship so I don’t miss that. I do sometimes miss companionship a few times a month but not sure it’s worth sacrificing being in a relationship for.

Original poster
PinkPantherPrat · 08/11/2023 18:50

Yeah I think I miss talking about your day and watching films etc and being daft together.

Can't imagine falling in love again though. And it's best if I focus on myself at present. Flaws to address, goals to be met!

OP posts:
PositiveLife · 08/11/2023 19:15

I'm ready in the sense I'd like to have a partner and share my life with someone. However, I'm a single parent and the kids' dad hasn't prioritised the kids, so that's my priority. For that reason, I wouldn't want a man moving in or staying over when the kids are here. It makes it pretty difficult to date.

Then on top of that, I'm quite fussy because I've built a nice life that I don't want to compromise on. I'm not giving up hobbies for a man so it limits the dating pool a lot!

Kenwoodmixitup · 08/11/2023 19:26

Menopause and loss of libido = marriage breakdown. Left feeling ‘really! That’s the reality.’

InOut2023 · 08/11/2023 21:14

I don’t trust myself to have a healthy relationship because I always seem to attract people who have experienced a traumatic childhood and wanting to “save” them because I too experienced a shit one. That and because I overlook other red flags that would punch anyone with decent boundaries and self respect in the face.

Psychoticbreak · 08/11/2023 21:51

I have just had my heart broken so I am going to be single for a very very long time to go.

scoobydoo1971 · 08/11/2023 23:52

Last boyfriend was very disappointing. It gave me the conviction to remain single forever as I never want to go through emotional turmoil again. I also have cancer and some other complicated health issues. I have numerous operations and tests frequently. I don't want someone thinking they have to be my carer. I am also wealthy, and it is difficult to hide it after a while. I am sick to death of wannabee gold-diggers coming along thinking I am the answer to their financial prayers. My last three relationships have ended, at least in part, around issues with money (aspiring cocklodgers).

EmpressSoleil · 09/11/2023 13:13

Too many traumatic relationships in the past.
I don't want someone in my space but equally I don't want to spend time in anyone else's space!
I want to spend all my time doing what I want to do.
I want a life free from any kind of drama or insecurities.
I don't want to make the "effort" to attract and keep someone interested.

I wouldn't have said I've lost my libido but at the same time, the thought of being intimate with someone again makes me feel a bit sick! So maybe I have. I do think it's partially due at least to the men I met when I did last do some dating, all wanting to talk about things they wanted to do in bed that I didn't want to do! I think it really put me off. So now sex seems like this almost scary thing that I won't enjoy, so why bother?

I don't think I'll ever be ready for a relationship again quite honestly.

ButtonBound · 09/11/2023 13:27

Out of curiosity, what are the other things you can’t get past or understand, maybe there will be someone here who can help.

For what it’s worth, I understand completely and feel similar.

I think I've got enough that I don't understand without looking for more! Although I have huge self-esteem issues, partly from feeling never being wanted.

Most people can say they're jaded by it all because they've been hurt - and not that I would wish that on anyone - at least they've experienced the good and bad of what a relationship has to offer. If I had some experience I might not feel so bad.

ButtonBound · 09/11/2023 13:34

Oops, didn't edit that post correctly.

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