I'm think i'm cracking up, can someone clarify if this is emotional blackmail

[TLV]

I've been split with stbx dh for 4/5mths he's filed for divorce, brief history few wks of arguing (no major problems before that or at least not to me) he walks and then i'm slated for lots of reasons ie putting dd first, not going out enough etc etc.

I've tried so hard to make him see the problems were not that bad (not that i'm being trivial about how he feels) yes the marriage took a back burner and was neglected but we certainly didn't have an awful relationship, I've wanted to make a go of the marriage/he has dug his heels in and said no.

We have a dd 2.5yrs, whenever i have tried to discuss anything and if I so much as mention dd (and I might be wrong in thinking this but every decision he's made has an effect on her) I'm constantly accused of emotional blackmail and that he feels bad enough about everthing he has done, however he does not think about what this is doing to her.

he sounds a fool.
do you think he's told you the whole story??
i should concentrate on what you want and what you think is best forr dd. let him worry about himself.... selfish fool.

Sounds to me like he's found someone else and he's trying to blame you. Sorry to be blunt but he does sound like he's trying to justify his escape.

I speak from experience - I left my first husband and promptly met number 2 and it's fairly necessary to justify it to yourself by slating the other person (no children were involved). Obviously the marriage wasn't working. I'd actually spent most of a year working away and he hadn't seemed to notice but that's not the point, I took the decision to leave and handled it badly, sounds like he's doing the same.

May I make a suggestion? Make a proposal as regards your daughter - and a proposal as regards everything else, in writing, he can accept it - you'll need to do this as part of the divorce anyway, then don't talk to him about it for a few weeks. I'm not saying talk through solicitors - it costs too much and it rarely helps. But just objectively writing a document which says:

(1) Every weekend you will pick up DD at 10am and return her at 4 on Saturday and Sunday.
(2) Until the consent order is agreed, you will pay XX towards bills
(3) Within three weeks or by X dates all your stuff will be removed from the house and anything else has to go into storage.

etc. you get the idea.

You want to state what practical things you need in a non-emotional way. He's gone, deal with the detail and you can sort your head later. Right now you need to protect yourself and your daughter and IGNORE anything else he says - he's clearly not listening and is focused on blaming you for everything.

Good luck, it does get easier with time.

I really don't know, he seems to have it all figured out tho, viewed a flat today for himself, he's never had dd stay over with him at his mums (not that i think she would settle) but at least its familiar to her so how on earth he expects her to settle in a strange place I will never know.

I'm no angel and have done myself no favours because when i've been down I've called him in tears (like this evening) and he hangs up and I call him back trying to talk to him, I get told i'm harrassing him we go to relate tomorrow and he will probably make out that I'm an nutter but infact i care very about my marriage

poor you. relate sounds a good idea. third neutral person may help to clarify things.... good luck.

I also found another mobile phone in his pocket, he said it was his brothers works mobile and I'm not sure he is telling the truth

Sorry to say, but it sounds like it's over. I hope you can get something out of going to Relate but if he's found somewhere semi-permanent to live I think you have to take the hint and back off

Kids are remarkably adaptable though. They get used to new situations very quickly if they are helped by both parents behaving positively towards each other.

TLV - the more you say the more he sounds like a cheating arse. Sorry.

At the minute you are giving him all the cards. Stop. Take a break - even for a week. Just leave him the hell alone and concentrate on your daughter.

Also find a solicitor who is a member of Resolution. They pledge to deal with divorces in a non-combative way which will save you time, money and heartache. Rottweiler lawyers are not what you need when kids are involved - however angry you are with him (and if you aren't yet - believe me, you'll get there).

Like whomovedmychocolate I left a relationship because I met someone else, but that was just the catalyst. I decided immediately that I couldn't have 2 relationships at the same time so told my now ex that it was over. I didn't tell him about the other person but I did expect him to understand that us splitting was a lot to do with how bad our relationship had become.

There were no children involved but had there been I think I would have left anyway and I did what your ex is doing... just made the decision and expected him to deal with it.

Almost 18 months later he is still not completely over it, and I am sure I could have handled it better, but sometimes people just find it easier to make a complete break.

I know you are thinking of what is best for your daughter and I bet it's really rough for you now but it sounds like he has made his mind up. You probably need to stop contacting him and to try and summon all your strength to cope with the emotional distress. Something like this creates a lot of fear but the best thing to do is to try and gain some control over your situation.

You can do this by sorting out the practical things as suggested above and by getting emotional support from those around you.

Tis not me beaniesteve, I did as you did! My ex is still sulking too though.

I'm sorry TLV, but I do think he's found someone else. It is the hardest thing to stare the fact that he isn't yours anymore in the face. Yes, his leaving might well cause youre daughter some pain, but he's not going to want to examine that too closely is he? Hence the emotional blackmail allegations. What you are saying may be right, but you are possibly saying it with at least a little hope that he may see what he has done and come back to you? Therefore, it is possibly a little bit of blackmail, at the same time, if you're honest.

I don't mean to be harsh, but just stare it in the face. The horror is in the hoping and waiting for them to come back. Accept that he has gone, and the really really worst bit is over.