What is opportunity for an affair?

[michoconnell]

How does the opportunity arise to have an affair if you're a person who thought they would never cheat.
Someone mentioned on another thread about a person thinking that they would never cheat then the 'opportunity' arose and they did.
I'm quite old and I've never experienced an 'opportunity' to have an affair (I would never have an affair anyway). I was propositioned in my twenties by my drunken boss who was married to a lovely woman and I suspect that would have led to an affair but I shut him down immediately because he was married. I don't understand how 'opportunity' can arise to lead to an affair if you're the sort of person who would never cheat.

You have to be accountable for your own actions. I feel there is always a point where you think is this a good idea, is this worth loosing my marriage, kids every other weekend, can I actually look at myself in the mirror again if I do this. I don’t agree with lying and cheating is lying. You don’t lie to the people you love and you don’t lie to yourself (I was drunk, I’m unhappy etc) to excuse your behaviour

I should probably name change for this.

I've had a dad I have seen locally (he is separated) message me on social media and after a brief chat about our kids, basically offer an affair.
I'm not in a happy relationship at all so it's fear, guilt and lack of time stopping me.

I also got chatting to a man on a train once after a work Christmas party who asked me for a drink as we got off at the same station, he was younger than me and attractive but I said no.

As people say opportunities can arise any where.

Strictly Come Dancing is a great example of "opportunity for an affair". Its known for ruining marriages, and I bet a fair few of those celebrities never thought they'd cheat but did.

You're alone with someone else for most of the day every day, practising something that requires you to touch them intimately. You laugh and joke to put each other at ease. It gets a little bit flirty.

By week 3 lets face it, you're horny. The smart thing to do would be to use that energy with your husband / wife, but you can't because you're away from home, alone in a hotel room every night. You're practicing with your dance partner one day and a move goes wrong, you both tumble to the floor on top of each other. Without even thinking about it you kiss each other. There's fumbling. You suddenly come to your senses and back away, guilt consuming you.

You can't tell your wife/husband, it would crush them. You want to drop out but you can't, people would ask questions. So you carry on, determined it won't happen again. But like a vase you've glued back together, once you've broken those boundaries once, they're easier to break again. After all, how much worse is 2 kisses than 1? Next thing you know you're not alone in your hotel room any more.

Strictly is obviously an extreme example, but opportunity is everywhere. It only takes a moment of weakness to do something stupid, and from there it's a slippery slope.

I reckon there are 3 types of people when it comes to cheating. People who are actively looking to do it, people who know they have the capability to but don't want to, and people who know they never would.

The problem with category 3 is that if you "know" you'd never do it, then why put your guard up? Its not even a risk so you don't need to keep an eye out for it. Ironically, I think the ones who know they're capable of it are probably less likely to cheat.

Not only men. It seems many women including my own wife get disconnected or bored after the child rearing years. Especially if they have heightened sex drive from pere menopause. My wife got approached by a celebrity and ended up sexting with him. I caught her and she admitted it. I suggested we open the marriage to save it.

People can also be entirely sober when they cheat.

I've always found the Strictly curse a good way to explain this.

Noone goes on Strictly Come Dancing with the expectation that they're going to shag their dance partner.

But there you are, thrust together with someone you've never met before for weeks on end. You have to work closely with this person.

A couple of weeks in, you start to feel some chemistry building. It worries you a bit but it's fine, you're probably getting kicked out next week anyway. You've not seen your spouse in weeks, they're they other end of the country looking after the kids, you're probably just craving some intimacy and you've been working so closely with this person.

A few more weeks, youve definitely got a crush. But what can you do? You can't just drop out suddenly, spouse will know something's up, and you can't talk to them about it, they'll get so upset.

A few days later a lift goes wrong in rehearsals, and you collapse in a heap on the floor. Laughing, relieved that no-ones hurt, suddenly there's this moment of tension, looking into each others eyes before you take control of yourself and stand up.

The next week you're in the dance off, but if you get through this you're through to Blackpool. The judges pick you, you're both elated, so proud of each other. After the show you find yourself together in a quiet moment, and out of nowhere your partner kisses you. 10 -15 seconds pass and then you pull away. What the fuck are you doing! How on earth are you meant to tell your spouse about this?

You avoid your dance partner as much as possible for the next week, and your spouse comes to the taping of Blackpool. You spend the night together in a hotel, but you're feeling guilty, and things are fractious. You end up arguing.

Things get back to normal with your dance partner over the next week, you don't talk about the kiss and fall back into an easy rhythm. There's a night out with the remaining contestants and dancers. You both get a bit tipsy. You end up in a corner having a deep heart to heart with your partner, you've never felt so close to them. You've know you shouldn't be talking like this, but you've already kissed them, how can it get worse? You leave separately but at 2am find yourself stood outside your partner's room.....

Obviously Strictly is an extreme case, it's a wonder anyone gets out of it with their marriage intact. But it works as an example for that reason. Most affairs have far fewer triggers, but take a lot longer to happen, they're a much slower boil (I'm exclusively talking about affairs where the instigators aren't looking for one here, obviously there are plenty of people out there desperately trying to find someone to cheat on their spouse with.)

For me, it happened because:
a. I met someone who I was insanely attracted to and him to me. I am the type who usually never fancies people and had up until that point only ever wanted sex with my dh. When I met this other man that all changed in an instant.
b. My marriage was/is in a very bad state with many problems. I have suffered mental/finance and sexual abuse at the hands of my dh and when I met someone who was extremely kind, gentle and attentive (everything my dh is not) I felt like my prayers had been answered
c. I fell very deeply in love (or so I thought at the time)
d. The man I had the affair with is - it turns out - a pathological liar/covert narc/charlatan who knew I was sad/vulnerable and used that to his advantage. Unless you have come across one of these people you will never understand how they reel you in and get their claws into you. If I’d known the truth about him I would never have gone there - I feel that he groomed me. But I’m not making excuses - I’m a grown woman with autonomy and I wanted to have sex with him. I just wish I’d known who he really was.

I have huge resentment regarding my relationship and things dh has done to me over the years and i guess part of me didn’t really care if he found out. Call it an exit affair if you will.

It isn’t always just as easy as leaving a bad marriage, for reasons I won’t go into here I’m pretty much stuck at the moment.
But the affair has made me realise my marriage is pretty dead in the water.

Affairs happen for all kinds of reasons and it’s not always black and white. Some people just love the thrill and are serial cheats - that was never the case for me, I was faithful for over 20 years and never thought I’d cheat, even though I was unhappy. I do think you can’t be truly happy/in love with your spouse though if you cheat. When I was happy with him the thought of sleeping with someone else made me feel physically sick.

But I certainly never went looking for an affair - if you’d have told me this time last year what was going to happen I wouldn’t have believed it. And I am a very honest person - honest to a fault usually. It all came out very quickly in my case because I couldn’t keep up the deceit.

I've never cheated but the opportunity has arisen quite a few times, especially on work trips away. I've had to invoke will power especially after a few drinks not to get too over familiar. But surely you know this happens? Our species would die out if we didn't fancy each other.

Well the opportunity is someone making it plain they're up for an affair with you, obviously. But for that to turn into an affair you also need the means (ie, the ability to communicate, arrange and have sex with them in secret) and the motive so an attraction to the person or at least to sex with them that is stronger than the desire to honour the marriage. So without means and motive, opportunity alone can't result in an affair.

When I was younger someone made it clear they wanted to "be with me" what they actually wanted was an affair as they had a partner and kids and I was in a relationship. His company was employed by mine to do some work so we all had a laugh and we would make them tea etc. Nothing improper or flirty. He hid his partner and kids from me, tried it on with me which I declined and the next thing I know his partner got in touch with me accusing me of all sorts! I didn't respond to her and for a time wish I had to clear my name but actually if thinking something happened allowed her to break free then I'm OK with her thinking I took him up on his offer. He was not a good person but he certainly saw me as an opportunity and if I had been interested in that way and not in a relationship I would have ended up an unknowing ap. I had the opportunity to cheat in that situation but I never could

Yes. I spent half of every year working abroad for ten years. I had endless opportunity in terms of time, a house of my own etc, and I worked with someone I was attracted to, whose wife was also overseas, and who was attracted to me too. Neither of us ever spoke of it, or acted on it. Both of us were, and are, happily married. It calmed down into a good friendship.

I think it happens when variety of circumstances come together.

So, the drunken boss is someone who's been really kind to you during a particularly challenging time at work and seems to understand /support you better than DH, the approach is made at a time in your life when you're feeling a bit bored or unattractive at home and coincides with DH having disappointed you over something....Yes of course most people believe they'd never do it but it's one poor decision in one moment.

Christ, I've just realised that I've used the same analogy twice on the same post within 5 posts yet 5 months apart. What a waste typing all that out again was!

Bloody zombie threads!

Men would cheat with a bucket full of sand.
They will create an opportunity

I read Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that?’ as recommended on here after my then-DH’s affair. The analogy he uses in the book is windows and doors: you settle into a long term relationship, you shut the door. But if one person leaves a window open, they can slip out, or let someone in, if they are minded to. It tends to be some situation where the person feels flattered or admired or seen, and they permit themselves to bask in the light. That’s why it’s often work colleagues who develop mutual admiration and closeness, or hobbyists who find a shared passion. That sort of ‘yes! You get me!’ moment that brings the rush of blood.

The funny thing is, now I’ve been single for years, I’m so tuned into other people’s doors and windows that I am very boundaried. Since being single, and although considered attractive (for my age - 52) I’ve never been propositioned or chatted up, and I clearly give off some vibes that signal not to even try!

A wise friend once said ruefully to me ‘when men say their wife doesn’t understand them, I’m thinking ‘oh, but she does, and so do I’.’

I’ve never had the opportunity. I’ve worked away over the years but not once has anyone ever indicated interest in me. I WFH, largely solo, so don’t develop close relationships with colleagues.

I’m happily married, and would never cheat, I hate the very idea of it so it’s irrelevant, but by no means does everyone “have the opportunity”.

It probably is relevant that I’m hideously unattractive mind you!

They make time by dumping everything on their partners.

I used to say the same thing and unfortunately my head got turned and it was the worst thing I ever did and will regret till the day I die. I was pretty young and unfortunately in a very controlling relationship with lots of flaws. I made friends with an older guy who showed me a different side and I fell for that but it took months and on a really bad day he was there and things took a bad turn. I was prepared to leave my relationship because I was unhappy but anyway when everything crumbled, I paid the consequences for my actions really hard and I deserved it. I did a lot of work on myself over the years to never allow myself to get hurt again or hurt anyone else again. I am married today and honestly I would never allow myself to be in that position again. For anyone in that position and maybe considering, don't because the grass is not greener!

I don't think its a conscious thing. Like previous posters said, work is a prime example... you work closely with someone, get on well, socialise, and at some point something happens that you didn't expect - a kiss maybe - then you're kind of in this thing (affair) that you didn't plan on being, because you developed feelings for someone.
Otherwise, some people look for an affair, which i think is a very different situation.