What is opportunity for an affair?

[michoconnell]

How does the opportunity arise to have an affair if you're a person who thought they would never cheat.
Someone mentioned on another thread about a person thinking that they would never cheat then the 'opportunity' arose and they did.
I'm quite old and I've never experienced an 'opportunity' to have an affair (I would never have an affair anyway). I was propositioned in my twenties by my drunken boss who was married to a lovely woman and I suspect that would have led to an affair but I shut him down immediately because he was married. I don't understand how 'opportunity' can arise to lead to an affair if you're the sort of person who would never cheat.

My friend had a horrible mentally abusive husband. She met someone at work who she clicked with. She didn’t think of herself as a cheater. The affair was a catalyst to give her the courage to leave. The couple are now married with three lovely children.

I don't know OP. For me I find monogamy very easy (25 years now) but most people, especially men, don't seem to.

Opportunities come in many forms. You gave a prime example. Wherever people come into contact, opportunities can arise. They are less likely to do so if you are firmly determined against having an affair.

You literally never had an opportunity to have sex with someone other than your partner, ever? So you’ve never caught someone’s eye at work, got drunk in a work trip away, gone away for a weekend solo or with friends, suddenly found yourself attracted to a friend?

Obviously I have experienced all of that apart from the getting drunk as I do not drink alcohol.

To me this is someone who is very emotionally dependent. Not because they stay in an abusive relationship but because they can move on - but only if they have another man to prop them up. If you meet someone no matter your situation then why not leave before it gets to the point where you're cheating? To me if you're and open an honest person then affairs just don't happen. Unfortunately a lot of people aren't even if they think they are.

Well, affairs usually start by people noticing each other, fancying each other, starting to flirt, exchanging phone numbers, etc. Most of that is done under the radar in public/the office/wherever.

Next step is finding somewhere private where they can be alone. Easily enough done. Any time your partner is not where you are, they could be with the affair partner. This can include when should be at work, when you are away from the house, when they should be doing their hobby, meeting a friend, whatever.

I read somewhere (?here) about a man who arranged for the OW to meet up with him regularly while he was on a foreign holiday with his family. He used to go jogging every morning to "keep fit". The OW was in the area on holiday too and they'd meet up that way.

Where there's a will, there's a way, as the saying goes.

You describe precisely an opportunity to have an affair. He propositioned you, if you’d been up for it you’d have made a date for coffee or a drink, one thing would have led to another, bam you’re having an affair.

How else do you think it happens?

I've been married for 20 years and have never cheated. As far as I know DH hasn't cheated either. But I can think of possible "opportunities" for both of us, although many years ago now. It's usually someone at work IME - you're spending a lot of time together at work, you get on well, maybe things at home are a bit mundane, there is a mutual attraction (you don't completely stop fancying people even if you're happily married), you both get a little tipsy at after work drinks... as I say, I didn't do anything about it, but I can see how it could happen.

How does the opportunity arise to have an affair if you're a person who thought they would never cheat.

Opportunities are everywhere. It's whether we decide to take them or not that matters. But I think pretty much everyone has opportunities.

Even the housebound who have access to the Internet could manage an emotional affair if they felt so inclined.

My friend relocated cities for her husband's new job. Then he was too busy with the job to help with settling in, sorting out kids, making friends, too busy for her basically. She joined a hobby to get her out of the house and 'doing something for herself'. Then her best friend (from childhood) died unexpectedly and her husband did nothing to support. My friend met someone at her hobby who she could confide in and who reciprocated with emotional support. They fell madly in love (her words not mine).

So in that case I would say the opportunity was created by feeling emotionally shut off from existing partner and meeting a new person who filled that emotional void. I do wonder if her old friend hadn't died whether she would have felt that 'need' quite so much, but it may well have happened anyway.

But the opportunity isn't some external 'thing' which must lead to an affair. If you've decided not to cheat, how then does opportunity turn you into a cheat? The decision to cheat is a binary one. Opportunity knocks then the decision is either, yes I'll cheat or no I'll not cheat.
If a person thought they'd never cheat but then opportunity arises and whoops they've cheated when they never thought they would - see how that is nonsense?

I have previously posted parts of this. But am limited on time today.

Anyone is capable of cheating, tinder sits only a few clicks away. Being faithful is an active choice SOME people make. I stood in front of friends and family and made vows. I did that willingly. I choose to have integrity as i like and respect who I am. I am far from perfect and I accept there are people funnier, smarter and prettier then me. But I like myself and if my words are meaningless then what or who am I?

I stay faithful for me. I have integrity and self control. Integrity is one of my core values and im not going to let myself down. My husband is collateral damage to my decisions. I don’t do it FOR him (he’s annoying at times and he can’t make me do anything) I am faithful for me. I respect myself.

Cheaters are liars. They lie to their spouse, the other person and themselves. They are proven liars.

I believe cheaters cheat due to character defects. Poor self esteem, the need for external validation, poor self control, lack of self discipline, compartmentalising, inability to self soothe, arrogance, lack of empathy, poor communication or inability to communicate how he feels, holds onto resentment rather than having discussions. Of course not all have every characteristic but look at him carefully. They may not be apparent initially but with time and scrutiny you can see them.

They lack integrity and self respect. Someone who had integrity would ‘kill or cure’ the marriage before sneaking about like a 15 year behind the bike sheds. It’s not a good look for a 15 year old never mind an adult.

A cheater has a but in his fidelity. I am faithful but not if I won’t get caught. I am faithful but not on a stag do with the lads. I am faithful but a strip club doesn’t count.

Sadly the character traits a cheater has makes it tricky for them to fix themselves. They claim values that are not really their values. Needing ego kibbles/external validation and low integrity and lying are hard to fix. To recognise yourself as someone who chose to abuse your spouse (an affair is abusive - gaslighting, putting sexual and mental health in danger, lying, sneaking etc) is hard to do. They want to be the good guy in their story.

If you are unhappy you talk, divorce or put up with it. Sneaking about doesn’t solve your problems it just adds more. My choices and values matter to me I have to live with me forever, you can’t make anyone cheat we are not that powerful.

I think the key issue here OP may be that you don't drink. Alcohol loosens the inhibitions. It's pretty common to do something when you're drunk and regret it later (eg say something to someone that you'd never say when sober).

I used to travel frequently with work in my late 20s/30s, mostly around Europe, mostly staying in nice hotels, lots of eating out and lots of opportunities to meet people be it fellow business travelers in the hotel or locals in bars and restaurants. I was single at the time and it was very easy to 'meet' people, I was away my social circle and friends, you were often in what felt like exotic and intoxicating cities that were a world away from the hum drum existence of home life. I witnessed a lot of affairs/illicit encounters by people (both men and women), often from the sort of types you would least expect it.

It’s never an accident. It’s a series of choices. Your spoken words don’t align with your true values.

I cringe when someone says it was an accident or I couldn’t help myself or it just happened. No it didn’t, slipping on ice is an accident. The process you need to go through to have an affair or even a one night stand is not an accident it’s a vast number of choices (often with an element of secrecy and deceit) it’s anything but an accident. It’s a choice. (Even a drunken one night stand).

I've experienced the opportunity to cheat several times, I never have.

Works trip a few years ago, few glasses of wine in, was going through a bit of a rough patch in life and feeling quite low. A very handsome and charming man approached me at the bar, I knew what he wanted, it would've been so easy. One night, no strings, husband would never have known.

I didn't of course, I told Handsome Man I was happily married, thanked him for the flattery and shooed him away. Opportunity is everywhere, it's the decision you make when confronted with that opportunity that decides whether you're a cheat or not.

Well then, you had opportunities to cheat, surely? It isn’t compulsory to take said opportunities.

Your posts are really great to read @FairyMaclary so insightful and food for thought.

I actually agree, what those people really mean is they didn't cheat until it was sufficiently easy to, and they found someone they liked enough that the risk seemed worth it. We've all experienced crushes on colleagues, I'm sure. The opportunity is realising they are into you as well. Cheating happens when you decide that you would rather indulge the fancy than respect your partner. Unless you are very drunk, it is a decision.

Generally agree with this. Everyone has the possibility or ability to cheat, but it’s choice that stops them. Of course you’ll meet other people you fancy even when you’re in a relationship, but it’s pretty easy to just…not act on it. If someone is cheating because of a problem in their existing relationship I’m of the view that it’s a coward’s way out and they should have the balls the end their current relationship before embarking on a new one.

Of course, like anything, it’s not quite as black and white, people can make bad choices, mental health, alcohol etc can make people choose actions they might not, but these aren’t excuses, they may be catalysts but ultimately we all have free will and self control. What I don’t agree with, that’s often posted on here, is that a close friendship with the opposite sex is an “opportunity” to cheat - as a bisexual I find this very silly, because it would mean I’m open to shagging all of my friends, which I’m not, because they’re friends, and generally you don’t fancy your friends, or even if you can appreciate they’re physically attractive, you don’t want to ruin the friendship by introducing sex or the fact you’re platonic friends makes the thought of sleeping with them quite ‘ick’.

how then does opportunity turn you into a cheat?
You find you enjoy the attention
You realise your main relationship isn't perfect
You fancy a shag, it's exciting and new

A man with whom I share a 'deep connection' (heheh - no, not that!) is married, therefore we are never alone together as that would pretty quickly become 'an opportunity'.

I think the opportunity you speak of OP is literally meeting someone that there is a mutual physical and emotional connection between. You have never cheated, probably not because an opportunity never arose, but because you are either fundamentally opposed to cheating or are very loyal/in love with your spouse so acting on an attraction wouldn't occur to you.

I place myself in the same category as you. Very much in love with my DH and wouldn't cheat. But I have been in situations over the years where I've had opportunities. I think this boils down to my belief that there's no such thing as 'the one', rather I think there are potentially thousands of men out there who I could love and be happy with and from time to time one crossed my path. That doesn't lessen my love for DH it's just basic probability - if there was only one true match for each of us nobody would ever pair off because the chances of meeting said 'one' would be minuscule. So when I've met another man I feel an attraction to I consciously remind myself how lucky I am with DH and there's never been any temptation to cheat as a result.

I don't understand what you don't understand. Long relationships can go through tough times when you're a bit sick of each other. If, in the midst of one of those periods, you meet someone who you have a bit of chemistry with, it can very quickly seem like the grass might be greener or that you deserve a bit of fun for putting up with your difficult/annoying other half. Opportunities are literally everywhere. Online, work, socially.

All of this can happen to people who think cheating is wrong, who don't see themselves as someone who does bad things, who thought they were madly in love for their spouse forever and would never look at another person.

I have never cheated but I absolutely understand what the opportunity to cheat looks like and how people end up cheating even though they never dreamed they were that person. And contrary to what you read on here, it's just as likely to be women as men.

Monogamy is a choice and it also requires discipline (which comes more naturally to some than others) and commitment. Lots of people get into marriages and long term relationships underestimating that work can be involved in maintaining it.

I get what people are saying about the ‘opportunity’ to have an affair but I don’t believe that’s why the affair happens.

It happens because the person cheating wants to get involved/have sex with the other person. It really is as simple as that. You don’t start an affair or have sex with someone when you don’t want to. This ‘it just happened’ or ‘I don’t know how it happened’ crap that they push after being caught is literally ridiculous. They wanted to do it so they did.