Hope to cope with grief of losing my living family - am I wrong?

[NorthernSturdyGirl]

This is complicated and I don't know how to word it with abbreviating it significantly but will try. My parents divorced when I was very young, me and my siblings stayed with mum. My older brother (OB) was always a loner and very different and my mum was very protective of him. His needs always came first. Throughout my entire life I have felt third best. My mum loves me and has been a good mum with the exception of her favouritism of him. Over the years my OB has been very rude to me and my older sister (OS), who does not have a relationship with him, tells me its just the way he is and I have to suck it up. My mum says she is stuck in the middle, she is not, she perpetuates his rudeness. As an adult, to an extent I could ring fence myself off and limit the damage but that no longer works due to my mums failing health. I'm the one that lives local to mum and she is knocking on 90 and needs lots if support which is given by me. OB keeps popping up, does nothing for elder care himself but criticises me. He knows which buttons to press. Neither my mum nor sister support me and tell me I have to accept the way he is - but I can't, its annihilating me and devastating my self worth. I keep putting my life on hold to support others, my OB keeps criticising and mum and sister basically tell me to put up or shut up. But they are not stuck in the middle they are creating the situation. OB was asked for his input on something, he did not respond, I forged ahead as it had a deadline with mum and OS's approval and OB now says its wrong and mum agrees - I just can't win.

Then upon the death of a distant family member, my executorship kicked in. Upon getting all the paperwork in, it quickly became evident the deceased had been subject to elder financial abuse to a significant extent and the family responsible (not blood related) was pretty clear. The evidence was condemning. In front of my mum and OS my OB said he would help me. I reported it to the police as we are talking about many thousands of pounds and also copied my OB in on the evidence (pre retirement he worked in legal circles).

My mum rang me as she was concerned as my OB had told her I could get into trouble for making false allegations! I was gutted that (a) he hadn't even bothered to look at the evidence I had sent him, (b) he hadn't talked to me about it, (c) that my mum believed what he was saying (as always) and didn't stand up for me. Thats not being caught in the middle, its perpetuating the malice. He always does stuff like this and I'm always found lacking. Anyway the police evidently saw merit in my findings and an arrest was made.

The problem is, I can't cope with this anymore, I have tried so many times to talk calmly and explain how hurtful I find this and then I have vented when he does something but the answer is always put up or shut up - that is just the way it is. I've had counselling on this over the years, my mum knows this and basically they tell me to walk away. Finally that is what I have done but the grief of losing my mum is killing me but she says she is too old to change.

Your choices, hard as they are, are simple. Either walk away or find a way to deal with your brother which is basically shutting up.

Just don't get involved. Do the bare minimum if you must. Let your brother pick up the slack. If he fails that's his problem.

You are the scapegoat in this family.

You DM and OS have been happy to throw you under the bus, time and time again, your whole life to avoid, divert and enable the shocking behaviour of your OB.

Well done for walking away.

What happens next is that your OB will keep on punching (because that’s who he is) but because you are not there, they will now be the recipients. They will be trying to hoover you back with exaggerated or manufactured emergencies - so that you can take the punches again away from them. Don’t fall for it.

You have lost your DM a long time ago if she hasn’t had your back.

I suspect your pain and grief is for this - the mother that wasn’t there for you your whole life to date rather than the future.

Its heartbreaking but SHE is not going to change - that’s the harder part to suck up as everyone knows your OB is a wrong ‘un, but you would expect more from your DM.

But thats the problem, other than visit they do nothing. My mum appreciates what I do until he says its wrong.... And then I'm wrong apparently, even if its clearly not. I get criticised, they just walk off and leave me to do all the hard work until the next opportunity to criticise me. I'm an intelligent woman with a responsible job and find the constant belittling of me when I had been going above and beyond in the care of my mother, devastating. But none of them are interested. They won't help but find continual fault with me!

It's really tough, but you have to keep away from these toxic relationships for your own sake. Your mental health is already suffering, and will only get worse if you keep getting dragged back.

The problem is all your life you have allowed others to set the terms of your interactions with them.

You can change this. Take control. Decide what interactions you want to have with your mother, and enforce them. Your mother is someone who clearly always takes the path of least resistance, and that currently means trampling you. You can change that, but have to be prepared to offer some resistance.

If you don't want to cut them off (which is a valid choice, but it doesn't sound like it's what you want) you have to define the terms of the interactions you are prepared to have, and withdraw if anyone violates those boundaries. So you do what you are willing to do, explain how and under what circumstances you are willing to do them, and make it clear that if anyone oversteps those boundaries you will withdraw. And stick with it.

At this point, only you can change the nature of your interactions, and that means changing the incentive system your mother is presented with. I would just ban her from mentioning your brother, and make it so that if anyone ever criticises what you do you will stop doing it and leave for a period of time.

The reality is they all want you to do the things you want to do too, so they are likely to toe the line. And if they don't, it's not different from withdrawing now anyway, but you will probably feel less guilt as you set the terms in advance.

Maybe looking at the Stately homes thread on Mumsnet would help you. There's lots of good advice there

To manage the grief it’s important to proactively fill the time and headspace that you would previously have allocated to your DM care duties etc to other activities and people. Don’t ruminate and brood - get busy and find activities and people that bring you joy and diversion. What are all of the things you would like to do now you have been relieved of the time and mental stress of caring?

Spend time with or nurture new acquaintances that are warm, fun, radiant, mutually reciprocal relationships.

Don’t let your life leaving them be worse than being with them. You have tried too hard for too long - IMHO you have suffered enough. Time to take care of yourself and restore what they have drained from you.

I don’t think your situation is entirely uncommon, from spending many years on MN.

Your OB isn’t going to change. it seems like you are still playing out those childhood power struggles - after all these years, you are left with unresolved tension and you are still trying to fix it now you are a capable, intelligent adult. Truth is, some sibling issues cannot be fixed. You have to learn to make your peace with it; and once you accept it’s not in your power to make other people change, I think you will behave and feel differently.

To be very brutal, your mum can’t have too many years left. Very elderly people often aren’t as sharp as they used to be; their dependencies often make them vulnerable in ways we, as independent adults, are not. Your mum has always pandered to her son so I think it is no wonder she now lacks the capability to say “no” to him.

Your OS has washed her hands of the situation and is just taking the easiest path, which isn’t admirable but expecting her to change at this stage is perhaps naive.

So that leaves just you. In your shoes I would continue to offer care to my DM, and I would carefully document in a group WhatsApp any decisions made - eg “mum has House insurance due here’s a link to the quote, if you prefer to handle this instead please let me know by (date) that you are stepping in and confirm details, otherwise I’ll go ahead”.

don't engage with your OB more than the have to. Just keep it factual, stop trying to engineer situations in which both your mum and your siblings will approve of you. That path leads nowhere.

Does anyone have PoA over your mum’s affairs and if so who? It is something you and your siblings should discuss if not in place.

So this is basically what I have done previously but my brother lives a considerable distance from mums and even though she knows I am coming, as he is retired he rings at short notice to say he is on his way and I get surprised by his visit. But when I'm working, I only have a limited amount of time to visit and can't come back later to do the gardening yet she won't put him off and no-one else will do the work. I had no choice but to walk away, my sister says I didn't give her time to sort him.... She has had years and just didn't get the desperation on my behalf and way underestimated how much I was hurting.So I walked away after a million warning shots that became so commonplace they just ignored me - I became self sabotaging, so had to follow through with the threat this time. My sister even tried to deflect by claiming my issue was work related stress and not them.Apparently she struggles to listen to me whining about it. I miss my mum so much, I wrote and explained how I felt and got no reply and its beeñ months since I have seen her. I know this is how it has to be but it hurts that they won't compromise and I worry they don't give her the care she needs. Mum on the other hand just thinks I will come back on line when I am over my strop and everything will go on as before. But it can't!

Could it be that your OB is blunt, tactless, but correct though. You say he worked in law, you sent him "evidence" of the financial abuse (as you saw it), he skimmed across it (as lawyers do) and maybe it immediately didn't seem as clear cut to his expert eyes as to your untrained ones.

He has then cautioned against raising allegations as you could be in trouble yourself. Seems entirely sensible to me, what seems like slam dunk evidence to a layman might seem very shakey indeed to a lawyer, or someone experienced in the law.

Sounds like he is not wanting to get involved personally because he can see a claim/counterclaim/defamation skermish ahead - I'd be listening to his smoke signals, regardless of if hes a tit or not.

I echo all the excellent advice you've received here. You can't change the past or your mother's attitude, but you can change your reaction to them. I would go no contact with your brother, he won't change and you need to stop trying to instigate his cooperation. It's painful for you when he agrees to help and then does a 360 and casts blame on you. Your sister has obviouslg learnt to to keep her head below the parapet and you need to do the same.
Grief at the way you have been treated is a different issue and l would suggest more counselling to help you cope with this and how to manage your feelings.

Did you not read? OP stated
"Anyway the police evidently saw merit in my findings and an arrest was made."

@NorthernSturdyGirl Mum on the other hand just thinks I will come back on line when I am over my strop and everything will go on as before.
I think she might actually mean you will come back IN line!!! do not go there, for the sake of your mental health. she is as bad as your OB. all seem very toxic to me. you will eventually settle down and continue to live your live much happier, as I did after going no contact! nothing I did was ever good enough even though older sister did nothing! I gave up!

He hadn't read the information I gave him, he was not in criminal law and the Police don't just take your word that there has been criminal activity, they go off and investigate and only when they find evidence do they arrest. Another example if I may. OB was visiting Mum, her TV was broken. For several days he sat there and did nothing. I was due on the Saturday morning to do her gardening. I arrived as he was leaving in his car and he sent me a text saying mums TV was broken, they were in stock at Argos and I needed to get her one and program it in. I was furious, he is retired, he could have gone and got it and programmed it in, but he left it for me. I had to get a taxi to get the TV, install it and come back again to do the gardening. Then before I left, he rang my mum to make sure I had done it and explained I would be be better at programming it then him and my Mum agreed. A couple of days later he text me to say he would go 1/3rd on the TV so he had clearly expected me to pay for it too. Its about control.

Well done for going to the police. OB can sod off.

It is so hard to detach but you're doing well. Don't expect a more decent relationship from OB or your mother.

I'm similar here although luckily I have wider family who are extremely supportive. I don't expect anything from immediate family anymore (also the scapegoat).

Ironically as this was all blowing up I had asked my OB & OS if we could talk about LPA's and said if we reached agreement amongst ourselves and then suggested it to Mum, if she felt we were all in agreement, she would consider it, but one whiff of dissent and she would balk. The practical reason for not having my OB on the financial one was because my OB is never available, he does not answer texts/calls or messages, he lives a few hundred miles away and so I asked that I had the Financial LPA with perhaps my sister and that we all had the care one. He simply isn't available to discuss day to day financial stuff and he issues edicts, his way or the highway - he will not discuss and mitigate. He frequently arranges to visit my mum for several days, she cooks him a meal as arranged and then he doesn't turn up, won't answer her calls and then rings several days later saying he will be down the next day. So its not just me that there are contact issues with or that he mistreats and whilst Mum gets really upset and whinges to me about it, she says nothing to him. I get to mop up the pieces.

My sister agreed about the LPA's. My main gripe with my sister is that she buries her head in the sand and just way underestimates how upsetting I am finding this because to address it, as someone astutely mentioned earlier, she would have to stick her head above the parapet. Instead she just leaves me to struggle with it and ignores me when I ask for help and passes it off as whining.

My brother wants to be on the Financial LPA too but its just impractical, I can't wait around for him to answer (which is normally never) urgent queries and so I said that as I was the one doing everything, that wouldn't work for me. I suggested that they got the Financial LPA between them and all three of us on the care one. But then that leaves them with the work and I am the one on the doorstep but I am no longer willing to be used and abused and until they start talking to me as an adult and not their snotty nosed younger kid sister, I just can't return to looking after my mum. They make me feel like a brainless idiot whose opinion and feelings do not matter. My counsellor has advised me to walk away but that is easier said then some when you love someone.

Actually this is completely off topic but by chance I wondered quite early this morning if it was balk or baulk (unrelated to this thread, I wondered if I was spelling it incorrectly).

Apparently both right but balk is the more Americanised way of spelling it.

Anyway best of luck OP :)

Absolutely take some distance for your own well being and peace of mind. No guilt. I'm sure many of us wish some relationships were different but sometimes they're just not.

@NorthernSturdyGirl I agree with your counsellor walk away. Let your siblings do all the care and admin. Your siblings and mother are treating you like a doormat.

Don't think she doesn't know what she is doing, she is enabling your brother to treat you like shit. I use to think my dad did it for a quiet life while my mum treated me like dirt but the truth was he was manipulative and complicit.

You shouldn't have to grovel for her love and approval, your golden balls brother sure as shit doesn't. You think you love her because you are desperate for her to see your worth, she won't, she believes you will come crawling back on your knees.

I walked away from my family in January after years of being taken advantage of and insulted. It was hard, 2 months of anguish, anger, rage, anxiety, however out the other side peace [which feels odd as never experienced it in my family]. I knew stuff wouldn't get done, no one would visit or phone mum, my siblings have the POA's but do nothing. My mum always played favorites, it has bred resentment and anger. I was neglected and beaten as a child so I owe my family nothing.

10 months on I no longer care or think about it. I was so enmeshed I was emotionally and physically exhausted. It is not our guilt to carry, they don't feel guilty for treating you badly. Don't fret over what if's, if only they would, why can't they see, it hurts to know they don't care, your needs are a long way down their list of priorities.
Walk away save your sanity, leave them to it.

Thank you for all your kind words but my Mum is actually a lovely person, she has had a tough life and has developed coping mechanisms that sometimes work against her.

She just won't listen and whether she thinks I am wrong or right, she just way underestimates the depth of my hurt and resentment over her facilitating his bad behaviour. In fairness, its not doing him any favours either as if he thinks this behaviour is OK, so no wonder he has no friends. He has mental health issues he needs to address yet I am the one in counselling.

And my sister just hides from the truth that we are a dysfunctional family and is scared to admit there are problems to address. I can't sort this myself and I am no longer willing to sacrifice myself to help them to continue to hide the truth. That truth is that once my mum goes, as things stand at the moment, we will no longer have a family.

That truth is that once my mum goes, as things stand at the moment, we will no longer have a family.

The truth is that you currently do not have a ‘family’ - you are just a group of individuals who are not pulling together but are variously obstructive, resentful, exploitative, contemptuous and dismissive of each other.

Stop trying to manage this impossible and unsustainable situation.

My dad was a psychiatrist and used to say that for every family, the one who sought counselling was the sanest one, because they were the one who recognised how fucked up the family situation was.

OB offered to help me, he did this in front of the family having received my email with the evidence. If in his legal opinion (he was not a criminal lawyer) I was over egging the evidence, then why didn't he tell me? Why did he scare the hell out of our Mum. Why didn't she query this with him rather than just ringing me and say I could get into trouble? Not really rational behaviour is it. He just threw the emotional hand grenade into the ring and watched my mum do the damage, then absolved himself of any responsibility.

Anyway, the police investigated my concerns, found merit and arrested someone, they don't do that when it is ill conceived.

But this again is how I am treated by my siblings, like I am incapable of making a reasoned assessment of a situation and acting appropriately. They ignore requests for help, and then put my struggles down to work related stress and whining. Never seems to cross their minds that working full time and dealing with elder care and other family issues, that they should should be helping with, maybe a big part of the problem and that they need to help, not belittle me.

I have never reported anyone to the Police before and it was a major decision for me (we are talking £40-£60,000 missing here) and if I am so thick and incapable, why leave our Mum in my care. They don't want to know because that would involve some input from them...its very demeaning and I know I had to walk away but I'm struggling with how to cope with the grief.

Your family sounds very similar to mine. Neglect and favouritism are a toxic combination for siblings and with a mother who gaslights you by telling you it's all normal and fine and you're the problem (or even just jealous) it can drive you mad (did me!).

It took years to come to terms with it and in the end it's not the practical aspects as much as the emotional effort of holding all the contradictions together at the same time. It felt soul destroying. It was soul destroying.

My parents are dead now but it's only recently that I've been able to acknowledge just how awful it really was and how horrible we siblings have all been to each other. Because that's what we learned (were taught) to be.

I don't have any advice, just empathy and sympathy and a book recommendation.

If you can find it read "Families and How To Survive Them" by John Cleese and some psychiatrist bloke. I know John Cleese can be an arse but this book helped me understand a lot of things about my own toxic family, change and move on.

If you can find one, a suitable therapist might be worth seeing even if only for a few or half a dozen sessions. You can work this out but it helps to have pointers, guidance and direction.

I wish you well. I wish you love. I wish you peace.