Should I stay or go?

[CantWakeUp]

Bit of background, myself and DP have Ben together just short of 5 years, got pregnant fairly quickly due to contraceptive failure and now have a beautiful 3year old DS. Since then we’ve both struggled badly with depression and sought medical help to get through that. DP also used to be an addict well before we met and has turned back to smoking cannabis in the last year and a half. I’m strongly drug averse due to some childhood experiences and I find it deeply disrespectful that he knows this and continues. It’s also having a huge financial impact in that I’m the sole earner in the house and he’s a SAHP so the £200+ a month is coming from my already fairly low wage. I work a 40 hour week so fairly standard hours, also cook all evening meals when I get home, do every bath and bedtime and become default parent as soon as I step in the door. I do all night wakings, though those are reducing now thankfully and probably 70% of the cleaning in the house, including all washing, though he does hang to dry while I’m at work. I’ve been asking DP to stop at at least cut down the cannabis for the past year and when he’s made any attempt to stop his mental health declines. He’s not back on anti-depressants and while they are now working he’s made no effort to stop. I asked him again recently if he could try to cut down slowly now he’s improving and I got a torrent of hate from him, that I’m the cause of his mental health issues, I’m controlling because I won’t let him smoke(even though I’m paying for it?) and generally that I’m the worst person under the sun.

I’ve been thinking of giving him an ultimatum of that if he hasn’t cut down noticeably by the end of January then I’m going to have to leave, or he will as I pay for the house. DS starts nursery in January part time and I have options for childcare outside of that so him not being here for childcare from then isn’t a worry for me as such. Would I be right to give this ultimatum or is there a better way to deal with this situation? Am I just an awful person and need to leave him to smoke as much as he wants or am I right to be upset about this?

that ended up being a lot longer than I had planned so thanks for getting through it, I’d really appreciate any advice.

This guy is bringing very little to your life and I’d be absolutely fuming I was paying for his drug habit. I’d be telling him he can leave in January so time for him to find somewhere else to live.

Sorry, but I am truly shocked that you are putting up with this.

You sound like a really nice and caring person and he is totally taking advantage of that, no, exloiting that, and walking all over you.

He isn't going to change. Getting high when he has a 3 year old child, even worse when he is the SAHP for that child, is absolutely appalling.

Please, stop being a mug for this cocklodger.

Im sorry you’re going through this. Seems like you’ve lost perspective a bit because any outside person can see what a terrible situation this is but you’re questioning yourself. Sounds like he’s spent so long convincing you you’re the problem or a big part of it that you’ve started to believe that in some way.

Try rereading your post and imagine it’s a close friend - or your grown daughter - telling you all this. What would you say?

Other things to consider - if he smokes that much he isn’t going to be fully there for your daughter and she WILL smell of weed.

He’s not doing any of the normal tasks a SAHP does outside of the bare minimum.

Getting you pregnant very quickly seems to have been good for him - he’s been able to sit at home, stoned, doing little to sort his life out while also being the main influence in your daughters life while you’re at work - is that what you want for her?

I think I have convinced myself that I’m the problem because it’s all I’ve heard from him whenever we’ve discussed this.

I absolutely wouldn’t wish this life on my son and i don’t know what I’d do if my child came to me in a similar situation. I feel like I can’t see the wood for the trees at the moment so im really struggling with what to do.

I do love him and he does have some redeeming qualities when he’s not using the weed but theyre non existent at the moment.

i don’t even know how to broach the subject of him leaving if he hasn’t cut down or stopped by January, how should I go about starting that conversation? I really would appreciate any advice there as I do struggle with confrontation

I think that it might help to be clear in your mind what you want, write it down if you need to. He’s been relying on your confusion and that you don’t like confrontation. Do you have any family or friends you can confide in who may be able to offer some support?

Sometimes i’ve found it’s a lot easier for me to stand up for my child vs myself and to consider i’m doing something tricky for them. Would that sort of mindset work for you do you think with your son? (sorry I said daughter originally). Consider that you’re doing what’s best for him. Keep it short and factual and don’t let yourself be drawn into an argument is my view. You can just say the relationship is over and you’d like to find a way to co-parent together at some stage, don’t let him railroad you into giving all your reasons.

Get rid. Send him back to parents. You sound a good person. You are doing the best you can for your son. Him spending £200 of the family money on drugs?! No. Its a vicious cycle. Drugs and depression. Does he do anything to help his mental health eg exercise. If he got a job even, that would help. Hes not a good influence to have around your child. I imagine your house/clothes stink of that horrible smell. Please have the strength to get him to leave

I got a torrent of hate from him

This says it all. If he says it's all your fault, ask yourself how you could make someone unleash torrents of hate at you. Does anyone else you're close to do that? Because if they don't, it's his reaction that's unusual, not your behaviour. If it was you, you'd be surrounded by torrents of hate from everyone all the time.

He says it's your fault. Why do you believe him?
If he said you had 6 legs, you'd think he'd gone mad. Why don't you think he's gone mad when he says that his behaviour is your fault? What's happened in your childhood that's made you believe that you're to blame when an adult treats you poorly? Addict parent? Abusive parent? Fighting parents? Parents too busy with demanding sibling? Ill parent?

What about the impact of weed on your child?

When my daughter was a reception teacher she could tell which children had been with their weed smoking father for weekend contact on the Monday. They reeked for one but they were also functioning through a fog until Wednesday.

If second hand smoking is a thing, my mother died young from lung cancer never having smoked but all my siblings, their partners and my dad did (the living room used to be like stars in their eyes) then second hand weed will be.

He's on a cushy little number here and is gaslighting you so you think you're the unreasonable one.

@ButterflyOil i do find it easier to stand up for my son so this is probably the best way forward. I need to do what’s right by him and not what’s easiest for me.

I think you’re all absolutely right and I need to just bite the bullet and have the discussion with him of that if things don’t change and quickly I will leave for the same of our child and for my own sake too. While I do love him, I also love my child and want what’s best for him.

as for the childhood experience I had an older sibling who nearly died from their drug addiction, they thankfully overcame that and are in a much better place now but it’s stayed with me.

perhaps even the shock and reality of me leaving is what he needs to sort his shit out and realise he’s losing his family and it’s his own doing

You could start by saying you are not going to be paying for his weed from January- can't believe you ever did really. It's not your responsibility to fund his drug habit. Also, if he smokes it, does he smoke regularly too? Who buys the cigarettes or tobacco ? - don't tell me, that's you too?

... actually, just tell him you are not paying for his weed as of now. He won't like it, but that's tough. If he gives you grief for it, there's your reason to end things.

OP your poor child ! You are bringing them up to believe drugs are normal ….. wow
set the bar low

@Pumpkinpie1 I absolutely am not bringing him up to believe that drugs are normal, see the post asking how I can leave an addict. Naturally I want my DP to change and remain a family unit but ultimately I know that’s unlikely so I need to use this time to get my ducks in a row so I can leave and show him it’s not okay to use drugs

@Opentooffers i agree that I shouldn’t be paying for it, and this will stop. I know realistically he won’t stop overnight but he will have to find a way to fund that himself. If he gives me grief for not paying then I do think it’s time I started to stand up for myself

If you say no more to money for the weed, then that can be your catalyst for getting rid. He will kick off and you can just call it a day and get him to leave. Why should you work full time to fund his drug habit!

He can stop overnight, if you mean more to him than the weed.

He is taking £200 that could be used to give you and your child a better life. I rest my case