Am I expecting too much from DH

[Tadah2]

Hi - thank you for reading. I would like some advice on whether my expectations are too high of DH.

I am pretty much in a sexless marriage in my 30s, I have repeatedly queried this and for years it was ‘I just don’t have as high of a sex drive’ then it became I have MH issues (which to be fair my DH does, anxiety and depression), and now this has resulted in ED. I’ve accepted this, but I’ve asked that he cuddle me, kiss me and be affectionate. I have had to ask for this repeatedly for years, as he will be affectionate for a week (sometimes a month) and then he stops. It gets me down that I have to keep asking for him to want to be affectionate.

We have two DCs who are young. He is very good with them, he does work away and stay away, so I do the majority of parenting. I’ve asked for counselling and he does say yes, but it’s difficult to find a counsellor who fits our time as he works late and if he is home at a reasonable time he helps with bath and bed and we won’t be finished until 8pm/8:30pm. I haven’t been able to find a counsellor, even one online, who works at that time.

I’m struggling, we are very much friends and I feel very low about myself. He never compliments me, I could wear a new outfit, change my hair and he doesn’t say anything unless prompted. After our last baby, he showed no affection even then. Nothing to try and make me feel better in the postpartum haze.

Other than this we have a lovely life, he earns very well so we have a lovely house, holidays and from the outside looks pretty picture box. He is very grumpy, anytime anyone comes over he goes upstairs, if he is downstairs his answers will be one word (again he contributes this to his anxiety and depression - albeit he’s fine at work). He refuses to take anti depressants on anti anxiety meds.

My Mum wants me to leave, my MIL says I wouldn’t blame you as she sees how much of a grump he is - but I just don’t know, as for my DCs it will be worse for them if I do leave. The only way they seem to be affected at the moment is one of my DCs actually asks her Dad to hug and kiss me as she sees it barely happens. Not sure what to do here, hang on in until DCs are older, or leave and then find out it’s tougher for my DCs (and me) on the other side.

one of my DCs actually asks her Dad to hug and kiss me as she sees it barely happens.

Kids learn about relationships from what they see modelled at home. This is what they will learn about relationships if you stay.

You shouldn't have to plead for affection. You can do better for yourself

That sounds really sad OP.

Not sure I could stay in that relationship to be honest. I'm also not sure that you're both modelling healthy relationships to your children.

My parents separated when I was young and I have friends who separated when they were teens and they seemed to find it harder to deal with.

Why are you keep adding children when in a horrible marriage?

Your mum is right. You are too young to be neglected like this. It sound like there is no chance he can change. If you stay you will end up hating him and resenting that you spent the best years of your life waiting and hoping. End it, the children will be fine.

And why do you have to make a stupid and pointless comment to someone who clearly is struggling and needs help!

OP you sound really sad. A chocolate box life on the outside is worse than being with someone without lots of material trappings who truly cares about you.

He doesn't engage with you emotionally and doesn't seem to care. If he did he would try the meds to see if they helped him. He should want to be better for you and the kids and since he doesn't then you are flogging a dead horse pleading with him to be affectionate.

Also, I second the pp who said kids often cope better when they are younger with parents separation.

Calm yourself down Susan! She's been struggling for years by her own admission yet brings another baby into shitty situation. Plenty bleeding hearts like yourself to pat her on the back