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Original poster

How can I move past cheating

19 replies

Mumeries · 07/11/2023 01:18

today my boyfriend admitted that his female friend has had a crush on him for years, and said that she loved him earlier this year. I had my suspicions but it was only confirmed today.
my problem is that he has never shut it down and he was even going to stay at hers earlier this year, but he didn’t. They were never officially together but had been talking for years and still do. She has been trying to make him jealous with a boyfriend, but I also wonder if he himself is trying to make HER jealous by being with Me. I don’t know what to think.
the argument is that we weren’t together whilst any of this happened and if he wanted to be with her then he would be. I’m not sure why they aren’t, I don’t know what this game is I don’t know why he’s with me.
they talk everyday on the phone but I can’t bear to see him texting her or the sound of her voice so we haven’t met up in person for over a month. I hold this whole thing against him. He wants to see me and I miss what we were. But I can’t bear to see him. I will lose it. ever since I found out about her over month ago I’ve just been fighting with him about it and we do nothing else. I don’t know if there’s a way I can move past it

OP posts:
ThousandCows · 07/11/2023 01:36

I can't see that there's been any cheating...? Especially as much of what you've explained seems to have happened when you weren't together.

I agree that speaking to a female friend on the phone every day is probably an unusually close relationship, and one that I think I'd struggle with (even if was a male friend, or a relative, to be honest!) But from what you've said, in my opinion, there's not necessarily anything untoward going on.

If the friendship isn't going to change, you just have to decide whether you can live with it or not. It doesn’t really sound like you can...

Original poster
Mumeries · 07/11/2023 02:10

ThousandCows · 07/11/2023 01:36

I can't see that there's been any cheating...? Especially as much of what you've explained seems to have happened when you weren't together.

I agree that speaking to a female friend on the phone every day is probably an unusually close relationship, and one that I think I'd struggle with (even if was a male friend, or a relative, to be honest!) But from what you've said, in my opinion, there's not necessarily anything untoward going on.

If the friendship isn't going to change, you just have to decide whether you can live with it or not. It doesn’t really sound like you can...

I see it as some form of cheating because there’s some kind of emotional involvement, they were going to sleep with eachother even

OP posts:
MariaLuna · 07/11/2023 02:25

^
today my boyfriend admitted that his female friend has had a crush on him^

He's not for you.

Nobody needs this kind of bullshit. Just playing you.

Fuck him off.

Newstaronthehorizon · 07/11/2023 02:42

Op, why are you trying yourself in knots over this?

You know you can never trust him. It's incredibly disrespectful. They both sound they enjoy the game. It's not what he says, your bf's actions tell you what sort of person he is.

You need to find your self respect and end this relationship.

Find some one who is into you, not into emotional torture.

You know this. You need to rip off the plaster and get it over with so you don't waste any more time.

Choose carefully op, some men don't offer happy ever after. It's important you recognise this and have some self preservation.

There are lovely men out there who will respect and cherish you and would never do this to you.

I have been married for 35 years and my DH would never have done this to be.

There's no future in this relationship so just don't prolong the pain and don't let him claw you back.

You know all this.

Froooty · 07/11/2023 04:09

He IS cheating on you. Right in front of your face. Even if he hasn't slept with her, she is his confidante, he shares all his thoughts and feelings with HER instead of with the one he's meant to be with - you. This relationship is far too intense, because I bet he isn't calling and texting any of his male friends on a daily basis. You are absolutely right to wonder why he's with you when his soul mate is over there!

You need to either call it out and make it clear that he's prioritising her over your relationship (see what he says) or just walk away. I honestly don't think he's going to cool it off with her though, he'll either argue there is nothing going on and miss the point, or start calling/texting her in secret.

NotObligedToArgueWithStrangers · 07/11/2023 06:27

It's only a matter of time. Move on, he's not fully available to you and will probably never be.

PierceMorgansChin · 07/11/2023 07:26

Nobody has time for this bullshit, and neither should you. You are right he probably uses your 'relationship' in that game he has going on with her, as she has a boyfriend. Take all the power back and ditch the wanker. He will probably tell her he dumped you tho, won't admit its your idea as that would make him look like a looser he is

Asformending · 07/11/2023 09:11

Seems he is your everything and you are his occasional fall back girl.

Bin him and find someone worthy of your love.

EvenBetta · 07/11/2023 09:14

Just a boyfriend, you fight constantly and haven't seen him for a month? This is not a relationship. Enjoy life, be more picky when dating in future.

EvenBetta · 07/11/2023 09:20

Why did you not bother replying to your other thread about this non-relationship from 3 days ago?

Moveoverdarlin · 07/11/2023 09:29

It’s not cheating, but it’s not like a proper relationship either. He’s more involved with the other woman than you. Sorry but I would dump him and say ‘Look we’ve not seen each other in a month and I’m never going to move past your relationship/friendship with Amy. I feel like a 14 year old at school, who is in the middle of a weird love triangle, and I’m the outsider. I’m a level-headed person and being in a relationship with you is sending me in to a jealous, irrational bunny boiler, and that’s not me, so sorry but let’s call it a day. I’m sure Amy will be delighted, she got what she wanted.

CalistoNoSolo · 07/11/2023 09:32

He makes you very unhappy, so just leave already.

Laurdo · 07/11/2023 09:36

Even if he hasn't cheated physically, he's clearly having an emotional affair. And aside from that is being very disrespectful to you.

I would never stop my DH having female friends, however, I know for a fact if one of them told him they had feelings for him he would keep her at arm's length out of respect for me and also for her. He certainly wouldn't be on the phone to her everyday and not seeing me for weeks.

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship? Cut your losses and let them get on with their "friendship". You deserve better. Much better.

FairyMaclary · 07/11/2023 10:14

He is cheating - it’s an emotional affair. Read the book ‘ not just friends’.

I presume you are not married, no mortgage and no kids together. If that is the case dump him (with style) and move on with your life.

You can’t change him and why waste precious time trying.

Look at yourself - is being in this relationship
a) helping you be who you want to be
b) bringing out your best qualities
c) helping you in life’s journey?

if you are becoming someone you don’t recognise or enjoy being then rip off the plaster. Dump him with dignity and spend your time with people who have values and traits that align with yours. Go have fun and pop this toad back in the pond.

Anonymousismyname · 07/11/2023 11:27

Dirty dancing- "Nobody puts baby in a corner" Know your worth girl or nobody will. Don't be second to NONE.
A man will prioritise his relationship with his woman.
A boy will prioritise his relationships with his hoes and options.
Stand tall queen...even if it means alone x

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/11/2023 14:11

I don’t think anyone can move past this!

think of the poor women who are married and have kids and are stuck

you are emotionally attached but can and should exit this love triangle

better alone than feeling second best and anxious

rentingthisglove · 07/11/2023 17:07

Don't move past it. Just dump him and find someone who wants to have a relationship with you (if that's what you want) cos he doesn't otherwise he wouldn't risk losing you over his 'friend'

Nocturna · 07/11/2023 19:47

Sounds very immature all round, how old are you both?

CuppaCoffeeandCake · 07/11/2023 20:15

He’ll sleep with her. It’s just a matter of time. Bin him off. Not worth the stress and disrespect. He knows she has feelings for him and still strings her along, and you’re supposed to be comfortable with this “because you weren’t together…” bet it would be a different story if the roles were reversed and you were cozying up BFF style with a man who fancied you.
Honestly, bin him and don’t look back. Plenty more fish in the sea.

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