Should I stay or go

[Mistyroad]

Mistyroad · Today 21:12

Hi, this is my first time on here , so I hope I'm doing it right 🙈...
I've been in a relationship with my OH for 25 years and we have one son ( I have another boy from a previous marriage) .
My feelings for him have changed , I love him but not in a romantic way, he still loves me dearly and it breaks my heart that I don't feel the same.
I spoke to him a few months ago about separating but he didn't want that , so he decided to sleep in the spare room instead....4 months later and he's still in the spare room and we are living together like roommates, no affection , just chit chat about work and kids etc .
The house is in his name so I wouldn't be entitled to anything , so the financial implications are one of the main reasons I'm staying put really , I only work part time and would have to find somewhere to rent.
I'm so torn what to do for the best , I hate making him unhappy , but I can't change the way I feel about him.
Any advice would be great , thanks xx

You need to check with a solicitor about the house. I think you are incorrect?

Have you tried couples therapy? Is that something both of you would consider doing?

Do you think after 25 yrs , perhaps the spark is gone and it can be found again? Love , as you will know can go through different phases. How about going on date nights again, trying to be more affectionate and spicing up things sexually, if possible. If all fails and you are really unhappy with him you need to have a really honest chat to move forward with your life, you could still remain good friends?

If unmarried, correct. No rights.

Not quite correct. If the non-owner can prove they have a beneficial interest in the home they may be entitled to a share. After 25 years and a child I think OP could prove this, so worth talking to a solicitor.

@Mistyroad
25 years is a long time. And i am not sure most people who have been together that long have some sort of sparks/fireworks/early love sort of relationship.

What is really going on? Are you, maybe depressed? Or perimenopausal?
Is there a back story where your OH is abusive to you or the kids, or smth?

There must be something other than - ‘my feelings have changed’ - for you to uproot two kids from a comfortable life in a home with mom mostly being around - to a life with a drastically different lifestyle.

Do you have a plan for how you are going to support your kids - on part time salary? And where would you live?

I really think you need to take a pause and look at yourself and your relationship and see what is going on.

Have you tried counselling - individual or as a couple?

Thank you for your replies 😊.
I was told by a friend who'd been in the same situation, that I had to prove that I'd paid towards the mortgage and not just the bills ( I pay all utilities and TV, food ) .

I tried counselling for myself , the counsellor rightly or wrongly told me to leave him , she said he was a narcissist...I felt pressured from her so didn't go back.
I thought counselling could of given me the confidence I needed to either leave the relationship or st least talk to my partner about what's wrong with it....

Are you just not in love anymore - or actually deeply unhappy?
Have you told him? Asked him to change
what makes you unhappy?
Have you tried couples counselling?

if you say he loves you - i presume he’ll be willing to work on the relationship?

Your counsellor sounds odd, to be honest. Their job is to make you get a better understanding of yourself and your life. NOT to tell you what they think or what to do.

You are correct about the house. You can get child maintenance and apply for UC.

Alternatively - if you are set on leaving - i’d increase working hours or retrain before pulling the plug. At least then you will
be able to afford a better life for your kids

He's a kind and caring man , but he also tells us he's a kind and caring man , which I find strange...if he does anything for me ( very rarely) he tends to go on about it and makes sure other people know has well.
We've had no sexual relationship for over two years, and only an occasional hug or peck since.
He feels like a sibling tbh....the thought of getting sexual with him makes my tummy turn.
I feel like we both deserve to be happy , and not living in a house we're we don't feel comfortable.

I had a total hysterectomy just over two years ago so went straight into surgical menopause, which I admit hasn't helped...can't take hrt because of breast cancer risk...

How is he kind and caring if he rarely does anything for you? Are you believing his hype?

That's what I'm not sure of tbh...I love him like someone who's been in my life 25 years , but not how I should feel about the love of my life...I do everything for him because I have to not because I want to ( if that makes any sense)...my eldest son says I'm a people pleaser and that's why I'm in this situation...
Both my children are grown up, only one lives with me (23) and he's my rock tbh...we chat most days about stuff...he totally gets why I feel this way bless him .

I guess you're right, I could write on a postage stamp what he does for me.

The new types of HRT don’t carry the same breast cancer risk as older types so it’s worth a chat with a decent GP. I’ll admit I seem to be lucky that mine is a bit of a meno specialist but it’s worth exploring. Is it just your partner that turns you off or the idea of getting sexual with anyone?

I spoke to a menopause specialist and she said there are options now available, it's something I have been thinking about lately tbh.
I still get urges lol , I just don't look at him that way anymore 😔 ..

misty road

re your comment:
"my eldest son says I'm a people pleaser and that's why I'm in this situation..."

Is he right in that you are actually a people pleaser?. People pleasing behaviour as well often starts from wanting to parent please; was one or both parents difficult or otherwise emotionally unavailable?.

What do your sons think of this man?.

Re your comment
"He's a kind and caring man , but he also tells us he's a kind and caring man , which I find strange...if he does anything for me ( very rarely) he tends to go on about it and makes sure other people know has well"

What made your former counsellor call your partner a narcissist?. Did you talk to this person about him like you wrote in the above comment?. Why are you still with someone who you write of, "I could write on a postage stamp what he does for me".

Does your job give you flexibility to work full time?. What about your personal pension here, do you actually have one of these in place?.

To me it seems from your posts that you are really depressed. Surgical menopause may have had something to do with it, but the cause is irrelevant in a sense.

You can, of course leave now. But when someone is depressed - its hard to know whether the desire to leave is genuine, or its ‘depression talking’. It isn’t not uncommon to think one needs to get away from their life when depressed. But in reality - it may not make any difference to how you feel and, in fact, you may feel even worse.

Have you seen anyone else other than that counsellor? Have you considered (tried?) antidepressants?

In your place - i’d deal with depression before you make any decisions.
Some women going through menopause do go through a period of upheavals in their MH - and some make decisions in that time that they regret later
Your menopause was abrupt - so all the changes happened in one go. It must be really tough.

I still can’t really get much from your posts about what your partner is like - except that he ‘doesn’t feel like the love of your life’.

I don’t know what it means for a grown up in a long marriage, tbh.

But it does tell me you think that external circumstances are responsible for how you feel inside and that it is the solution to your pain.
But it’s not necessarily the case.

Finally - there is no mention of practicalities. Can you afford to leave? What will your life look like?

I was antidepressants for a year after my hysterectomy, i didn't feel like I needed them tbh. I feel fine when I'm at work or with friends etc , it's just when I get home I feel anxious...my partner has worked from home since covid so he's at home all the time and very rarely goes out, so I never have any alone time at home , well except when I'm in bed...

Have you spoken to your OH about it?
WFH can be draining and isn't great for a relationship. Does he understand that?
Have you tried working on your relationship?
You say he loves you - so have you tried?

To me - you sound numb and depressed.
The way you write. The way you avoid thinking about what your life would actually look like if you separate. You seem to think you’ll feel very different if he were not around.

I get it that you feel like you can’t relax with him WFH. And that your OH annoys and causes you anxiety.
Many menopausal women feel the same - btw. And as you can’t have HRT - you can try to manage it in different ways.
Antidepressants is one way. Non-hormonal HRT… And/or making your life outside of home busier and happier.

I have seen a few friends act on this feeling -meno hit and they have had enough of their H’s. I must say - it hasn’t worked out quite as they expected.

You're probably right , I should explain to him how I feel...that would be a start , he knows I'm unhappy but doesn't know how to fix it.
I work and speak to alot of women in their mid 50s and like you say they are struggling with husbands , partners and life in general...
Thank you for taking the time to write your message, it's definitely given me something to think about, I'm going to talk to my gp and see what she suggests....
Thanks again 😊

@Mistyroad

Look - getting older is no fun. Hormones affect us so much more than we realise.
Some people barely notice The Change. Others struggle for a long time.
And that is when it happens naturally…

So - i can’t even imagine what it feels like when is hurried and dumped on you in one swift go. It certainly takes longer than 1 year on AD to get through.

Add to it long relationship, covid, all the other craziness in the world, and partner stuck WFH and constantly in your hair - and it starts looking unbearable.

Separating all of the external stresses affecting you from the genuine issue in your relationship is nearly impossible.
So only think you can try - is change some of non-relationship stressors. Get yourself in a better shape, get your setup to be less stress inducing. Get some joy in your life.

If you then still want to leave - then you have your answer.

Yes I'm still manoeuvring my way through the aftermath of losing all my hormones....its had a massive impact on my mind and body.
I'm trying my best to connect more with my partner and let him back in... its very difficult but I feel like I should give it my best shot and like you say if it doesn't work , then at least I've tried.
Your messages have made a real difference to my way of thinking, so thank you so much , I really appreciate your input 😊

Update:
Had a conversation this morning and I asked where he thought our relationship was going!!!
I tried to explain that I was unhappy and I don't know how to fix it...he just said if you don't want to be here then go , he said he wants a quiet life.
So first thing tomorrow I'm going to find somewhere to rent , not ideal before Christmas I know , but I haven't got any choice.
He also said that he loved me but wasn't in love with me which is my fault because I've drained him of it the last two years....