Secretly suffering 6 years after being left for another woman

[TwoBabas]

It's all in the past but the past still haunts me.
I've tried to move on in every way possible. I have a lovely partner and two beautiful children.

But I think being left for someone else 6 years ago by an ex has left me with ptsd.... I had a nightmare last night that the ex and my replacement were on and won big brother as a couple (wtf I don't even watch big brother). There faces were plastered everywhere as a happy couple, the nations sweethearts and I felt humiliated and taunted but it in my dream.
I then cried all the way home from work for 30 minutes this evening as that stupid dream has dredged up lots of unpleasant memories and feelings.
I wonder if I will ever be free of this. It still comes back to haunt me.

It's not something I can share openly with anyone as I run the risk of upsetting my lovely partner or people wrongly assuming I'm not over my ex. It's not him that pains me, it's what he did. The way he went about it. It was a brutal and shocking discard and replacement that was very hard to understand. It was very cruel and humiliating.

I fear it 'ruined' me in the sense I am forever tortured by the experience and I lost a huge part of myself in the grief and trauma that I can never be the same. Something in me died and a spark has gone out.

How can I move forward. Advice welcome.

I would suggest therapy, especially with a trauma therapist.

I can't say anything helpful, but you're not alone. I feel that way too. It's nearly 10 years now. I never met anyone else afterward either, which makes me feel a bit rubbish and unwanted.

This is heartbreaking to read. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hate that some people are so cruel to their partners, I don’t know how they sleep at night.

I’m sorry I can’t add any practical advice. I echo LifeExperience’s suggestion of therapy/counselling.

Therapy, Therapy and more therapy. I had therapy for 3 years after my exH and I split (he had three affairs, moved out met someone a lot younger, moved her in to our family home within weeks of knowing her and decided to have baby within 3 months of dating. He also became abusive during the divorce). I too had PTSD from the ordeal and it took a lot of work to manage it. I won't say get over it, as I'm not, unfortunately. It has changed me forever and left deep scars, but I am happy and it sounds like you have everything in place to be happy too.
The most important thing for me is to recognise my triggers and to manage them when they appear so as PP suggested, a therapist with trauma experience is a must.

Good luck OP... I'm so sorry you're going through this.

How soon after things ended with thr ex did you get with this guy?

It's possible that you never took the time single to recover your self love. That you jumped into a new relationship and used it like a plaster. Instead of healing your own wounds.

And, especially if you've been having kids since then too...that you've kept pushing this pain asside and focusing on other things but nevr really dealing with it. And now it's starting to leak out.

I'm not a big advocate of therapy but in this case it might be useful. Or, perhaps, getting away by yourself it at all possible. Maybe an adventure holiday or a health retreat or something. Something where you are forced to confront your vulnerable and work through them. And to reconnect with your self and self love.

It is trauma, OP. Like others, I would suggest therapy and in particular EMDR therapy. It helps with coming to grips with traumatic experiences.

How brave and strong you are managing to forge a great new future for yourself whilst suffering in this way!
After a traumatic experience triggers and flashbacks are horrible and can be very persistent. Your brain doesn’t care what the content of the memories and experiences you went through, it could be completely life threatening or something totally de-stabilising like infidelity and abandonment, which can feel life threatening and do indeed change your life abruptly.
Your whole sense of safety and security in the world plus all your belief systems get blown apart and the more primitive part of the brain, the amygdala, goes on high alert to protect you. It stores the memories and all sensory information going on at the time (sounds, smells etc) in order to be able to recognise them in the future and give you a fight or flight response for your survival later. This is useful if you nearly got eaten by a lion, but can become a horrible series of unwanted triggered responses, experienced as if it were happening now, even though rationally you know it happened in the past. Sometimes you only have to smell something the same as you could smell at the time of the event, even some flowers that might have been in the room at the time, and boom, you are back there in a heartbeat.
It’s normal, but this is no consolation when it continues and blights an otherwise happy life.
Find a therapist OP, you’ve suffered enough and after all you’ve done to survive and improve your life, you deserve to be free of this. Google PITSD and you will hopefully find more information. I have heard that EMDR is very good for PTSD but I don’t know enough about it to talk about it, hopefully someone who does can point you in the right direction. There is a way out and help out there OP, you need to find a therapist who specialises in PTSD or hopefully PITSD. I’ve got a good PTSD book somewhere but can’t remember the title, 🙄. Will try to find it for you and post it here. X

I'm so sorry. I completely empathise as I still struggle a decade later. PTSD, lots of therapy. It's horrible. I'm glad you've been able to find somebody new because I'm so traumatised I've not been able to do that. You perhaps need some trauma therapy. I hope you find some peace

Found the book! It’s called The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma, by Bessel Van Der Kolk. I got mine from Amazon.

Found the book! It’s called The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, brain and body in the transformation of trauma, by Bessel Van Der Kolk. I got mine from Amazon.

I get you OP. My H did this after 20 years together.
It has taken me 7 years to get over the awful betrayal. And then one morning I woke up with the blinding realisation that he had never been good enough for me, I had settled because I had been lonely at the time and I should never have married him.
That was the turning point and I really feel I am completely recovered.
When you give your all to someone and then they betray you so horribly it is traumatic.
I second counselling. It's a great help.

Its ptsd and betrayal trauma OP. Similar circumstances for me... together 25 year..i gained cptsd and betrayal trauma. Still suffering. Youll need counseling OP xxxx

Another suggesting counselling. Outing myself here but I managed to make my counsellor cry such was my distress. I'm a bigger (literally!) and better person these days, but only because of working through the trauma I experienced. I am in another relationship now but I will never give myself away the way I used to. Not necessarily a bad thing, my DP admires my fortitude and independence. But the pain lingers. Not him, I don't miss him at all, in hindsight he was a proper twat. It was the cruel way he discarded me, moved on in a nano-second and treated me through our divorce. It still takes my breath away when it catches me unawares.

Were you married to him? I'm just curious as my ex left me 2.5 years ago after 4.5 years together. We weren't married though, but it came totally out of the blue when he ended it over the phone by telling me he'd never loved me - after telling me he did - and some more cold farewells. I know everyone is entitled to end a relationship, but like you, I felt discarded, also used. I had a few sessions of counselling which helped, but like you, I still don't feel I've completely bounced back, something still lingers. I'd never go back there but I still think often of what he said and how he did it. I'd never mention this to anyone as I'm sure they all think I'm 'over' it all now.

Maybe not much help, but I know exactly how you feel.

I feel for you OP . My husband left for my best friend over 30 years ago and though I no longer have feelings for him occasionally something will bring back the terrible hurt I felt. Years later my DP suffered depression and anxiety and I had counselling to help me understand his position. The counsellor identified I possibly needed counselling to move on from my previous relationship but I couldn’t afford it . It sounds like you may need help to move on . Please don’t suffer unnecessarily.

These replies thank to to each and everyone of you for such lovely words. I was expecting to be told to 'get over it' and 'move on' etc you have all shown such kindness. It's massively helped to push me through what has been a difficult 24 hours.

The road to recovery is slow and full of forwards then backwards steps. I am absolutely going to take the advice of looking into ptsd therapy. I have we considered it before but with two kids always feel I'm 'too busy'. I'm going to make it a priority.

My personal experience of extreme pain after betrayal went like this OP. I'm only telling you because I did eventually recover but it wasn't easy.

Someone I was close to suffered this kind of loss and never got over it. Over thirty years of not getting over it. I think their bad childhood experiences didn't help.

When it happened to me I was deeply hurt and your description resonates as well as calling it trauma. Because I'd seen it badly affect someone else I eventually, after several years, came to think I'd have to make really big efforts to get through it and find some peace or my whole life and relationships including with my kids would be affected. Totally 'unfair', really hard work and it took years to feel significantly better. It was 100% worth the therapy, writing, walking, thinking , reading, praying etc

Where there was a wound there's a barely visible scar now and it doesn't hurt. Honestly it doesn't. I'm 20 years away from it now.

It's a long haul but haul away. Peace can be yours.

@TwoBabas there are many of us affected by infidelity with PTSD symptoms to a greater or lesser extent, myself included. You are clearly doing everything you can to ‘get over it’ and ‘move on’, look how far you have come in spite of everything that happened to you, you couldn’t have done more. Sometimes our best efforts to get through things just aren’t enough when trauma is involved and never will be, we need to reach out for support and you have been brave enough to do that too. Make time for yourself now, you deserve it and you deserve peace of mind and happiness, with the blight of past trauma far behind you. Good luck and please don’t give up trying, one day at a time, the rewards will come. X

I am nearly two years post being left - 13 year relationship, 5 year marriage. Just upped and left. I do have some pride in that I caught him out, found the plane tickets he booked to see his whore. But the pain doesnt really seem to stop.

@TwoBabas oh I’m so sorry you’re still feeling that pain. I can relate, except my separation is far more recent and raw.

Together 18 years, he moved out for 6 months a few years ago which put me through hell. Got back together but was probably never quite the same again. I was unhappy because I could feel his heart wasn’t in it, but rather than confront the issue I just kept hoping it would get better and our shared history would keep us together.

Fast forward to this year, we separated in March (divorce nearly final) although still under the same roof (now his house rather than ours) while I wait to move out. During the course of the year it has inevitably come out that there is, of course, someone else. Going back to before we separated 😔.

I think I could have dealt with the separation, it’s the way he had no problem lying, cheating, betraying and deceiving that hurts. That lack of respect he had for me is crushing.

I know it’s really not helping that I’m still living here, but I am still struggling at times. I can see as clear as day why it was right to separate, but the fact that he’s in this serious relationship already is keeping me in this distressed / traumatised state. I can’t bear thinking of them doing things & going places - it literally gives me a physical pain when I do. And it’s all shiny and new and happy, while I am having real problems functioning on some days.

And I’m terrified that this feeling is never going to leave me, even after I move out. People naturally say ‘once you’re out of there, you’ll begin to move on’. But what if I don’t, what if I never get over this hurt & pain, what if I can never move on from this attachment I clearly still have?

I no longer know whether these are normal feelings given the circumstances, or whether I have an unhealthy connection to him still several months on.

💐to everyone still struggling with that pain.

@TwoBabas and everyone else still struggling, my phone has been spying again and I just got this on my Facebook feed: https://www.facebook.com/100068061192594/posts/pfbid037PacgT5hdsY1eHZ8gxCTN2pz7HsGfWV45VNHzHm3CsuEr5rqcRfB4e2ds5oJN5WSl/

It mentions the book I read.