Wwyd re parents and sister abusive husband

[Wotsitfappe]

My sister is seperating from her husband. It's been long process but he's just purchased a house.

He's been abusive not physically but in all other ways. She's had help from an abuse charity, just to verify he's not just awful, iyswim.

My parents are bey much the type to not discuss anything. It's almost pathological in them. But they do know the situation, I'm not sure if they recognise his behaviour as abuse or what, but either way it's awful.

What I'm struggling with is they still engage with him and help him out with stuff. Like some practical house bits for example. I just can't hlget my head around why anyone would do that with someone who had been abusive to a loved one.

We are not hugely close but do see them and live in vaguely same area. I just feel really let down for my sister and also for myself as I've been offering emotional and practical support throughout for like 2 years.

How would other feel on this and how would you proceed with your parents? I think I might just ignore it, but I do want to ask them wtf they are thinking.

Thanks

I was quite close to my parents, so my judgement is coloured by that, but I would have to say something. In my case I would have spoken to my mum first and reiterated the abusive nature of BIL’s actions,; I would have asked her why she found tgat so easy to overlook, and I would have asked her if that was worth alienating her 2 daughters. To be fair to my mum, it would not have got as far, I would merely have pointed out that her actions hurt my sister and she would have backed off.

I cannot imagine my Dad would have wanted anything as much as knocking BIL’s block off to be honest.

Given that you are not close, I would double down and tell them. What is there to lose?

I suppose you are right @PinkflowersWhiteBerries there is not a lot to lose. But they are the type to not take criticism or any challenge well. Like many people the least considerate are the most sensitive.

I think that phrase around why the find it so easy to overlook is a really good one. Thanks!

Your sentence..

" I cannot imagine my Dad would have wanted anything as much as knocking BIL’s block off to be honest." Made me feel a lot. As I feel like that's what we think of as the normal reaction. It also reminds me of how many times growing up the put others feelings before ours. I think reflecting on how I feelon this I realise it is hurting so much because it's a long line of stuff.

Yeah, I would actually be looking pretty hard at you and your sister's upbringing and wondering if there are attitudes and behaviours in your parents that basically set her up for an abusive relationship.

Sorry OP, it’s does sound very painful for you and your sister. Take comfort from the fact that you two have each other and can show each other that you care.

It's difficult because even when there's abuse, relationships are complex. Your parents might be scared that she'll take him back and that if they aren't careful, they'll lose her to him if she thinks they won't support the reconciliation. You wouldn't believe how many abused women get back with their abuser over and over again even after swearing blind they'll never speak of him again.

I wouldn't be able to be civil to someone who did that to my DD, but my aunt still invites my cousin's abusive ex to Christmas dinner and she knows what she had to rescue my cousin and her toddler from at 3am one night and the state my cousin was in and the injuries she'd had.

ETA: not all dinners. Just Christmas dinner. IDK if that's better or worse but it is what it is.

My mum still talks to my ex husband even though I rang the police because he was violent towards our daughter and scared the shit out of me, and we subsequently left and got divorced.

I have limited contact with her because I struggle with my sadness and anger.

I know what pp is saying about if they got back together. I have experience working with people who have been abused so I understand. But she's been working on this for 2 years and he's bought a house while you never know what wild stuff people will do I think it's extremely unlikely they would reconcile.

I also don't feel like that is their motivation from talking to them and the way the behave.
It does also make me think about our childhood and I can see lots of things which normalised his behaviour.

I'm really sorry people have similar experiences it's just baffling how people behave.

Could they just be trying to ensure his smooth exit?

I've seen before some families supporting abusive partners and treating their own kin as though they deserve it and should stay - whether it's because it's their normal for relationships and the family member breaking out of it threatens their worldview, or they're continuing their own abuse of the person by proxy, or whether it's misogyny, or some other messed up dynamic.

You would hope that families want better for their children but not always.