Secretly got married

[Mumandkids]

Hi my husband and I recently got married just us and the kids.We didn't want anyone fancy but we wanted security and stability for our children.My baby wasn't very well and nearly died not even being 7 days old.The whole situation put things into perspective and changed my entire outlook on life.The problem I have is how do I tell this to my parents who are very old fashioned and wanted nothing else but see me.in a white dress!!Especially mother whom I don't like and have not the best relationships. I'm 37 but really scared to tell her.

Do you need to tell them?

Congratulations. You've not done anything wrong, back your decision and tell her before the kids do.

If her reaction is as terrible as you fear use that as confirmation that you did the right thing by not getting into a white dress for your mothers benefit.

Congratulations on your wedding.

do you have a photo from the day you can make cards from and then send them out to friends/family to announce it?

Tell your mum somewhere public, where she is less likely to cause a scene or make you feel bad about it.

Would a small party appease her need to see you in a dress?

I didn't tell anyone I was getting married, best day of my life and still happily married 22 years later.

It's your life and nobody else's, do what you want to do and don't worry about others opinions.

I think you send her an old-fashioned letter where you explain that you didn't want anything fancy but that the issue with your youngest made you realise the importance of the security. That now it is done you intend to have a party (lunch somewhere nice?) to celebrate and you hope they will join you.

Then just brazen it out. If she doesn't like it, tough. It's your choice.

Have some solid controlled responses prepped so you don't just spew up whatever comes to mind. You met the needs and circumstances of your own child, that trumps anything and everyone in the world.

Once you stop being afraid it's the most liberating thing ever.

We are going there for Christmas but staying in separate accommodations.This one was only for us and the kids.We want to have another one with the family once our daughter is bigger and we have bought our second home.At the moment is too expensive and bigger house is our priority.

I’ve never told my mother (it’s been 27 years now!)

You can still have a ceremony

DP and I might be doing the same thing next year. I'm not planning on telling any of my family - my parents would be fuming, and I just cant be doing with the fallout. Do you really need to tell them?

And how lovely by the way! Hope you had a fabulous day 😊

Don't tell them, your going to do it again anyway, let them think that's the first time

The kids might blurt it out, and it's not fair to say to them that they can't tell anyone.

I'd go with a note about changing perspective with your baby's ill health, but just wanting a very small event with the children.

I would tell her, just matter of fact. If she kicked off, I would tell her that the white dress was her fantasy, not yours.
You got married to seal a commitment, not to show off in a posh frock ( very passive aggressive and the sort of thing I would have said to mine to get her to shut up)

My mum had a similar dream, I went along with it, really really not my style and wish we had just eloped. But that was 30+ years ago…

A big white wedding is all very well, but anyone old fashioned will have expected that to come before the children, not after.

You have made the (very sensible in my view) decision to have a small affordable wedding. Just tell them and if they complain, explain that you are saving for a bigger house and you couldn't afford to do that and to have a big wedding.

They might regret not seeing you in a wonderful romantic wedding dress but it will be hard for them to disagree with your priorities.

You don't like her - you are 37 years old and scared of telling her.

Just don't mention it. If the children bring it up you can acknowledge it, but wlk away from any aggro.

See if you can beat MarjorieDanvers' 27 year record!

My kids are 3.5 and 4 months so they don't really understand the situation.My pare ts are Eastern European so having a bit with wedding is big thing but is not for me or my husband.However I want know where the fear of telling them comes from.Thanks.

Can't understand the fear here. If they accept both of you living together unmarried given their traditional stance, I can't see how they could be annoyed at you getting married.

I'd say nothing and carry on as you are. The legal bit is done, and that's the important thing.

I don't think I'd bother with a party or celebration later either. Save the money for a nice holiday.

I get your mum might be disappointed - maybe start with that.

Mum I know you aren’t going to be happy about this ….. pause (she’ll be expecting bad news) but I got married last week and we wanted you to be the first to know - soft soak it.

Come on you’re a big girl now - you can do this!

I'd just leave it and see how long it takes her to suss. But I have a weird sense of humour so ignore me.