Don’t agree with the wedding

[CalFairy89]

My dear best friend is due to get married next year, however her DP is an arsehole.

They have children and a house and have been together a number of years. He has a drink problem, is very moody all the time and talks down to her in front of people, making out she is stupid. I also feel he is borderline controlling/selfish, he does what he wants and has hobbies, nights out every week whilst she is left with the kids.

She has complained about his behaviour for years, it often comes to a head and he says he’ll get help and go to drink/anger management but he never does! Or he’ll stop drinking for a few weeks then just carry on as before.

I’ve also found out through another friend that he has slapped her on 3 separate occasions, two of which she has never spoke to me about.

I’m bridesmaid at the wedding and I don’t condone the behaviour or think she should marry him, she can’t be happy although she portrays to outsiders she is. What do I do? I’m finding it so hard to be enthusiastic about this wedding prep and I’m so worried for her, she’s a lovely person who deserves more.

However hard you try to make her see sense, my experience is she will not listen.

If she listened, she wouldn't be marrying him.

Save your breath.

Is she doing it for what she perceives as 'security'? Will it give her access to money? The house? His pension?

I think she should marry him, then when they inevitably divorce she will be protected to some extent.

@Nanny0gg not that I’m aware of or that she’s ever mentioned. I think she is so determined to have the picture perfect family that she portrays on social media, that she is just normalising it or focusing on the occasional happy days they have. It’s very sad.

What does her family think? Especially about the domestic violence?

I think I would have to step back and say why and try and stay in her life.

@Catsfrontbum her family don’t know about it. Only a few people do.

My friend married (second marriage; already had grown up kids) a complete moron for a house. Now she’s stuck with him or will have to share half. She asks no advice of friends. She just ploughs on and papers over the cracks. There really isn’t anything anyone can do. If your friend is determined to do this then she will marry him

I’ve been there to an extent - the now husband hasn’t been violent as far as I am aware but he is very controlling and selfish and has already successfully isolated her from friends and family geographically. Our friends all agree that there is something about him that frightens us.

Unfortunately there is nothing we can do. We all stood and smiled through her wedding day, put up with his awful rude friends and wished them well. We want to be able to support her should our fears be realised, and don’t want to isolate her further.

I would not be getting involved in this wedding. Make it clear that this is out of love for her, that you will always support her and her children but you cannot support this car crash of a relationship. Let her know that you will be there for her when it all goes tits up in a few years time.

I know. I’m in two minds of what the best thing to do is, I feel like I can’t dismiss the recent violence and have to voice my thoughts on that. But then do I just let her go along with it without my support which she’ll need. I’m heavily pregnant at the moment and feel even more stressed.

I don't know. Perhaps say to her that you're worried about her, that she can still change her mind about marrying him, and advise her to speak to Women's Aid?

I don't suppose it'll go down well, but at the same time, it seems wrong not to say something.

I would have an honest and compassionate conversation with her.

I have to step back from this wedding as I cannot in good conscience support you marrying x. I know this hurts you and I am very sorry for that. I love you and will always support you as an individual.

then wait for her to either ask you questions. Don’t offer your opinion on the bloke unless she specifically asks.

I'd step back from the wedding. 'I love you but I don't support you marrying a domestic abuser'.

I'd probably tell her family too. Though this will likely end the friendship.