Help me to have a word with myself!!

[Rocket123]

I split from kids dad 18 months ago and 3 weeks ago I moved into a new house just me and the kids. Straight away I had a builder start taking out the kitchen and making a kitchen diner area. This builder is so thoughtful, helpful, interesting, and capable and he’s been in my house almost every day since I moved in. If I need help with anything he’ll always offer, he’s an all around nice guy. And he’s married.

The job is nearly finished and I feel honestly heart broken. My ex would let me struggle and never look after me, and I’ve felt so good having the builder’s presence, I’ve felt like someone cares even though it’s obviously not in that way. But I keep feeling like I want to cry because I’ll miss having that presence and it is a lovely feeling.

I’m 39 years old and I’m feeling like I’ll never have a relationship with someone like that, it’s almost painful to see a tiny bit of what it might be like to be with a man who genuinely cares and is thoughtful. And I might never have it now. I just can’t shake the sadness! And I don’t want the building work to end. Although I know that’s crazy and I’ve hopefully not let on to him!! He just said he’ll not be coming tomorrow and I’ve come upstairs to just be sad for a minute.

If he is nice, personable and not bad looking chances are there are plenty customers like yourself, having a soft spot for him and he might enjoy a bit of attention but then he's back home with his wife. Why would you never meet a nice a person? Try online dating like everyone else

Oh I feel for you. Have you tried any dating yet? If not then perhaps this is a sign that maybe you're ready to start thinking about it?

You're only 39, I am certain you'll be able to find someone just as lovely as your builder.

Good point about it not being personal to me - I’ve seen him being really personable and jokey even with delivery men! But I can’t help wanting more of it for myself and it’s messing with my head!

No I’ve not tried dating yet - I think maybe I’m starting to feel like I’m ready for that but I don’t have any nights off the kids so I’ve got limited time! And I’m not sure I’ve got the resilience for online dating. I’ve never done it but heard it’s hard work! Right now I just hope to meet a single version of him!

It’s natural to see the good qualities you’ve been missing and wonder what life would be like with someone like that. Good news is there will be loads of men just like him on OLD sites! (Many of them probably married too, but we won’t dwell on those!)

Accept your feelings for what they are - a way of transferring your romantic associations with men onto someone new, who isn’t your ex. That’s a great first step.

You’ve identified some qualities you’d like in a new man, supportive, practical and helpful. Give yourself a bit of time and then maybe try a dating site. They can be hard work but also seem to be the most direct way for most of us to meet someone these days. FWIW I’ve been on a few and never had any bad experiences or dick pics etc, just met quite a few lovely guys, some of whom I clicked with and some I didn’t.

I haven’t met ‘the one’ yet but I’ve had fun trying, along with a few tears when someone has ghosted me etc, but that’s on me for putting energy and attention into someone too soon, so it’s been a good lesson too.

Go easy on yourself, it’s a huge shift becoming single and dealing with the end of a major relationship and the potential starts of new ones. Give yourself all the love and care you wish that someone else would give to you, date yourself, take yourself out for nice meals and experiences, buy yourself little gifts or flowers, basically be the GF you want to be and the BF you’re looking for. Then when he comes along you don’t need him, because you’ve got you, so you can just enjoy him for what he is.

Looks like you are slowly discovering you are ready for dating and have identified qualities you like in a partner. Have a friend create a dating profile for you and have fun with it. Avoid Plenty of Fish. Good luck!

@Rocket123

This builder is so thoughtful, helpful, interesting,

I bet he is! I expect he can see a nice little arrangement brewing, plus some paid building work too... My cousin is like that, mixes business with pleasure. Seems to work out OK for him. His wife left him 5 years ago though.

I think a lot of builders, plumbers, electricians are like that and a single mum or bored wife can be a willing participant. You get to spend few hours chatting and maybe flirting, you get to show off your skill and helpful side. But to be fair some people interpret kindness and politeness as a sign of a person being interested with them.

It simply means you're ready to start dating again. The builder is a nice personable man with everyone and there are plenty of men like him around.

@Rocket123 Maybe you could ask the builder (perhaps in a lighthearted jokey way) whether he knows any nice single men because you wouldn't mind being set up on a date? I think that thoughtful men are sometimes friends with other thoughtful men (and jerk men are sometimes friends with other jerk men) so he might know other men like him and maybe they aren't all already taken. I don't know whether it might seem to tricky or weird to work this into a conversation though!

I'm not necessarily saying there's anything wrong with that sort of thing. My cousin does have a bad back, he told me.

Thanks for the replies! I’ve still felt weirdly teary all day but keep reading all the lovely messages! I think perhaps you’re right and builders etc do this all the time. I’ve just been strong and independent since well before my husband left and learnt to not need anything, I thought I was fine alone but now I feel like I’ve realised I’m really not. I crave the comfort of a loving partner. I thought all I needed was the kids but now I feel like I want a kind and supportive man as well.
It feels a bit like dating is not fair on the kids though, if it might take my attention away from them a bit.