Decision needed - help me work out what I need to do ...

[blued82]

I'm going to try and keep this brief but basically I need to decide whether to stick with my husband of 20 years or call time on our relationship. This isn't something that I can discuss with people IRL and I just keep going around in circles.

So the history - over the course of our relationship he has done a number of things that have been dishonest and broken my trust. On more than one occasion I have discovered that he's used online sex chat (once found a secret phone he was using for this) - I find this revolting and hugely disrespectful. He also ran up debt and took out a secret loan that I only discovered when we went to the bank together and saw the account on the cashiers screen. There have been 4 or 5 situations like this over the course of our relationship. I have always forgiven him and we've moved on but I never fully relax or trust him and always feel like I'm waiting for the next thing to happen.

But, when I can put this stuff aside, he is a really lovely bloke. We've got 4 children and he's a brilliant dad, we work really well as a team and have had a largely lovely life over the years. Thinking of a life without him in it really makes me sad but I don't know if I can live the rest of our marriage never fully trusting him.

I'm so worried about making the wrong decision - if we split will I look back and regret my decision (not sure if I can face being single) or if we stay together when the kids leave home and it's just us and I'm still worried he's going to mess up again will that make me sadder??

Sorry - not that brief - just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar? I've started therapy for myself to try and explore some of my feelings - not against couple therapy but not sure if that will help that much?!!?

What you are feeling is resentment, along with the fact that you don’t trust him.
It’s not the basis for a good relationship. You might regret leaving him, but in years to come you might regret staying.

So he is a liar and a cheat but apart from that he is lovely. Jesus, woman how low is your bar. Here is the advice : assuming 82 is your birth year you are still young and can be happy, build your life back up. Or you can stay and find out randomly about another loan or an affair

I understand what you are saying, I also don’t trust my DH due to constant little lies. (Personally I’d have gone after the sex chat)
But where you say that you are always waiting for the next thing to happen, I get that. That’s me. But I keep moving the goal posts, so he keeps getting away with it. And while we let them get away with it, they will keep doing it.

He isn't a lovely bloke though, is he? He has lied to you on several occasions. About really major things. And these are just the ones that you know about. God knows what else he's done that you haven't discovered.

You have one life OP. One beautiful and brilliant live. Are you going to waste the rest of it on him?

There will always be a next time with him because he knows you'll forgive him as you've always done. (I'm not judging you as I've been in the same position.)
He's not a lovely man or a good father, he has put your marriage in danger and could have got you into a lot of trouble financially. Good men and fathers don't do things like that.
He has no respect for you. What if the next thing is he has an affair and runs off with her? You'll be single then anyway, so may as well cut your losses now.

I actually think the financial betrayal is actually worse. The resentment it caused me to have was one of the main reason i ended marriage. At least if the fucker is on sex chats you can still pay your bills and keep a roof over your kids heads, the financial uncertainty is frightening 🫣

Thanks for those replies - I don't feel like I can chat about this with anyone in real life at the moment and so to hear other perspectives has opened my eyes. I did say to him that I wish I had walked away after the first time but I didn't and now so many years have gone by it just feels so hard. Resentment is exactly it - he will never know how this has made me feel (or how it feels to not trust someone) and I am angry that he gets to live a life that doesn't have that in it. God what a mess!

yeah been there, all pretty similar stuff plus alcohol addiction. should have left dh years ago, but didn't due to my own mental health issues.

He got Sober 7 years ago, and has been Peter perfect since. I do trust him again, he's lovely again......
but I still feel resentment, not all the time but often it pops up, and wish I'd walked away. Now if I do it would feel wrong, because now he doesn't do anything wrong, is lovely, adores me, looks after me, and I'm all he's got. I love him, I care for him, I don't want to hurt him. but God sometimes I wish I wasn't with him, because I still feel resentment and often wonder what life would have been like if I'd not been zone out AD and had the energy to leave when it was all happening.

my advice is if he is still untrustworthy and hasn't made big changes like given up the alcohol. Then.leave.now. lifes too short.

I have found in life that often when you can’t make your mind up, circumstances change and the decision is made for you.

At present you have the distrust on one side and the good dad on the other and at present it’s like a see saw that’s equally balanced. It would probably take something like him breaking your trust again or the children growing older and moving out, so his ‘good dad’ qualities lessen and tip the seesaw. I don’t include the ‘he’s a really lovely bloke’, because he’s not. Lovely blokes don’t go on sex lines or run up secret debts. So the good dad is the only thing in his favour.

At the same time he can’t undo the things he did that broke the trust. In your situation you need to make sure that things are in place that means he can’t do these things again, even if it means you take control of all the finances, so that he can’t spend money without you knowing about it.

You don’t need to make the decision today, or even this year, but you should prepare in case the decision to leave comes suddenly.

Look at wikivorce, check all finances, even speak to a solicitor. Prepare, prepare, prepare. You may find you can stick with it, or you may find that as your children get older and lead their own lives, the thought of just being the two of you sticks in your throat.

I spent 10 years unhappy. I finally took the plunge when it became too, too much for me. By then I already knew I could leave the marriage and have enough to live on. That was a big big help.