Hi,
I don't really have anyone to talk this through with and I'm not sure why I'm so preoccupied with the issue, but a friend (N) of over 20 years has, I think, behaved quite poorly towards me recently and it's making me question the entire friendship and what I should do about it.
We were part of a larger group of 6 female friends, one is my sister another I've know for over 30 years. But I'm starting to think the whole group was toxic and feel a bit of a mug.
As background there was a fall out 2 years ago that didn't involve me which has lead to the group disintegrating. But the friend I'm now referring to has contacted me since. There's been no mention of the falling out or other ex-friends.
This friend and I became close after I moved home from working abroad. We were all single 20 somethings but have obviously seen each other through most of life’s ups and downs by this point. A few years after I got to know N she got pregnant to a guy she was in a casual relationship with. He made it clear he wanted nothing more and didn't want to be involved with the baby. She had the baby anyway and others in the group made a big fuss about how we'd all pitch in. (N came to my home town for uni and never went back so doesn't have family close by). None of the others ever did do much to help.
By now I was studying in a city 40 miles away but came home at weekends to sit in with her and watch movies and drink wine, look after her daughter the next day while she did chores. Not every weekend but usually at least every other for a couple of years. Beyond that because she didn't drive I'd often give her and her daughter lifts and do occasional babysitting so she could go out. I think I was a good friend. I always bought birthday and Christmas presents and Easter egg etc for her daughter who i had a lovely relationship with. I remained single ( not completely but not in anything really serious) longer than other members of the group. N used to refer to me as her 'wife' I suppose as a reflection of how much I supported her. It was friendship to be clear!
Fast forward and I now have a 2 year old, a husband and a good job, my life took a long time to come together but now it finally has, I appreciate it all the more. However the last time I saw my friend was 2 years ago (the day the fallout happened with the others, after I'd gone home with the baby) and she's only met my son twice. She doesn't send him a birthday card or even ask after him. She brushed me off about meeting up in the summer. She'd contacted me first, as a long shot to go to an event someone else had cancelled on, which I couldn't do and I said we'd hopefully meet up in the summer holidays (she works in a school). She listed all the things she had going on and said she'd try, so I was at the very bottom of her pile of priorities, obviously. She didn't get in touch until before half term to ask if I'd like to meet up. I gave availability and she didn't reply. I accidentally pocket called her, no idea why her as we never talk on the phone, but she sent a message the day after to say she'd been very busy ( aren't we all?) But she'd catch up with me at the weekend which I presumed was to plan for meeting up. She didn't contact me when she said she would, the day I'd said I had free came and went and the week was drawing on and I'd not had a message to explain, apologies, or reschedule. I know she can be like an ostrich and ignore things but I think it's really rude. I've not called her out on it previously and I was still giving her the benefit of the doubt but I could see she'd been on messenger loads ( OK maybe there's a crisis and that's how she's communicating?) But I could see she'd posted stuff that was fairly ordinary on fb and replied to messages...so not really any excuse for not taking 30 seconds to send a message to say I'm sorry, something has come up I can't make it. I sent her a message to ask how she was and say 'you didn't get back to me about meeting up so I hope everything is OK?' She's seen the message, been on the app loads and not replied, that was 3 days ago and I know she won't.
I feel angry that a friend of such long standing had treated my time and friendship as not being valuable. I feel angry that I bothered replying in the first place as after 2 years of her being rubbish (just when I'd had my son!) I'd kind of gone through all this and thought I'd just leave her to it. I know you don't give to receive etc but I value loyalty in friendship and I was there for her when she really needed it. When I look at it it seems she took an awful lot but didn't give much back. It's only now I'm thinking this as she'd always been portrayed as the kind, caring, almost mother figure of the group. But looking closer it seems like she was selfish, demanding and now, childish in how she's behaving towards my attempt to communicate. I feel a mug for trying to salvage a friendship which, from here looking back, seemed quite one sided anyway. I guess I'm angry at myself for not realising earlier that it wasn't on an even keel. She now has a new group of friends who she's apparently known for years. I don’t recognise any of them which speaks volumes about where they were when she wad a struggling single parent. She goes out loads as her daughter is now 20 and has left home. I sometimes 'forgive' her in my own mind because we're at really different life stages. But then I remember we were at really different life stages when she was a single mum and I was a footloose student, but I still turned up for her.
I suppose we don't expect to feel as upset or angry about the break down of a friendship as we do about romantic relationships but after more than 20 years I do feel hurt, upset, used, angry etc. I don't even really know why I'm putting this here, I think just need to get it off my chest! So, thanks for letting me, mumsnet.