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Original poster

Friendships and ghosting

57 replies

boilinthebag · 05/11/2023 19:22

I need advice! I have recently had the unpleasant experience of being ghosted by my erstwhile best friend. It has been painful. I'm not a spring chicken! We had been besties for about 38 years, holidays with our same-age kids who are now in their twenties, phone calls several times a week, kept each other going during lockdown, trips together for walks/gardening/with our ageing mothers/just chilling together and sharing our thoughts and emotions. Early in the year (2023), I was in a deep depression due to family issues and I found her not very supportive and I made the mistake of saying so. After this - growing coldness. About 6 months ago she just blocked me on Whatsapp and stopped replying to my messages (which were not in the least about that issue as I had recovered and was back to my usual optimistic self. We had had lots of fun outings and chats in the interim.). So I emailed her today asking what had I said or done to be ghosted. And her reply was "Hi! If you would like to meet up for a light-hearted and cheerful chat then that's fine."
WTF?
She has blocked me and ghosted me and that is her answer. I am tempted to reply saying 'No thanks. Have a nice life.'
I can't believe that after all these years she cares so little. We knew each others' mothers. We went to each others' parents' funerals. We shared mutual parties for our kids. I listened on the phone every time she was in distress about her family and their attitudes towards her. She cried in my living room when she was dumped. I visited her in hospital when she was in for a breast cancer op. when her mum couldn't go.
I just can't believe it.
I suppose I'm best to leave it all alone now. But i do miss her and I feel lonely and rejected and sad.

OP posts:
Purplecatshopaholic · 05/11/2023 19:28

I’m so sorry op, that’s rough. Obvs she will another another view on things. You could maybe leave things for a while then try to reconnect, but maybe you don’t/wont want to. You have known each other so long though, seems a real shame to leave things as they are.

Ilovelurchers · 05/11/2023 19:34

Sorry to hear this OP. I too in my long life have been ghosted by friends once or twice - once quite recently. I agree it does hurt, especially as it is SO ridiculously spiteful and dramatic! If you feel a friendship has run its course, it's easy enough to reply less often, not push meet ups, just let it lapse gently.... But blocking you - it's just so silly!

I think really the best thing you can do is forget about her and focus on other friendships - she has shown you who she is. I know you thought you knew her - but we never really fully know anybody or what they are capable of, except ourselves.

PierceMorgansChin · 05/11/2023 19:41

She mentioned 'light hearted' and 'cheerful ' chat so clearly she does not want to deal with your resentment and frustration. Maybe she felt like you were being negative and overbearing and you were bringing her mood down. Maybe she wants to be fair weather friend. If I were you I wouldn't have bothered rekindling that friendship

jenny38 · 05/11/2023 19:51

I'm in a similar situation, although the friendship was 14 years. It hurts so much doesn't it. I think her reply is giving you your answer, ftom this I would gather that she was, rightly or wrong ly, frustrated about supporting you. I think your opinion that she was not particularly supportive probably differs from hers. As for going forward, only you can make that decision. I feel that in your shoes I might go, but might regret doing so.
I sometimes think about contacting my friend, but then I don't think I could trust her again. It's a heartbreaking situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.

DoggoChange · 05/11/2023 19:55

Don't you want to know WHY?

I'd have to go to find out.

Original poster
boilinthebag · 05/11/2023 20:16

jenny38 · 05/11/2023 19:51

I'm in a similar situation, although the friendship was 14 years. It hurts so much doesn't it. I think her reply is giving you your answer, ftom this I would gather that she was, rightly or wrong ly, frustrated about supporting you. I think your opinion that she was not particularly supportive probably differs from hers. As for going forward, only you can make that decision. I feel that in your shoes I might go, but might regret doing so.
I sometimes think about contacting my friend, but then I don't think I could trust her again. It's a heartbreaking situation and I'm sorry you are going through it.

Hi jenny38, I'm not sure how this works. Is this a reply to you? I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. It makes you question everything doesn't it. As you say, I could not trust her again as it came so out of the blue and I don't understand at all. But I also now do not trust myself and my own judgement. I'm just at sea. Not a nice place to be. I hope you find some peace with the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
boilinthebag · 05/11/2023 20:19

DoggoChange · 05/11/2023 19:55

Don't you want to know WHY?

I'd have to go to find out.

Yes.but I have asked her and that was the answer. Also, once before I wanted to talk about her growing coldness and her response was 'I don't think it is a good idea to talk about these things.' So ... useless to continue I think.

OP posts:
Neodymium · 05/11/2023 20:25

A similar thing happened to 2 friends that I knew. Super close since high school, and then one ghosted the other. The ghosted friend was devastated and tried to reach out but was rebuffed. Then about a year later the ghostee tried contacting her saying she was ‘ready to talk again’. The ghosted friend wasn’t interested at that stage, she’d grieved the friendship and moved on. I think that’s what you need to do. Just treat it like a loss and then move on with your life.

Pinkbonbon · 05/11/2023 20:25

Basically shes telling you she isn't interested in being emotional support.

Now I don't know how your depression affected the friendship...it could be that she felt it was spreading to her and for her own emotional wellbeing, she cut you off.

Or it could be that she's just the sort of person who isn't really a friend. Who is only around when the going is good. Have there been signs of that before?

Perhaps you were too caught up in your illness to see you were taking too much though.

I think however,her email is cheeky and unfair. If she wanted to put the distance in because she felt your negativity was too much to handle, fine. But telling you to essentially cheer up and not hold her accountable for her ghosting if you want to be friends again? Not ok. And that's what her message says imo.

I'd call this relationship a day.

Olika · 05/11/2023 20:29

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who doesn't want to be there with me when life is challenging.

gettingolderbutcooler · 05/11/2023 20:32

😢
I know how you feel.

anotherdisaster · 05/11/2023 20:32

I'm so sorry to hear this. It really is upsetting when its someone who is practically family for that long. I think its a shame when good friends can't just communicate about what the issue is. I do feel as though she blocked you as a statement. She could have just either ignored you, or slowly stepped back from you but she clearly wanted you to know she was not happy with you. This is a bit toxic if you ask me. I can also guarantee that she does not see her level of support the same way you do. I have a good friend who had a breakup and she also had a breakdown at the same time, she practically moved into my house because she couldn't bear to be alone and I was fully supportive of her even though I had recently split from the father of my kids (so had my own stuff going on). She wasn't really there for me when I had my bad breakup but she will actually say to my face "we've both been there for each other" - and that isn't true at all, but think she genuinely believes that.

RainbowUtensils · 05/11/2023 20:38

Happened to me too - no idea why I was blocked by my supposed best friend, and it's made me sadly reflect that she wasn't the person I thought she was, or that she changed into someone far colder than I ever thought she could be.

I think you need to leave this friendship behind. You're not going to get closure from seeing her by the sounds of it, and it will never be the same again.

LindorDoubleChoc · 05/11/2023 20:47

She has been honest with you. She doesn't want to hear about your depression. The ball's in your court now.

Newgirls · 05/11/2023 20:54

She has told you what she thinks - that she prefers to spend time on lighter stuff

maybe she is at capacity and can’t handle other peoples problems - it has been a rough few years for everyone and maybe she wants friends to have fun with rather than talk about heavier topics

friends to have fun with are valuable too - shame to lose this one

Blinkityblonk · 05/11/2023 20:56

I think she has told you the answer, but it must feel very unfair after all the life's ups and downs you have been through and the times you have supported her, visited her in the hospital and so on. It is what it is though. You can't make her feel differently or see things differently now. She may have some idea of dropping people who are dragging her down, she may want to move on for some reason you simply don't know- it doesn't have to be rational from your perspective but it clearly is from hers.

Sad to end this way but I wouldn't persist now. Who wants to be told to be cheery and upbeat all the time? That's not how I approach deeper and long-lasting friends or they me, we turn up and however we are, that's how we are. Being artificial is the last thing you should need to be.

I'm sorry op, but I think it is time to look back at the good times and move on, you sound like a good loyal friend, so I'd move forward with the people who do want to hang out with you.

Blinkityblonk · 05/11/2023 21:00

I wouldn't want to go out with a friend that wanted 'fun'- my friends are fun, have a lot of laughs, are a bit silly, but we also can tell each other difficult things as well, or perhaps just something we are chatting about gets a bit upsetting every now and again, not often but I wouldn't want to go out on the condition I only kept to light and fun topics. That's restrictive to me and is also pointed towards the OP- you were depressed, please don't be in the future. Who has time for that crap at this time of life?

NoNotMyHair · 05/11/2023 21:03

I would suggest that she maybe felt too put upon by you earlier, that you were consumed by your own woes and maybe didn't give her any opportunity to talk about herself and her life? I have removed people who are constantly negative and brought me down and pissed me off as life is too short for that.

Amy8 · 05/11/2023 21:05

boilinthebag · 05/11/2023 19:22

I need advice! I have recently had the unpleasant experience of being ghosted by my erstwhile best friend. It has been painful. I'm not a spring chicken! We had been besties for about 38 years, holidays with our same-age kids who are now in their twenties, phone calls several times a week, kept each other going during lockdown, trips together for walks/gardening/with our ageing mothers/just chilling together and sharing our thoughts and emotions. Early in the year (2023), I was in a deep depression due to family issues and I found her not very supportive and I made the mistake of saying so. After this - growing coldness. About 6 months ago she just blocked me on Whatsapp and stopped replying to my messages (which were not in the least about that issue as I had recovered and was back to my usual optimistic self. We had had lots of fun outings and chats in the interim.). So I emailed her today asking what had I said or done to be ghosted. And her reply was "Hi! If you would like to meet up for a light-hearted and cheerful chat then that's fine."
WTF?
She has blocked me and ghosted me and that is her answer. I am tempted to reply saying 'No thanks. Have a nice life.'
I can't believe that after all these years she cares so little. We knew each others' mothers. We went to each others' parents' funerals. We shared mutual parties for our kids. I listened on the phone every time she was in distress about her family and their attitudes towards her. She cried in my living room when she was dumped. I visited her in hospital when she was in for a breast cancer op. when her mum couldn't go.
I just can't believe it.
I suppose I'm best to leave it all alone now. But i do miss her and I feel lonely and rejected and sad.

I'm so sorry
It's so painful

My best friend did this to me after I was widowed because I moved on
In her view too quickly

I was still grieving and tbh it was nearly as traumatic as the loss itself which sounds crazy

I tried reaching out years later but she never answered a call or email

Amy8 · 05/11/2023 21:07

My advice is don't try reaching out
It's her NOT you

That helped me

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 05/11/2023 21:07

So sorry to read this. My bestie of 38 years went funny with me over Covid and said because I wouldn't watch her videos I wasn't interested in her life so why should she be interested in mine. This was where I couldn't just say can we agree to disagree she would prepare questions to check I'd watch them, blamed me for lockdowns but our other friend who had done the same things didn't get dumped. It was horrendous tbh. She was my bridesmaid (meant to be moh but did nothing in the run up). We were still friends on SM but she didn't acknowledge anything. Not even my DD's birthday so I blocked her in the end. I'm not sure why these things happen but it's awful when they do

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 05/11/2023 21:10

Oh yeah and the final straw was after my dad who died in a care home not understanding why we couldn't come to see him (lockdown 1). She said to me why haven't you seen your mum (lockdown 2) are you 'keeping her safe'. Imagine if your mum died and you hadn't seen her because you were 'keeping her safe'. I couldn't understand what made her turn into someone I didn't recognise

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 05/11/2023 22:02

I don't know, I think at the is age it is so hard to make new friends that I'd probably go but in my mind I'd relegate her to "friendly acquaintance" who I didn't share personal things with, enjoyed occasional social outings with, and no fucking way would I be there to support her EVER again.

And if she tried get my support I'd reply with "I agree with you, that it's not a good idea to talk about these things". If she persisted I'd remember a sudden urgent job I needed to do which I couldn't believe I had forgotten all about and call short the coffee (or whatever).

But I would also work on developing new better friends. It's surprising sometimes who steps up. Did any of your "not as close" friends show support during your difficult period? Reach out to them to thank them and to catch up. These "there in the difficult times friends" are the friendships you want to hold onto and grow.

Blinkityblonk · 05/11/2023 22:05

Lots of women over a certain age are wanting to make new friendships as they are widowed, divorced, want to get out of the house now the kids are off at uni and so on. It's quite a sociable scene if you want to get into it- choirs, walking groups, book clubs, WI and so on. I don't think you will necessarily immediately make those close friends, but this friend only wants upbeat cheerful conversations and you will certainly get some of those with other people who won't make you feel bad about yourself either.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 06/11/2023 08:02

Maybe how you were made her feel bad and low

its not fair but I’d say if she’s totally disappeared and then replied with that comment….

there is a possibility that your depression really impacted her and she doesn’t want that in her life

life and middle age and covid has really impacted people
it sounds like she wasn’t able to cope with your dip and issues as it triggered her in some way

I’ve sadly done with with some friends too
they made me feel bad , when I felt bad already