Feeling resentment towards your husband.

[LovelyNanny26]

Hello.
I really feel huge amount of resentment towards my husband after our second baby was born.He seems to have everything well paid job, he goes out with friends and I don't seem to have anything.I can't really find a job that will pay equality apart from working nights at the supermarket. I love my children dearly but sometimes I wish my life was different.My baby wasn't very well she nearly died from sepsis that also contributed to my current situation.I'm 37 next week and I don't feel equal to my partner.

Why don't you have anytime to yourself? Could you start with that? Go to an exercise class one evening and meet a friend for a coffee at the weekend?

Then perhaps look for a job you would enjoy?

I'm exclusively breastfeeding at the moment including nights.Job wise you can't really find anything that won't involve paying shit loads in Childcare.

I understand, it's so hard. Remember it is both of you paying for childcare though so once you aren't breastfeeding going back to work might help you feel like you have a life. Even a part time job will give you interaction with other people and a break from being mum. Could you try combi feeding so you can get some time out? How old is your youngest?

It’s hard to comment without knowing more about your setup and situation.
Is your H not treating you as equal? Does
he consider your money separate? Why can’t you go out with your friends??

As to the kind of jobs you can get - is the barrier your education/training or your need to have part time and flexible position?

Thank you.She just turned 4 months.

Your husband should pay at least half of the childcare costs if you go back to work, in the same ratio that you earn.

I completely understand OP. And frankly, men and women don’t have an equal experience of early parenthood.
I wasn’t breastfeeding, but I was on maternity leave, and DH was working long hours. So I felt alone, was left with all of the household responsibilities, and missed being involved in other things. You’re not alone, and don’t have to justify your experience - lots of us feel the same. I became depressed for the last 3 months of mat leave, there just wasn’t enough to occupy my mind.

I am a teacher, and have just returned full time to work, DD is 10 months. It doesn’t pay equally to my husband, but even after a week, already I feel equal again. I am so much better mentally being back at work. They’re only short days though, and DD has a fantastic nanny rather than nursery, which has made for a very smooth transition.

Hang in there, think about your options, and reach out to other mums and family members for company and help.

Thank you most of the time I feel like a mental case.First time around it felt OK (maybe because it was lockdown).Second time round I feel completely excluded and unhappy most if the time.

@LovelyNanny26
Even if you have to pay most of what you earn, working would probably be best for your mental health and self esteem. Additionally, your husband should share the cost of child care.

I went back to work pt each time when mine were four months. DH shared the childcare costs (proportionate to income, so he paid more) as I instantly felt 100% better. It redressed the power balance.
Twenty years on, never a single regret and my pension looks great.

I mean this in the best possible way - Why should you sacrifice your career path/money earning abilities to save on childcare cost? Why does your husband assume it will have to be you and not him? You say you are breastfeeding, you can express and freeze in the fridge.
If you want to start earning more, unfortunately you will have to accept the fact that you will have to pay childcare cost and possibly break even each month ( the sad reality of childcare costs in this country), but this will be shared between the two of you. It's only for a few years but it will give you the foundation for more earnings in the future.

What did you do for work before children? Do you have any qualifications? Maybe you could use the time to study, so that you will be able to improve your job prospects.

I was working in Childcare beforehand and I definitely know how in need of improvement and broken the childcare industry is.I also have a BA from the Open University (completed during lockdown).

I'd go further and say that not only should uour husband be paying proportionate childcare costs but he should also be taking on his share of the logistics, pick ups and drop offs as well as sharing responsibility when your children are ill. Your job shouldn't fit in with him, you should be both be working with each other. Also claim your leisure time! Go out wherever and leave him to completely look after the kids (once this is possibly). He is also their parent and can and should be able to look after them by himself.

Looking back (my children are teenagers now) i found the baby / toddler years really hard; It's relentless at times and it used to really annoy me at times the big disparity between my husband and I when it came to the kids (like you say I had to be the one breastfeeding).

I think you're in the thick of it with your baby being so young, I would probably think about researching jobs and making a plan, I remember going back to work after my first child and just being able to go pee without a child being there was amazing !!

Honestly the civil service is good, the flexi time and work life balance is really great, with your experience I would look into this.

Good luck, you are not alone, I felt exactly the same, also got to remember you've gone through alot of change with the pregnancy , birth, sleep deprivation continuous demands of breastfeeding , it shows you are amazing and strong and you also need time for yourself just like your partners has x