Did I jump the gun?

[ComfortablyNumbed]

I started seeing someone earlier on this year who was pretty much, on paper, perfect for me. Similar family backgrounds, common interests, same sense of humour. He was attractive, intelligent, and kind. We both have children and both agreed they were absolutely our priority. All good.

I'd been in an abusive relationship for a decade prior to this one, and made it clear from the start of this new thing that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship that didn't make me 100% happy. One of the major issues from the previous relationship was not being prioritised (in that case, it was alcohol and drugs that got the upper hand).

Ex DP has an extremely stressful job, a difficult ex with whom he co-parents, and has spent much of this year awaiting a diagnosis for a potentially life-changing medical condition.

I have also had an extremely challenging year, with workplace issue, bereavements and financial challenges all conspiring to make me very stressed and unhappy. I don't think I had realised until very recently how much these events had accumulatively affected me.

I could see exDP starting to pull away: cancelled dates, dropped calls, and I decided, perhaps abruptly, to call time on the relationship. He agreed with this, telling me he had nothing spare in the tank basically. I tried to maintain a friendship after this, because we'd been friends previously, and he has been resistant to that. I've now backed away entirely.

I'm so fucking sad about the whole thing. He was just so lovely, and the time we spent together was how I'd always imagined relationships could be. I know it was for the best for both of us (probably right person, wrong time), but I find myself wondering whether I pulled the plug too soon.

That's really sad. Could you arrange to meet up with him to talk about things?

I've made multiple attempts to reach out. He reads the message and doesn't reply. I've recently left a group chat we were in with friends as he's reading all our messages but not engaging with any of it: knowing that he was reading my interactions with our friends but not replying to me was too much to bear.

It sounds as if he would have ended the relationship if you hadn't. He had started to pull away already.

Give it a few weeks, then contact him for a coffee and a chat.

Not worth it. He isn't interested as if he was he would make it happen. I think he would have ended it if you hadn't got there first. I know it's hard and sucks at the moment but you shouldn't try to convince anybody to be with you.

Thanks @MaliciaKeys. That's kinda where I was with it all. I know he's got a lot on his plate, he's had an awful year. I think the issue is I'm not used to maintaining boundaries and when I did, I felt really bad about it.

@Olika That's exactly what I'd be telling a friend! Thank you, I agree wholeheartedly.

I'm assuming by 'ex dp' you mean the guy you have been seeing this year? How long were you actually dating?

What do you mean, pulled the plug too soon? He said no to remaining friends. What else could you do? Stalk him?

Sounds like you were still probably in the honeymoon phase before he backed off. There's nothing to say it would have remained a good relationship if it continued. He probably got out at the right time, at least this way its a good relationship memory.

What's that saying...'don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened'.

Now you know there are nice people out there. You'll find another relationship that's nice. And works for both of you. Let this one go, and let it be a bittersweet memory.

No he wasn't that into you. He's made that clear.

Move on when you're ready.

I don’t want to be unkind but it is clear that your ex DP had decided to end the relationship, and your reaction was simply a natural reaction to someone exhibiting the usual behaviour preceding a break up.

I don't think you jumped the gun - far better to end it than let it drag on. You got it right.

You did the right thing, the alternative was hanging around while he kept flaking on you.

I teach my kids 'If he wanted to, he would'. He clearly doesn't want to. It sucks, I'm sorry

Thank you all. You're all right. I'll look forward to looking back on this next year and laughing at it.

You didn't jump the gun. He wasn't meeting your needs, so the relationship ended.

The fact that it hurts doesn't mean it's a bad decision. It just means you're tough enough to have made a hard decision. Stay tough. This 'boundaried' you is the you that will make you happy, ultimately. Never forget that you rock!

Thank you @Watchkeys! I think the bit that really got me was when he said he would "get in touch when I'm on the other side of all this". That was for friendship, but I thought wow, that's a lot to ask.

We'd known each other quite well for a few years beforehand so I though I had a decent measure of him and I think, had this year not been an enormous shit show, we might've got a bit further down the road together. But even then, if this is how he handles stress, I guess I got out at the right time.

It wasn’t working op and it was a relationship that only lasted a few months, I mean this gently but he wasn’t your partner. He was a boyfriend. And quite a short term one in the big scheme of things. He was already pulling out of the relationship. Don’t feel bad, it just was not working.

@Cosywintertime Oh absolutely, we were together 6 months all in - I used the term partner simply because, as a middle aged woman, the term boyfriend slightly gives me the ick. 😂

Was it your first relationship after exh and his after exw? If so they often don’t work out.

@Huntre It was mine, but not his - he'd had a relationship previously, but that had ended well before him and I got together.

Think of it as practice for a better one for you. These post divorce first relationship break ups can hurt like hell but they are fairly common.

@Huntre It has made me reflect a lot on what I expect and want from relationships, so on that basis I hope the next one (if and when it happens!) builds on what I've learned here.