Feeling alone with newborn

[Sunnylove22]

I am on maternity leave with dc3 he is 2 months old. I have told DH that I am feeling quite lonely (to be fair I am busy just lacking some adult conversation) DH comes home from work and doesn’t talk to me - says he’s tired, plays on his phone and doesn’t listen or retain information I say. I got really upset about it last week and told him that I felt lonely and not listened to.

For context DC1 and 2 are 9 and 7 and have a different dad who they see. However they spend the majority of time with us. DH and I have been together 3 years.

This is our first weekend without the big kids so we went out for dinner and a quick drink with friends (with dc3). DH told me on Friday night that he is fed up with our life and the constant taking kids to activities and general busyness and only sitting down at 9pm then one of us falling asleep.

All weekend he’s ignored me, I’ve asked him if he’s okay and the response is ‘just tired’. He’s sat in a separate space to me all
weekend and just taken dc3 for an hour each day.

I’m feeling really upset, I know our relationship is a bit strained but I’m
honestly hurt with the silent treatment and not wanting to spend time together on the weekend when I’ve explicitly said I’m lonely and want some interaction with him on an evening.

I had PND with dc1 and 2 and feel like I’m going that way now. DH knows I struggled and I feel really let down.

I really don’t feel like talking to him now and the weekend has been completely wasted. I don’t know how to resolve this.

Has anybody been through something similar and how did you come out the other end? I know we love each other and he loves the kids but I also know that parenting has hit him hard.

That sounds hard, op.

I think it's a bit of both really - he's being shit and not putting much effort in, but equally you could try to get out more and not rely on him for all social interaction.

Can you get out to baby groups or meet up with friends and family for tea etc?

Tell him how you feel and that you're hurt he prefers to go on his phone than spend time with you. Hand over the baby when he comes in and insist he doesn't just sit around without doing anything hands on.

This bit is tough and it's hard to adjust your relationship, men often feel displaced by the baby a bit but the decent ones grow a pair and get over that pretty quickly.

I'd also be asking your midwife about pnd support if you feel things are going that way.

I am sorry to say this but it sounds like your husband didn’t really want to be involved with your older children and even the baby you share. And this must feel terrible at a time when you should really be enjoying your life as a family with a young baby. Did you ever have a conversation about sharing responsibilities etc before having your baby and if not, can you try to do so now?

Are you able to join some baby groups as suggested eg baby yoga/dance and make friends with the mums? Can you ask family to help out once a week with your newborn or get a babysitter to do some date night activities - perhaps when your baby is a bit older?

When are you planning to go back to work?

I was hoping to have 9 months off. I went back very early with the older two so we have tried to give me as much time as possible.

This comment about family life is really out of character as he is fantastic usually and helps out with everything. I’m worried because 3 years ago he was living his best bachelor life and didn’t envisage wife/kids in his future. I’ve never been worried about it before because it felt so natural.

I have been going to a baby group and do meet up with friends once a week but it just isn’t the same as talking to your person. We used to be very close and discuss everything together. I feel us moving apart and I’m very aware of this having been through a divorce where my ex told me I was a good mum but terrible wife.

@Sunnylove22 perhaps you didn't mention it in your OP due to trying to keep things succinct but it doesn't sound like you actually addressed with him what he raised about the constant busyness and the two of you not getting enough couple time?? If he doesnt feel listened to and that things will change, surely that's why he's been off with you during the weekend...

You understandably want him to acknowledge how you're feeling but it goes both ways - you need to acknowledge how he's feeling too and together you both take concrete actions to address it i.e. radically reduce the numbers of activities the children are in involved in so you actually have quality couple time together each day/almost each day and find a babysitter/family/friend to regularlycare for the youngest so you can both have couple only fun and time together. As a result he'll also feel more connected with you and the distance you're feeling with him will resolve. Children's activities or extra curricular things are optional and need be secondary to the marriage/quality family life. It's important that it's not just talk, but you both act on things to make it better.

Youve already said your husband helps out with everything so ignore the posters who are projecting their own issues and saying he doesnt want to be involved with the baby. You will also get some folks on mumsnet basically saying whatever children asks for has to come first in everything. This is BAD advice. The reality is you'll unfortunately be on a highway to another divorce with that attitude and it's improtant to learn from the mistakes of the first marriage.

Whatever is not looked after will wither and die and that includes marriage. Of course as parents you both need to make significant sacrifices with time, priorities etc when kids come but they shouldn't be at the expense of the marriage and doing this actually puts your kids first as it's crucial for keeping their family intact

It's also being smart with children's activities e.g. condensing it to the weekend only or allowing for certain day of the week only, or sharing the pick ups/drop offs with another family or they do more/all of the activities when theyre with their dad, so you're not having to run around all the time getting them places and letting their activities take over family life

You’re right I don’t think I did address it straight away. I thought in my mind that going out for dinner was nice for the two of us (but obviously we brought baby along). We’re in a position where both families live a considerable distance away and the baby doesn’t have and won’t have a good relationship with them because we won’t see them often. This may be on his mind although we do try to get to his parents once a month.

We do have a couple of evenings a week with no activities however the chance of couple time is slim because everyone is home. The kids do go to bed fairly early so we can spend some time together but that’s where my issues of him on his phone, watching rubbish tv or one of us going to be early lie.

I don’t really know what to do at this moment in time to see us through it.

I don’t have any concrete advice but do feel in a similar-ish position. DH and I have been together 3 years and I’m 24 weeks pregnant, I also have 2DC from a previous marriage (aged 9 and 11) who he has always been very involved with and there’s a lot of love between them all.

DH has recently started a new job which is ridiculous hours so is barely home and does not have much more to give when he is. I also work full time and therefore need to fully run the home, raise children and work full time. Also, grow his baby 😅

He is dropping his hours in February so this is hopefully short term but he and I are struggling. He seems to want more of his bachelor life than he ever has before (previously just enamoured with being in our family) and is wanting to game much more but feeling guilty about it. I am feeling the immense load of having to do everything for everyone and lonely and unappreciated.

We had a childfree weekend, I said to spend Saturday doing whatever he liked and gaming until his heart is content because I would love to spend Sunday with him and he actually be excited to spend time with me rather than feel guilty/ duty bound. In short, he said he was done gaming Saturday afternoon and just wanted to be together which I found a little jarring because I was having a day to myself as well and double triple checked that he wasn’t done having time to himself. We didn’t do much on Saturday because Sunday was our main planned day. He then chose to game most of the night Saturday night and so would no doubt be exhausted for our one proper day together. It’s not the first time this has happened and I just can’t shake how upset I am about it. I feel like if he was excited to spend the day with any other friend/ family member, he would not stay up all night so why do I get the shitty exhausted version when I prioritise him all the time.

As much as I really don’t want to, we are talking about it a lot, and I think this is the solution for you two as well. You need to really listen to each other with empathy and understand each other’s needs. Hopefully, you can work together to find solutions but at least feel really heard by your person.

Sorry for self-indulgently over sharing. I think it was therapeutic for me to write out but also nice to hear someone else with a similar story. I really feel for my DH, he is a genuinely wonderful man who has dived from single life into the exhaustion of a full family without the workload insidiously growing as it did for me. He works hard to be the best parent he can be, reflecting and growing without the years of experience that I have. It sounds like your DH is very similar — I try to keep this in mind and share how much I admire him for it whilst we have these difficult conversations.

I hope it helps and that we both start having a better time with it all soon 🙂

Why don't people think these things through before choosing to have more children?

He hates the monotomy of running around after kids yet he goes and gets you pregnant?

Surely you knew he was a moron before you chose to get pregnant?

Looking for advice not to be berated.
Is parenting everything you expected it to be? It’s certainly different from how I imagined it to be.