How do we fix this - sleeping arrangements

[Oddsitu]

Name changed but long time poster.

Odd situation but for the past few years DH and I haven't slept in the same bed. It came about as the kids were small and getting in our bed every night and he ended up in the spare bed. Eventually he went to bed in the spare room to avoid being woken in the night and moving. He also slept in the spare bedroom when they were babies and were waking for a night feed. I will note that I did hold some resentment for this but I want to move past it.

Move to a few years later, the kids have grown out of this stage but we are still in separate rooms. We have had a difficult few years with us nearly separating but back on track.

When we have guests stay or on holiday we sleep in the same bed. Its all fine but my quality of sleep really suffers. I go to bed and then woken up when he goes to bed. Then woken up in the night as he moves quite a lot in his sleep. Also silly things like his phone buzzes or if he can't sleep he will read his phone so the glare wakes me, or if he gets up in the night to use the bathroom. He is also really messy and our bedroom is my only place it is quite tidy and like to keep it that way.

After some guests left recently, he came to bed in our bed and didn't do his usual return back to the spare bed. I didn't mind and did want to get back to us sleeping in the same bed. But I was a little irritated he made the assumption and we didn't have a conversation about it. He then went onto say how it's good to be back in the same bed. I made a mental note about needing to talk to him about it as we had a busy day and no space to chat properly.

As we went to bed he started telling me what to do e.g. "can you hurry up as I want to turn the light out" that kinda of thing. I just snapped. Not handled brilliantly and we argued. It irritated me he was telling me what to do. In our house the only space I feel is mine, is our bedroom. The kids have their space, he has his office / mancave, everything else is shared. My peace and quiet is in our room. It wasn't intentional but that's how it's ended up. It's not me that thinks that, if the post comes for me or a delivery, it gets left for me on our bed. If something comes for him, it gets left on his desk in his office.

So this morning we chatted and he has decided he will go back to the spare room. He can't see how we solve this.
I feel sad about it now. I don't want to be sleeping in different rooms nor do I want to feel this tired as I am finding it hard to sleep with him there. But I am more irritated he took the assumption and we hadn't chatted before hand. I feel like we are housemates and not a couple and don't want to feel like we are giving up on us.

Any advice?

I don't think he was wrong to assume he'd be back in the marital bed . You don't esmt this though, you say you've had difficulty in your marriage, you getting mad because it's " your room" juat makes matters worse.

Split. As soon as you mentioned resentment I knew that it will eventually be over.
If you don’t want to split, you can’t have it both ways. You choose sleeping alone - and you’re not alone in that - or having quiet in your own room.

Yes you need to have a conversation.

Im just wondering, does it have to be all of nothing. E.g could you have separate beds in week so you get good sleep for work. Then together one or two nights at weekend when you can get a lie in. With an agreement about being respectful e.g not to use phone if he wakes in night.

Thanks @Shortpoet I am going to suggest this.

And yes I know I am unreasonable to think our room is my space.

It's OK to just have separate bedrooms if that's what works for you you know. Lots of people do due to snoring or shift work or whatever. Don't feel u der pressure to share a room if it makes you unhappy.
Perhaps as a PP said maybe allocate a night a week where you stay in the same bed on a day lack of sleep matters less?
I'm a light sleeper and I do share a bed with DH.For me getting a super king sized bed with a memory foam mattress was a game changer. I also wear silicone earplugs. I now do not register it at all if my DH comes to bed after I've fallen asleep. I don't hear it or feel the movement on the mattress so it doesn't wake me. We have agreed about phones tho. If the bedroom is dark because someone has gone to bed then no phone lights allowed. There's some battery operated dim golden fairylights on the end of the bed that can be turned on if someone needs to see. But no horrible blue bright phone lights in anyones faces. That does drive me mad.
We've also agreed if either of us cannot sleep and is tossing and turning or wants to read or watch something then we leave the room and go elsewhere

the only space I feel is mine, is our bedroom

You must be able to see the juxtaposition there. It’s not your room. It’s not your space. It’s shared space.

Is it an office or a “man cave” that he has? An office isn’t a fair comparison, it’s a work space. A “man cave” is a choice - and if it doesn’t work for you as a family for him to have a whole room to himself, make it into a shared lounge or something for you both when you need space.

I think this might be a sign that it’s the end of the road for you both, though. More caused by his behaviour when your kids were small than anything else, I suspect, but that’s by the by.

Don’t get me wrong, sharing a bed does mean some irritating behaviour. Starfishing or lights on or being woken up when the other person needs the toilet or whatever. My husband is a reader at night too; it has occasionally driven me mad. But it’s not enough to want to sleep away from him; and the inevitable death knell for our marriage that would signal.

Some people do choose two separate rooms and seem okay with that, and it’s not an immediate end - but neither of you have made that choice, and it doesn’t seem to be what either of you want.

On the one hand you say you don’t want to sleep separately, but on the other hand, you feel territorial about the bed.

Could you set up another place in the house that would be “yours”?

I would get a new bed - the biggest one that will fit. Get a good mattress that minimises partner disturbance. This makes a HUGE difference to sleeping comfort. Also, psychologically it would be a new shared space in which to rebuild your marriage.

Sharing a bedroom involves compromise. As does sharing a life. You need to bond again physically and emotionally and see yourselves as one again rather than two individuals at war over territory and rules.

I have a very similar set up here OP.
husband currently in the spare room as we have a 3 yo who sleeps in their own bed 60% of the time but sometimes gets in with a parent. I sleep with our newborn.
husband left family bed as DC1 used to wake him and he never really came back to the main bed.
I now quite like sleeping separately but do wonder if this is good for us long term bur on the same hand I don’t really want to share my room again. DH has a study/ man cave with huge tv and sofa bed etc

I highly recommend seperate duvets

The other thing to throw into mix for a new shared bedroom space is a single bed base butsperate mattress and duvets.
pits the norm in some countries on continent - standard in hotels I stayed at in Switzerland for instance
my ds is extremelly tall and B-road, hunk big rugby player, and his smaller girlfriend has EDS and often is plagued with joint pain, weighted blankets often helps her as well, whereas my ds is like a mini furnace with heat he gives out. . They switched to seperate mattresses, seperate duvets a few years ago and never regretted it, both sleep much more soundly now and DS doesn’t feel like he can’t move at night for fear of causing her pain if she has a flare up.

regarding the personal space. I completely understand that. This is a seperate issue from the bedroom however and is about looking at how you’re both using the house and ensuring if one of you wants a private time you have the space to to it. You might achieve this in a different way to how you use the bedroom now, maybe putting in rules around when the bedroom is “your” private space time why’s, or commandeering shifts in his man cave, making part of it your female nest. Think outside the box to solve that one. But it’s a different problem than the sharing bed.

You don't sound like you actually like sharing the room. That's ok but I can see how he's a bit confused. Surely if he does move back in there is another room that's occasionally used as a spare room and he has an office/ man cave you can use the spare room as a woman cave with a fold out bed. But you don't need him sleeping in the same room as you every night to have a healthy marriage. You do however need to communicate rather than rowing. I would have a chat in a planned way about whether to share or not and think about some marriage counselling