Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What’s just happened?

20 replies

Allysall · 05/11/2023 08:30

Morning ,
I need some help trying to work out what happened yesterday morning and why I feel so weird about it.

I live with my ex as we’re trying to sell the house. He flits between being nice and nasty - verbal and physical and it’s always been the same.

Yesterday was my birthday and he came down when I was half asleep to give me a cuddle in bed and wish me happy birthday (we sleep in separate rooms). He then started to get sexual and I asked him what he was doing - he replied with it’s your birthday. I said no and that we shouldn’t do this as it makes everything more complicated.

Although I was saying no my body was responding which made him carry on - I also felt confused. He then tried to have sex with me and I said no we shouldn’t , after him keep persisting I gave in even though I knew we shouldn’t. Before this I think I must of said ‘no’ , ‘what are you doing’ about 6 times.

After I just felt guilty, confused and sick. Why am I feeling like this?

OP posts:
EVHead · 05/11/2023 08:33

He raped you and you’re blaming yourself for responding to his advances.

Are you ok? Do you have support? What do you want to happen next?

Horrible situation: I had to keep living with my now exDH until he bought a house - it’s absolute hell.

CherryBlossom321 · 05/11/2023 08:35

You’ve been raped. I’m so sorry. Do you have support? Somewhere else you could stay? Please do prioritise your safety and wellbeing.

Original poster
Allysall · 05/11/2023 08:39

But was it not my fault ? Could I have been stronger ? Why was my body responding?

It’s not like he was holding me down?

All these questions in my head

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 05/11/2023 08:40

Flas News OP: You just got raped, someone sexually forced upon you against your wishes after you said “no” many times. Go to the police and have a talk with them, they might not pursue anything as rape cases are very difficult to prove in the UK, they might tell you were you stand legally speaking, but under no circumstances I would not let this go.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 05/11/2023 08:43

I had an ex do this to me. I genuinely believed if I was being coerced I would say no but after trying to wheedle him into stopping I froze and then started to let him. I was totally shocked by my own reaction. It's a horrible situation to be put in and if you say no that's enough for them to stop immediately but if they don't you are left negotiating a horrible situation the best you can in the moment.

Whataretheodds · 05/11/2023 08:45

OP PLEASE PLEASE do not feel guilty.

Although I was saying no my body was responding which made him carry on - I also felt confused. This is a LOT more common than most people realise. It doesn't mean he didn't do this without your consent.

Please consider contacting Rape Crisis, and telling a friend in real life.

Original poster
Allysall · 05/11/2023 08:59

@Bobtheamazinggingerdog what did you do after? I feel ashamed to tell anyone

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 05/11/2023 09:07

I told him the next day that he went too far and I did not want to be around him when he was drinking again. (It was an ex I had to have contact with for a while unfortunately) - thankfully it was out of character of him enough that I felt safe and able to say that. We also didn't live together then so I was able to assert that boundary. I never told anyone else though - I've mentioned it once or twice on mumsnet but never spoken about it to a friend. I don't want to face anyone's reaction.

In your situation I think you need to get out of the house as quickly as possible. You aren't going to feel safe there.

porridgeisbae · 05/11/2023 09:16

That is rape OP and whether your body physically responded doesn't matter, you didn't want it. So sorry you've experienced this. Sad Please try and find somewhere else to stay ASAP x

Xyyxxx · 05/11/2023 09:16

Oh you poor thing. This is awful. This is NOT your fault. No means No. Please talk to someone you can trust. Or go to the police - they have trained staff. Sending love ❤️

Original poster
Allysall · 05/11/2023 12:30

Thank you everyone, I just feel so ashamed.

OP posts:
porridgeisbae · 05/11/2023 12:44

It's not unusual to feel that way but still a shame as it's unwarranted, you did nothing wrong.

You could contact Rape Crisis or something OP. Get on their list for counselling etc. That could maybe take a while but you'd soon have an assessment for it so that means you could have a chat at least.

Private therapy might be worth prioritising if you can.

Could you stay somewhere else? It wouldn't be good for you to go through this again. You know now that he isn't safe.

porridgeisbae · 05/11/2023 18:00

You could speak to a GP if you like so you get help from them too, get on their list for counselling and other help.

Would you be at risk of pregnancy or STDs?

Original poster
Allysall · 05/11/2023 19:47

@porridgeisbae quite possibly but I was on the tale end of my period

OP posts:
SwordToFlamethrower · 05/11/2023 19:53

Your body physically responded yes. In the same way that when being tickled, we laugh even though we are shouting no and we don’t want it.

It's not your fault and he has raped you. You made it clear you didn't want it and he did it anyway.

category12 · 05/11/2023 19:56

Allysall · 05/11/2023 19:47

@porridgeisbae quite possibly but I was on the tale end of my period

Get MAP just to be safe.

Sorry this happened to you, OP.

Original poster
Allysall · 06/11/2023 08:37

I want to speak to a friend about it but I'm worried she'll force me to do something about it.

I'm now even more confused because I now feel this closeness again...I was strong and moving on but now I've gone back to doubting my decision.
Surely if what happened was wrong I wouldn't be feeling this?

OP posts:
beatrix1234 · 06/11/2023 08:45

Allysall · 06/11/2023 08:37

I want to speak to a friend about it but I'm worried she'll force me to do something about it.

I'm now even more confused because I now feel this closeness again...I was strong and moving on but now I've gone back to doubting my decision.
Surely if what happened was wrong I wouldn't be feeling this?

I think you need to move out of that house and be alone, it sounds like a very toxic environment for you, one that is messing with both your physical and mental health.

porridgeisbae · 06/11/2023 10:19

^I'm now even more confused because I now feel this closeness again...I was strong and moving on but now I've gone back to doubting my decision.
Surely if what happened was wrong I wouldn't be feeling this?^

A thing was done which when consensual, is part of a romantic relationship. It's not a stretch to think that having that done to you could make you feel like you are back in a relationship with this person. But on one level you're probably shocked/repulsed by him too I imagine.

It also can be the brain's way of coping with a situation where you feel trapped. Generating feelings for your abuser makes the situation more bearable.

This is also part of trauma bonding https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

Please leave OP, don't get sucked back in.

Trauma Bonding: What It Is and How to Cope

Trauma bonding is a phenomenon that can happen following experiences of abuse. Here’s everything you need to know about recognizing and breaking these bonds.

https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding

New posts on this thread. Refresh page