20 year marriage over, next steps help

[PurpleBirch]

So after 20 years of DH never backing me, I’ve finally decided this is it. I’m shaking as I type this. Our marriage is over and I have to learn to move forwards. We’re away with family to celebrate a big birthday and another member has come shouting at me because I have strong views about not going to Dubai as the rights of a woman are not equal to Mens.

DH hasn’t supported me at all and never will in any kind of argument. I have learned that this is a dealbreaker for me. We’ve all had wine and I’m counting down to the morning so I can drive us home from this holiday let.

Our situation is complex in that I had a professional job that I had to give up as DH earns substantially more but one of our children has a complex chronic condition that means I need to be there so I have not been working for a year.

I don’t know where to go from here or how to move forward but I guess a hand hold in the right direction would be good.

Don’t blame you for not wanting to go to Dubai.

I can also see why not feeling he is on your side is a dealbreaker for you. Would you go to individual therapy to help you through the process? Assuming it’s too late for couples therapy?

I'm here holding your hand.

Family can be a right pain.

Remember, you don't owe them anything - your children yes, them no -

I'm a single mum. So much better than the alternative with toxic family.

Take your time to build up your strength and get your ducks in a row.

Thank you both. I appreciate your messages more than you know.

I think it’s too late for any kind of joint counselling but I may well need something to help me individually.

I think I’ve known this is coming but the reality is still a shock. I’ve

My children are my priority and it’s hard to see how leaving their father benefits them in any.

Way

Congratulations on standing up for yourself.

It benefits them to see you happy.

A lack of togetherness and knowing that your spouse doesn’t have your back is a deal breaker for most people - so you’re not alone. You need to stay true to your values - not be bullied by anyone else’s. My ex husband did exactly the same, and it’s a very lonely place to be. Make sure that you and your children are protected as best you can. Get legal advice and be clear about what you need and want. A difficult task when emotions and shock are probably running high. You will get through this, this is light at the end of the tunnel and you’ll surprise yourself with just how much strength you have. Having gone through it myself I can’t believe how much my life has changed for the better. Some people try to fix things, hope that attitudes will change and they might for a short period- but people are invariably people, so their true selves tend to creep back in. Finish this, get yourself to a happier place let go of what your husband isn’t giving you and go find someone who matches your values - you have one life - live it. There will be an abundance of like minded people who will hold your hand, perhaps remotely like this - but they hear you, they understand you and their experiences will help you - all the best

Take your time, get legal advice.
Plan your steps, gather together your information and then, when you are ready, act.
Don’t rush anything.
Good Luck

Wine…you say? I wouldn’t expect my husband to support me on something like this. I am big enough and mouthy enough to back myself on this sort of thing.

You may very well have a valid reason for leaving you husband, but at the minute you are still very much ‘in the moment’. Sleep on it.

Keep your cards and decision quiet for now. Get legal advice and look at how you can go back to work in some capacity- if you will financially need to - does your DC qualify for additional help ?

Be prepared your’D’H will try and spin that you are unreasonable and dramatic. I think this latest incident is probably one moment in a marriage where you have felt alone and unsupported.

Good luck and hopefully you are free soon

It benefits your dcs being taught that you as a woman and a mother and a human being, should not tolerate being shouted at and browbeaten.

It benefits your dcs having a happy relaxed mum.

When you find a new, happy respectful relationship, you will be demonstrating what they should expect from their relationships.

Good luck.

I think you are currently in a fragile situation, this not time for bog decisions. Better to calm down and the.mn siscuss with your husband. Good luck. xxx

You are being a bit ridiculous your dh doesn't have to agree with you and stick up for you in conversations. One because he may not agree and that's fine for him to have a different opinion and two because you should be confident in your own convictions why do you need back up?
You are also drunk and not thinking clearly. Don't throwaway 20 years of marriage because your dh has different opinions to you and/or doesn't rush to your aid.

Thank you for all the advice.

Whilst there is wine involved, I am not drunk and it is indeed a very lonely place to be.

I think posters who’ve pointed out this isn’t the first time are correct. I can’t change who my husband is but I can change my responses. I’m fed up with bring unsupported and having to let things go to move forwards.

I have lots to think and sort but will try to calmly get through tomorrow (including one DC to get back to university) before getting legal advice and a formal plan.

I wouldn't expect my husband to back my political views, or me in a discussion about them. I can assert my own views. If my character or my family etc were being called into question absolutely.
FWIW I agree with you about Dubai, and so does my DH but I wouldn't divorce him if he didn't.

The other person became very shouty and was standing up to dominate the points he was making (that Dubai as a holiday destination is a bubble separate to its views on women). It became very hostile and I was trying to explain why I (as a woman) wouldn’t feel safe or support a country through tourism that doesn’t see women as equal to men.

20 years ago I would have been able to explain this quite eloquently and absolutely wouldn’t have needed anyone’s back up.

I think the fact that I’m even looking to DH for back up shows how lost I have become along the way. DH always wants us to quietly go along with others and not make a fuss. Actually, this came to light quite massively in a different situation recently. Tonight is a final straw rather than a knee-jerk reaction.

As the morning is getting closer, I’m becoming increasingly nervous about how I feel and would like it all to go away for the children’s sake but I also know I’ve been suppressing these feelings for years.

We only know a tiny, tiny amount about your relationship from what you’ve told us.

i think you are being unreasonable to an extent.
There’s nothing wrong with having different opinions - it could be said that you are in fact quite controlling because you don’t seem to allow your dh to have an opinion or respect his opinion. Why should your opinion be the ‘correct’ one?

However, I understand your comment about backup. Regardless of whether he agreed with you or not, I would have expected him to try and calm the situation down a bit if someone is really shouting at you.
Perhaps he tries to keep out of things because he knows your strong views and allows you to fight your own battles?