Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband addicted to porn

24 replies

Housewifeof4 · 04/11/2023 20:47

Hi everyone need some advice please.

i have been with my husband 18 years this Christmas eve married 11 and have 4 beautiful children.

we are still very much in love as the day we let if not closer as the years pass.

i have recently in the last 2 years lost 7 stone and my husband is not shy of telling me how sexy and amazing i am… BUT……..

over the past few months i have noticed he is always browsing in private mode on his phone… now although i don’t believe he is cheating i have seen he is searching porm n sights.

i have not confronted him as i am embarrassed and it upsets me when i see he has been on them again and i dont want it to turn into a big argument and us fall put over PORN.

however it is starting to get to me and i just wondered if anyone had any advice before i bring it up to him.

thank you all in advice x

OP posts:
Shpeech · 04/11/2023 20:53

Your embarrassed?? He's the one that should embarrassed.
Just say it, I know that look at porn every day/most days/etc. Do you think you might have a problem with it?

Don't let it eat away at you, let it out. It's horrible that he's looking at other women. Ask him why, ask him everything!

Original poster
Housewifeof4 · 04/11/2023 20:57

Yes i have a problem especially when its a secret it makes me insecure and wonder why he needs to watch it.

i dunno if im over reacting but it y of feels like cheating when he is watching other women and fantasising over it 😤

OP posts:
MaliciaKeys · 04/11/2023 20:57

Well done for losing 7 stone, that's an amazing achievement. Has your husband suddenly started looking at porn, or has he been more discreet in the past?

Original poster
Housewifeof4 · 04/11/2023 20:58

Think maybe always and iv just noticed however be hasnt always browsed on private this is how i have noticed x

OP posts:
HaveNoIdeaForAName · 04/11/2023 20:59

What makes you think it’s an addiction?

toddlermom9 · 04/11/2023 21:40

I'm confused to why you think he's addicted? A lot of men watch porn, regardless of your view on it - it doesn't mean he's automatically addicted because he's watching it Confused

Original poster
Housewifeof4 · 05/11/2023 10:42

Because we done hide out phones and have each other’s passwords and when ever i go on (when he asks me to) work related reasons he is always on porn websites and always in private mode that he has never sone before until i would say the last 8-12m ao he obviously is trying to hide his search history of how often he is on it im presuming

OP posts:
JIMMI85 · 05/11/2023 10:52

Housewifeof4 · 05/11/2023 10:42

Because we done hide out phones and have each other’s passwords and when ever i go on (when he asks me to) work related reasons he is always on porn websites and always in private mode that he has never sone before until i would say the last 8-12m ao he obviously is trying to hide his search history of how often he is on it im presuming

That’s maybe secretive but is not an indication of an addiction.

addiction is too often used for a variety of things, but the reality is, like others have said men ( and woman ) watch porn.

maybe he is ‘hiding’ it for fear of upsetting you, maybe the type of porn he is watching is a little ‘out there ‘ but unless he is watching it 4-5 times a day and it’s effecting your relationship or his work then it’s unlikely to be an addiction.

Ju1ieAndrews · 05/11/2023 10:56

Have you asked him how he would feel if his DC worked in the porn industry?

Would he be happy if you worked in the porn industry?

If not, then he clearly doesn't see porn work as just a "job", he sees it as something demeaning and dehumanising; is that how he likes his sex?

What type of porn is he watching? Gay porn? Child porn? Violent porn? Are the people in the porn by choice or by force? Does he know? Does he care?

Whilst he's allowed privacy, he's also getting something sexual from this which he's not getting from his heterosexual marriage and it's something that he's going to lengths to hide; so I'd be wondering how bad it is.

Original poster
Housewifeof4 · 05/11/2023 12:09

Just normal porn nothing worrying as he would be gone and I certainly wouldn’t be coming to a forum to ask for advice 🤣

that being said my normal is not normal for him yo be watching it privately and i cant confront him as its caused conflict in the past.

OP posts:
CallmePaul · 05/11/2023 19:57

Bloke here, to most guys single or married it's normal, might not be daily, but v regularly, as long as your sex life is good, ignore it, in most healthy relationships I know of its not a secret tho, just the norm.

Anothernick · 05/11/2023 22:12

Another bloke here, use porn often but have perfectly satisfactory relationship with my DW which we discuss regularly. If we had sexual problems I would certainly reconsider my porn use but if we are both happy then I see no reason to change.

Morewineplease10 · 05/11/2023 22:37

But OP isn't happy. That's the point.

To the 'blokes' ^^...

It may be 'normal', as in common, but that doesn't mean it's healthy? Porn gives unrealistic ideas about what women should look like, what women should do. Normalises violent or aggressive sex. And how can you be absolutely sure that some of these women haven't been trafficked or co-erced?

I agree nearly all men use porn, but honestly, I'd much rather be with someone who doesn't, or very rarely uses it.

Summerisawashout · 06/11/2023 06:23

I couldn't get worked up about this either, and I'm a woman. Unless it's an addiction and impacting your sex life of course, then it's a problem.

angsanana · 06/11/2023 06:30

OP why don't you just ask him ? Watch it together you may have fun.

FizzyLaser · 06/11/2023 06:33

I look at porn. I’m a woman. It’s private. He’s my husband not my keeper.

StopStartStop · 06/11/2023 06:36

Minimising, OP. He's not the lovely guy, you're not closer than ever. You aren't as close as you'd like to think or you'd have spoken about this already. He's a sleazy porn addict. I'm sorry.

Loubelle70 · 06/11/2023 06:40

If you dont agree with porn thats absolutely fine. Not all people watch porn so dont believe the hype. I dont accept porn in my house or from a partner, thats my boundaries and if it means i will be alone, im absolutely fine with that.

You need to talk with him about it. Talk about how you feel when he watches it.
Tbh he hasnt an addiction, it would show more. He would be moody, lose interest in you sexually etc. My ex hid a porn obsession, he turned cruel, unloving, erectile dysfunction, no sex etc.
Talk to him about it x

Loubelle70 · 06/11/2023 06:41

Morewineplease10 · 05/11/2023 22:37

But OP isn't happy. That's the point.

To the 'blokes' ^^...

It may be 'normal', as in common, but that doesn't mean it's healthy? Porn gives unrealistic ideas about what women should look like, what women should do. Normalises violent or aggressive sex. And how can you be absolutely sure that some of these women haven't been trafficked or co-erced?

I agree nearly all men use porn, but honestly, I'd much rather be with someone who doesn't, or very rarely uses it.

Yep

harerunner · 06/11/2023 07:14

Given he lets you access his phone so frequently, and he apparently makes zero effort to ever close down the sites he is looking at, why is he bothering with using "private" mode? It doesn't make sense.

ThisDearLilacHelper · 16/02/2024 16:14

Addiction would be where it would interfere with his job and personal commitments.

If it's resulting in him not having "energy" for you then he needs help.

Why not take some sexy photos to tease him? Make your own porn together?

MightyGoldBear · 16/02/2024 16:27

Op you don't have to accept porn at all as part of your relationship.

Head on over to reddit love after porn. Lots of resources and support.

If he isn't addicted then it will be easy peasy to give it up. Porn is unnecessary and if it's hurting our partner then it's a no brainer.

Accept porn is a super stimulus its designed to be addictive. It rewires the brain. Check out your brain on porn website. All the facts and statistics are there.

I wouldn't advise normal couples therapy either they won't understand this situation. You want a specialised apsat therapist who understands the trauma involved.

VictoriaSpongeForBreakfast · 17/02/2024 08:17

I found DH watching port meant our sex life was rubbish.

Loubelle70 · 19/02/2024 17:03

ThisDearLilacHelper · 16/02/2024 16:14

Addiction would be where it would interfere with his job and personal commitments.

If it's resulting in him not having "energy" for you then he needs help.

Why not take some sexy photos to tease him? Make your own porn together?

Yet again the woman having to make effort for the mans poor choices..
He should be kissing her arse tbh. He should be making effort...porn use is lazy.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread