Parent Plan - would you recommend cafcass ?

[RICHY12]

Hi.

Would you recommend going to court if you can't agree on parent plan?

In summary, the situation is quite messy. My soon to be ex-husband opposes involving Cafcass, claiming it's cruel for the kids. There's uncertainty about visitation due to his temporary accommodation, and he hasn't seen the kids in almost two months. He visited me but refused to see the kids, and he's portraying me negatively to his work and family, possibly for legal reasons but also to look like the victim. I am unsure about his mental state and struggling to balance self-care with worrying about him. We cannot agree on anything and I have hospital appointments because of Health issues which they feel are stress related.

I tried mediation and he was very angry, I felt I either wanted to make him feel better and agree. Or put my foot down and didn't agree, because I felt he was intimidating me/ manipulating (if that make sense. I wasn't making decisions based on kids.).

My children want ro stay in their family home. They want to live with me majority of time. But they do want to spend time with their Dad too. They feel every other weekend is good idea. As their dad can be grumpy and they feel every other weekend he tries hard to be happy with them. Also feel he likes golf and poker, so gives him a weekend free for himself. (He has mentioned he would have to pay me too much money if it isn't 50 50).

Any advice is appreciated.

Cafcass won't talk to the children unless they really need to. They will do their investigations and report to the Court.

Sounds like he wants 50 50 on paper so he doesn't pay maintenance while only seeing the kids sporadically. I would either
Let him try 50 50. Keep clear records of when he actually has the kids. Keep all communication via email.
Go to court and get an agreement. How old are the children?

@cansu They are aged 7, 9, and 11. I anticipate missing them a lot if I don't have them 50% of the time. It's surprising that he has gone almost two months without seeing them. He enjoys portraying himself as the victim to others and me as evil ex wife :(.

That's a tricky age. From what I read on here, unless he is abusive, the children will be obliged to have contact and CAFCASS are not neutral. Are there any reasons why he could not do 50 50? Would it be better to go the court route but in the meantime offer 50 50? He is unlikely to manage it and I suppose it would show that you are open to and are open to as much contact for the children as possible. I think I would probably try and show that I was open to plenty of contact whilst being clear about what he does and does not manage. Surely if he asks for 50 50 whilst only managing the occasional weekend, this shows that 50 50 is unrealistic and not in the children's best interests?

Tricky in that they are not really old enough to decide for themselves.

@cansu Currently, he can't do 50/50 as he's in temporary accommodation, bedsit. I went to court to stay in the family home during the divorce, which has made him angry. I simply wanted to agree on pick-up and drop-off times in temporary parent plan, but he also insists on adding in that I call only every three days at 7:45 pm when they are away. He also wants to add that he has 50% custody once he has a house.

My 11-year-old could potentially decide, given their emotional intelligence, but the 7-year-old wants both of us, making it challenging. He accuses me of alienating them one moment and then of them contacting them too much the next. I feel everything I do is used against me. While I prefer open communication with the kids, he disagrees. It's worth noting that he initiated the divorce, making it frustrating that everything seems to be turned against me. I'm hopeful that court is the right option despite his attempts to make me worry about it. I do feel if I support 50 50 I would end up having them so maybe just run with it see how it goes. But not being able to phone everyday too 😒 😕

He sounds like a bit of an arse.
I would go to court and see what they say. If you end up with 50 50 you won't be in a worse situation. I would ignore all the demands about phone calls. Maybe simply say that you prefer the phone call frequency to be led by the children's needs rather than be set in stone. You could also say that you are happy for him to call more frequently when the children are with you as this will be in the children's best interests. Keep the decisions child focused and refuse to be drawn into his narrative.

Cafcass only get involved if there are more complex welfare issues. They don’t get overly involved otherwise, and won’t see the children in every case (do not have the resources).

I would consider child inclusive mediation, if it does go to court I expect you would be asked to write a statement explaining what you think would be in the children’s best interests (this would not include you missing them)