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Original poster

OLD and really want a child

27 replies

LucyvanderPelt · 04/11/2023 18:04

I’m not ready to date yet, but am 41 and recently split from my partner and we had been trying to conceive. I know some people find OLD unbearable but I met my ex OLD so I do have a good experience with it (well, until the split).

I will be looking at egg freezing etc but would really like to hear your experiences of dating at my age with the priority of having a child. How did you approach it, how did you raise the issue with dates, and what were your timelines etc?

OP posts:
Crazycrazylady · 04/11/2023 18:06

I don't want to be negative for you but the reality is that potential partners will are anxious to have kids will probably de select women over 40. I really wouldn't be waiting till you meet someone at your age. Would you be willing to go it alone?

Whatapickle23 · 04/11/2023 18:11

Like pp said, it's highly unlikely you'll meet someone in time to get to know them and then try to have a baby. Freezing your eggs wouldn't be an option at 41. Could you get a sperm donor and have a baby alone? At least then the pressure is off.

I'm sorry you're in this position.

Original poster
LucyvanderPelt · 04/11/2023 18:12

Ah, okay, that makes sense and I actually hadn’t thought of that.

I hadn’t wanted to do it alone but will look into that at the same time as egg freezing. It would be so much money for me and I don’t know if the odds of it working would be very good.

OP posts:
PierceMorgansChin · 04/11/2023 18:14

Probably not what you want to hear, but men who want children will set their age limit to 35, so you will come across plenty of men with older/adult children who don't want any more. If I were you I would not put pressure on myself, you might get lucky and I hope you will, but it might not happen

Original poster
LucyvanderPelt · 04/11/2023 18:14

@Whatapickle23 Thank you. I hadn’t wanted to do it alone but it’s something I will now look into. I’m gutted about all of this tbh.

OP posts:
icanbewhatiwant · 04/11/2023 18:14

I found being pregnant at 38 tiring. I did have 2 other children though. Sperm donee sounds like a great idea.

icanbewhatiwant · 04/11/2023 18:14

*Donor even.

Mumofoneandone · 04/11/2023 18:16

Maybe get fertility checked as well... obviously depending on how long you had been TTC.....

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 04/11/2023 18:19

Sorry, but the reality is that its probably too late to freeze your eggs.

What do you think about trying via a sperm bank? Men can wait to ttc, usually aren’t in a hurry or would choose someone younger.

I wouldn’t be waiting around or faffing with OLD if a baby is your priority, in my opinion.

Rosiiee · 04/11/2023 18:19

Don’t lose hope OP! You could meet someone you click with who is in their 40s too and ready to have children too. In an ideal world you’d date for a few years before having kids but we don’t always have the luxury of time!

EveSix · 04/11/2023 18:19

I don't have personal experience of conceiving via OLD, but two female friends decided -independently of each other‐ to pursue motherhood 'from scratch' after 40, ie trying to find a partner (using OLD as well as investigating the potential of known men) with whom to have a baby. Both decided quite quickly it was a waste of time hoping to approach parenthood within a romantic relationship. They both prioritised having a baby more than they wanted babies within the context of a relationship, so decided to opt for donorship. There were just too many creases to iron out trying to determine, within quite a short time frame, whether any of the men on offer were actually likely to be suitable coparents for the next 18 years, let alone life partners. That is something which most couples take years to work out, and neither wanted to put off motherhood any longer in order to find out. Both have DC now, one has remained blissfully single and the other is in a blended family with a man with DC of his own.

MeMySonAnd1 · 04/11/2023 18:23

Honestly, go for the baby and then find a new partner, unless it is more important to have a partner than a baby.

You don’t want to rush things with the wrong person because believe me, raising a kid alone is much much easier than raising them alone with the wrong father.

Trying to rush things will make you more susceptible to ignore red flags, be love bombarded and end up with an abusive person.

Redlorryyellowlorryblue · 04/11/2023 18:24

MeMySonAnd1 · 04/11/2023 18:23

Honestly, go for the baby and then find a new partner, unless it is more important to have a partner than a baby.

You don’t want to rush things with the wrong person because believe me, raising a kid alone is much much easier than raising them alone with the wrong father.

Trying to rush things will make you more susceptible to ignore red flags, be love bombarded and end up with an abusive person.

Very good advice

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 18:25

I’d agree with PPs you need to focus on a baby if that’s what you want.

I have friends who have used donors and one who adopted alone. One did explore egg donation but went for a different route.

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 18:26

Rosiiee · 04/11/2023 18:19

Don’t lose hope OP! You could meet someone you click with who is in their 40s too and ready to have children too. In an ideal world you’d date for a few years before having kids but we don’t always have the luxury of time!

She could but she almost certainly won’t, and desperation will make her ignore red flags.

Much better to have a baby under your own steam and find a partner later.

Butterfly44 · 04/11/2023 18:38

If I was in your position I would go for an egg donor.

Loubelle70 · 04/11/2023 18:42

Bless you...try sperm donor OP..legally oc..or if that cant happen, adoption?. Good luck.
Some people dont realise how lucky they are having children, i adore mine and grandkids. I hope you end up being a mummy.

Loubelle70 · 04/11/2023 18:43

Butterfly44 · 04/11/2023 18:38

If I was in your position I would go for an egg donor.

..and this if theres problem and you can afford treatment. Please dont wait for any man. You'll be disappointed

category12 · 04/11/2023 18:48

Yes, sorry OP, I think you'd be best going down the sperm donor/medical route if you want a biological child and worry about dating/relationships later.

I don't think you have enough time in your fertility window to properly get to know someone enough to have a baby with them and you'd be risking your chance waiting.

MaliciaKeys · 04/11/2023 18:55

I agree with pp, go down the donor sperm route and have a baby first. Then look for a partner. If you jump into a relationship with someone who is desperate for a child as well, you will be getting together for all the wrong reasons, and the relationship may not work out.

Butterfly44 · 04/11/2023 18:57

Sorry OP I made a complete mess of my response!!! Confused I meant to write - if I was in your position I would go for a SPERM donor. Did not mean to write egg. Thanks to @Loubelle70 for quoting me. And I agree. Don't wait for a man!!

Rugbee · 04/11/2023 19:15

Do it alone for sure. Men are replaceable, you only get a limited chance to have babies. Have your babies, then look for love. At least half of relationships don’t last anyway.

ReadtheReviews · 04/11/2023 19:39

Do you have any gay friends who would make great co parents? I approached mine first before considering sperm donation.

Uggquestion · 04/11/2023 19:43

I agree with previous posters that you're unlikely to connect with someone wanting children at this stage. Even if you did, it would be rushing things too much to have a baby in the time frame. I don't think there's much point freezing your eggs but would certainly start looking for a sperm donor.

Original poster
LucyvanderPelt · 04/11/2023 21:46

Thank you all for your comments and kindness. I’m really struggling mentally and emotionally at the moment, and I appreciate your care.

The consensus is sperm donation. I’m going to take some time out, have some counselling, and look into donation.

@ReadtheReviews unfortunately I don’t have any gay friends or really any male friends who would be suitable/I’m close enough to to ask. If I’m honest I barely have any friends at all, but here I am making myself feel even sadder!

Time for a really hard think about what I want to do. Thanks again all.

OP posts:
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