Sense check please

[ooops8]

Looking for some perspective on my current situation

It has been a bad week in our house with one thing and another - mainly minor domestic stuff, flat tyre/parking ticket etc.

At the end of the week it took a turn for the worse with DH coming down with a horrible bug.. He's been in bed for 48 hours but is a bit better today.

While he's been in I've done all the childcare and looking after him. Getting him his favourite foods etc. bring him medicine and drinks. Just being thoughtful really.

In the midst of this DFil, who has been ill for a long time, has taken a significant turn for the worse.

Understandably DH is very upset but I feel he's taking it out on me. I've been asking how DFIL is and what the drs are saying etc. I could tell something was up earlier when we talked but I wasn't sure what.

I've asked him what the issue is and apparently I'm asking too many questions. And picking holes in what he's saying. I'm definitely not doing the latter!

I'm absolutely gutted for him. His DF is a lovely man. I'm also really hurt that he is being so harsh towards me.

I don't know how to proceed. I don't want to react in the wrong way as I feel my behaviour is being judged

He is staring his fathers possibly imminent death in the face.

In the nicest possible way, cut him some slack.

It not nice being accused of something you haven't done BUT if this is is not his usual.behaviour i would take a step back and be patient. If he's father is very ill,he probably has a lot to deal with. Just be there for him. Let him think. He will come to u for support when he is ready. Look after yourself OP

Don't ask any more questions about FIL. If your husband starts to talk about his father's health (which he will) just answer with ah and oh. It won't take long for DH to accuse you of insensitivity and lack of interest, at which point you repeat his very own words back to him.

Oh that sounds like an absolute terrible week OP! It sounds like times are tough and your DH is not only ill but has a seriously ill father, I know when I'm sick I can barely think straight so wouldn't be doing well under the added stress of an ill parent, let alone parking fines / flat tires / regular stressful family life.

You sound like you're being incredibly lovely and thoughtful for your DH - hopefully when he's back to full health he will understand, I wouldn't take anything he's saying to heart (unless he's going too far and being a total tw*t). He's probably worried for his dad and unable to do anything to help as he's sick himself, so is taking the easy route of expressing frustration to you (which I don't agree with but acknowledge we can all all be a bit shitty when not well and under pressure).

I'd take a few steps back and let it wash over you - he's not angry at you, but the situation. You sound like you're doing everything you can and when he's back to health I'm sure he will be really appreciative and thankful for you!

It sounds like he's trying to process his father's death and isn't ready for discussions on the matter, especially considering he's had a terrible week and isn't feeling well.

Unless this is part of a pattern of disrespect, I'd let this go.

Thanks all.

I'm trying to be the bigger person and let it roll over me but if I'm honest I'm very put out.

If this behaviour was uncharacteristic I'd be more understanding but I feel whenever times are tough I get the brunt of if by either not saying the right thing, asking too many questions, "not having any empathy" and "making him feel worse"

His DF has been in my life 20 years. I'm so sad about the situation for DFIL and DH

I know he can't see the wood for the trees atm but it would have been nice if he's given me the benefit of the doubt and considered what I was doing came from a good place

Sounds like a really tough week x

My FIL is also not well at the moment. I was asking dp a lot of questions about it and he started getting pissy with me for asking too much. Part of the issue is that the questions I'm asking (has he had a head scan/what's his CRP) are not questions he has asked, or has any interest in asking, and me asking him is making him feel bad. It's against my instincts but I've had to pull back and ask very general questions.

Hope things improve.

@ooops8

In my experience men are too fond of this sort of behaviour. When the going gets tough their wives and kids have to suffer. I don't just mean momentarily being a bit snappy but being darn right bloody rude and quite frankly cruel. They seem to think they need to be "understood" and have their brows mopped when it comes to life's difficulties. It pisses me off and I'm not surprised you're upset. As I said in my previous post, don't ask him anything else about FIL. When he talks about the situation just nod and go back whatever you're doing. If he challenges you, paraphrase his own words.

I'm not excusing the reaction as I'm sure you only had good intentions and you feel hurt but from my understanding a lot of men do not deal with difficult or emotional situations, or discussing them.

This is the case with nearly ever man in my family and that I know outside of the family, bar a few who are like me and are more into talking about things and how they feel. The majority of them shut off completely, shove it down and are seemingly incapable of talking or dealing with anything deep. It's usually silence, frustration or anger that comes out instead.

All I can piece together is upbringing and role models. The few like me who talk were raised by women and encouraged to be open. The others had a dominant male figure and were brought up not to talk about feelings, be emotional or cry etc.

I really agree with this.

Your husband has form for this and I think you have left things slide.

You have every right to be very pissed off.

It sets a really poor precedent in a relationship for one party to use the other as an emotional punching gag.

That is what he does and that is what you are.

My advice is to stop accepting it.

It kills marriages.
It does really, really huge irreparable damage.

Its not about supporting him.

Its about your self respect and how you will accept being treated.

You can say to him "I'm sorry you feel sick, I'm sorry about your father, but I will not tolerate being spoken to like shit. If you think I will, you have made a big mistake about who I am and what I will accept. You have done this once too often and I am telling you it is changing how I feel about you."

Men that are bullys and low level abusive do this.

It can only increase as they see their victims accept being treated poorly, so they up the anty and just get worse.

Good men do not behave like this.

You are upset because your gut is warning you that you are not being treated well.

We all have stressful lives.
We don't all use our partners as punching bags.

If he wasn't normally like this, I would absolutely cut him huge slack, but thats not the case.

He has form for being a prick towards you.

This is just his latest episode.

Not good enough and he needs telling.

I would say my piece and not go anywhere near him.

I'm sorry you're FIL is ill @PangramAddict 

That's very useful @Catsafterme thank you.

I'm very open and caring as a rule but get very hedgehog like when poked. Unfortunately my nature is to withdraw and be quite prickly.

I'm having to work very hard to not do that here