Feeling left out

[Cherryblossom200]

Hello,

I feel a bit pathetic talking about this, given there is so much awful stuff going on in the world. But I'm feeling so rubbish today I feel I need just somewhere to vent.

I'm a single mum, I had my child a bit later in life so my mum friends are about 7 years younger than me.

When I fell pregnant my ex walked out of my life so I decided to go it alone. I love bring being a mum, I'm lucky that I have a good job, own my own house and have wonderful family and friends.

In general I'm very resilient and positive, I feel so grateful for what I have.

But.. I'm also human and sometimes I can feel a bit lonely, especially in the weekends.

My main friendship group consists of 4 of us, we are all mums and get on incredibly well, we always have each others backs, and have a very strong bond. We go on holiday together and have a good social life.

They are all married and I'm the only single parent within the group, so at times I can't help but feel different in both marital status and obviously financially. I tend to ignore this most of the time, but occasionally it does get to me and I can't help it.

When times are tough I've been invited away with their family, it's lovely. I feel very grateful.

But yesterday once my DC was sleep, I got a photo of two of the group out at a fancy event. It was the first time I'd heard that they were going together, I was really complimentary and wished them a wonderful time, but I couldn't help feeling just really left out. I know exactly what happened, one of the girls used her plus one ticket to invite the other girl as she absolutely deserves to go - she does so much for the group all the time. So it was a lovely gesture. I want to stress this is more of a 'me' issue than them, they were just out having fun.

But the 4th member of the group wasn't invited as she is on a fancy holiday with her family, so she is fine.

It's down to my situation that I feel the way do. I was fine up until I got the message and it just triggered something within me. I have very few opportunities to go to fancy events if at all, it felt like everyone was out having fun except me. I ended up crying myself to sleep and even today I just feel rubbish. Out of everyone I have much few opportunities to go out because I'm a full time parent.

I've never felt like this with the group before, but it did make me wonder should I distance myself from it for a while. It's not their fault, but it's making me feel crap. I've muted the group for a while and may delete Facebook for a bit.

It sounds a bit drastic but it's other people who make me feel bad about my situation unintentionally. There is no malice in what they did, but I find sometimes seeing peoples happy photos of their lives make me feel like I'm not a part of the world if that makes sense.

I'd love to meet someone but I think that will never happen, I've been so badly hurt that I've given that dream up and don't want to subject my child to men coming in an out of our life.

I'm not sure what I what from this, I just feel a bit sad today 😢

You are massively overreacting, wanting to delete social media and crying upon finding out your friends went somewhere without you. 4 of you are not joined at hips, they are allowed not to include you every now again. You seem very jealous and resentful of other people's happiness, maybe your attitude started shining through and they wanted a little break from you? You seem like you have a lot going for you, good job and own your house, you are a mum. I'd urge you to make more friends as well rather than being stuck in a clique.

I think you are misunderstanding, I said it's not about them. It's to do with me being on my own and feeling lonely at times. I'm only human.

I do have other friends, but they don't really tend to go out so much as this group does.

But I agree deleting Facebook is a bit much. And I am over reacting.

It's a fact that social media can make people feel bad at times, and I know people do take themselves off it at times. If you're single and see lots of happy couples or families together it can be difficult.

Kindly, I think distancing yourself is a bit drastic.

You've said it's not them and they are lovely. Why would you punish them by withdrawing your friendship?

Could you not try to meet them one on one and have a bit of a heart to heart about feeling down at the moment? Maybe try to find an event to go to, see if you can get a babysitter and see if your friends are up for it?

This isn't about leaving you out at all and I think you really have to try to remember that and look on the positive side.

I tend to withdraw when I feel a bit rubbish, it's something I've always done. It's not to punish anyone, it's just a way that I kind of re-balance myself and then bounce back again.

As I said I'm only human, I have been a full time parent for many years and rarely grumble. I get on with life and accept this is the way it is, just sometimes life can make me feel a bit rubbish.

I understand where you are coming from.

But your friendship group seem generally nice and this was just unfortunate xxx

Thanks, I think unless you are single/full time single parent it's difficult to explain how lonely it can be at times. It's less about the other people, they are doing their thing and that's great. I have no resentment towards them, and feel genuinely happy for them. But there is a little part of me which feels just like I'm missing out! I'm just feeling sorry for myself and tomorrow will be fine 😊

Hi OP, I can totally understand how you feel, and you're allowed to feel that way. We are not just one thing, you can feel sad that you don't have something, whilst still feeling happy that someone else has it. It is very hard sometimes when we're a bit down, and I can understand your desire to withdraw for a bit, but I think sometimes the old phrase 'misery loves company' is quite relevant. You're miserable about one thing and so you're almost trying to take yourself off to a place where you can be even more miserable if that makes sense? Like when I'm crying about something, I start thinking about every bad thing that's ever happened to me and really dwelling on it and almost egging myself on!! I've no idea if others do that though lol. I can't help it!!

So I would give yourself the weekend to just be down, forget being grateful, because ultimately you're very grateful for your life and friends and you acknowledge that. So why not allow yourself to be sad this weekend, perhaps mute the group just for now, before bouncing back next week?

I know it may easier said that done. My life is the exact reverse of yours. I have a wonderful husband, but no close family, friends or support network. I feel incredibly lonely at times despite knowing im lucky to have my husband and children. Sending hugs 💐

I think if the other member of the group that is on holiday, wasn't in holiday you wouldn't feel left out. I think you are a bit jealous of them in the sense that they got more disposable income and a partner to bring not only money to theirs lives. Jealousy is a human felling, turn that felling 180 degrees and use it to improve your income, your hobbies, make some new friends etc. If that is not possible ATM use it to have quality time with your kid.

I'm not jealous of them, I'm not that type of person. But I've not been on a nice holiday in years, so when you see your friends all away on their holidays you can't help but feel a bit sad.

Normally it doesn't affect me in the slightest, I'm a go-getter type. Always doing fun stuff with my child, trying new things. But it's social media which makes me feel a bit down sometimes, I do know that's it's recommended to sometimes delete it if it feels you feel bad. So it's a common feeling amongst people.

I feel I can relate to your post, I have a amazing group of friends but recently have been quiet poorly and have a 10 month old. It's slightly different but I had to pull out of some events and it is quiet upsetting seeing everyone on social media having fun while your at home alone. I spoke to my friends about this and they have been great and even came round for a takeaway night knowing I couldn't drink. Going off social media may help for a short while but it will bring questions on why your not on there , I'd say be honest with your friends on how you feel and feel lucky you have them .

Thanks, it's really good to know I'm not alone on how I feel!

I'm not the type of person to talk about how I feel, because I don't want to be a burden. So I just put on a brave face and internalise everything. That's why I've come here, because I don't want to drag anyone down. I'm pretty sure my friends have no idea how I'm feeling! And I want to keep it that way too. I respect we all have lives outside of our friend circle.

I think 'fear of missing out' affects all of us, to a certain degree. Halloween weekend, a friend posted Facebook photos of herself and a couple of other people I know relatively well, at a fancy dress party. I felt a twinge of envy. Why wasn't I invited? On the other hand, why would I be invited? Personally I think it stems back to childhood, and the fear of being left out.

I think you're right, it's is a bit of a fear of missing out, and a why wasn't I invited feel. It's only natural to feel that way.

The problem is that the others see each other more regularly as some of the kids are the same age/class and get invited to kids parties or do the same hobbies. I'm the one out of the group which seems then the least, so I guess it stems a bit from that. It can't be helped, and it's the the way it is.

Also when you don't have a partner you don't always get invited to the couple nights either. It's just the way it is, I've learned to live with it. But it's still not always easy...

Everyone has busy lives and generally don't have time for drama. If you withdraw you'll push them further away. Do you ask them out or to meet up? If your child is older can you invite them all round to dinner as it won't impact your child?
I get the feeling you're sitting waiting for them to invite you rather than being proactive. Send a text on Friday evening "anyone around for a coffee /walk /lunch over weekend".
Brutal honesty, if one of my friends started this carry on I wouldn't chase after them. I'd assume they don't want my friendship and leave them to it.

I'm one of the key members of the group who is the instigator of social stuff. So it's not that I don't make an effort and I don't involve drama either. I alway try and invite everyone, I think that's the difference.

Withdrawing for a few days is no big deal. I'm not disappearing forever 😂

As I said, I'd never discuss this with them. I keep it to myself, but at the same time I am allowed to feel like this too. And I'm allowed to put measures in place to protect my feelings for a bit too.

Firstly some people are being unnecessarily harsh. This is not AIBU. Have some compassion. @PierceMorgansChin, particularly uncalled for.

You feel how you feel, you can't help your initial reaction. It's ok to notice it. But all I would say is try not to do anything self destructive or that will make you feel more lonely.

But I understand. It's ok to feel like this. And what you're doing is a way of trying to protect yourself.

You're doing such a great job with everything. Being a single mum must be so, so hard.

I hope you feel better soon.
Xxxx

Also, I don't think less social media is necessarily a bad thing. It has a damaging effect on us all in one way or another (says she on social media - but we don't always do what's good for us!)