Splitting up and time off work

[Ohwhatadag]

Simple question: how do you get through the emotional mess of splitting up and carry on working?

I am a teacher on half term. I feel that the idea of going back to school and standing up in front of students is impossible. I have shoved dd on a playdate today just so that I can self-indulgently cry and maybe hit the wine. Me and dh have been going through a very rocky patch since last march. Since I discovered his affair, then the general landscape of his head: secrets and lies which has been exposed gradually since then (we have been married for 14 years - how did I not notice? Denial? Stupidity?). It has been up and down. Now we have reached rock bottom, where I am left with no choice but to properly split up with him. I am devastated that our family is being split up because of his shitty crappy lying. Over something so trivial, and at the same time fundamental, as being honest. The affair I could deal with - but not the lying.

Did anyone ring in sick? Take leave to deal with it? Did you tell work? I don't live in the UK, but a european country where being signed off sick for stress is relatively easily done. How long does the white heat of splitting up take to pass? Does going to work actually help? Is it any coincidence that this has peaked when I have been off for a week and had time to think?

Thanks for listening. I am a wreck today.

Okay. No-one listened.

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so sorry you are dealing with this. I think taking some time off work is definitely what you need to process this. It’s a trauma and you need this time. Wishing you well xx

I would definitely take some time off if you need to, although sometimes work can be distracting so maybe try and go in and see how it goes. So sorry you are going through this. It will get better although I know it won't seem that way now.

Give us a chance!

I reckon ringing in sick is totally suitable, you're going through a huge life event, you need time to process it. You can't do in front of a class.

Take care of yourself

Hi, a bad split is a bereavement really. I don’t think there’s any right or wrong answer, but if you don’t feel able to do your job then I think it’s completely reasonable to take some time off. So sad for you. I promise it will start to get easier, but it takes time 💐

Take time off. Separation is one of the most stressful events in life. See your GP. You may need talking therapies and medication to help you live with what has happened. Take a couple of weeks to come to terms with being single and gradually tell people during this time. Also tell your colleagues, hopefully they will be sympathetic and supportive.

I'm sorry no-one answered when you first posted, Saturday morning is a busy time for a lot of us. Don't hit the wine too hard.

Where I work this would be considered sympathetically and you would probably be given some compassionate leave.

If you need time, you need time. It's a big deal.

Yes! Take some time off, for sure. One of my son's teachers was going through a divorce and she sat in the classroom crying every day. There was no teaching going on. She needed a break to process what was happening.

Awful situation for you. When it happened to me in very similar circumstances, but without any DCs, I took the week off work sick. I told my boss who was so lovely but encouraged me back. On returning to work, I found it a good distraction. I felt it was the one thing in my life that hadn’t changed which was some comfort.

have you got some good friends to help support you?

I would ask your GP to sign you off for 2 weeks with stress/anxiety and revisit how you feel after the 2 weeks.

Firstly you have to take a minute to understand that this is causing you a massive amount of stress. That stress is very real health condition and it, currently, means you cannot do your job so you need to call in sick.

I’m a teacher. I have dragged myself into school and taught when I, now realise, I should have been off with stress. There were two things that stopped me. Teachers guilt of not being in school and not acknowledging stress as a serious health issue. Teaching is one of those jobs, where you need to give it everything while you’re at work. You can’t coast through the day.

Splitting up after all that time and going through all you’ve been through, you need time. I know at least 4 teachers who took a substantial amount of time off due to a break down of a serious relationship. You absolutely deserve the time. I know it’s been cheapened but the phase “be kind to yourself” is vital right now.

Hey. I had three days of "Norovirus" when I kicked H out. Wasn't ready to blab my abusive marriage to the cover supervisor at the time, or write my personal business on a return to work form.

Told my line manager as she was a friend.

With hindsight, I did amazingly to only have three days. I had the house on the market by end of day 3.

I didn't take time off but my situation was different I chose to separate because of exh's abuse. I found work helped me through but I'd come to terms with the idea of separating ever before it happened.

@Ohwhatadag - agree with PPs: it’s perfectly reasonable to take time off to deal with the stress of your relationship breaking down.

Thank you for being so kind 💐

Totally agree with others to take time off. I took a week off and it was much much needed to put some strategies in place. Be kind to yourself and remember you can't pour from an empty cup.

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I work from home so could continue working while crying most of the day over my recent split. I can’t imagine I could have gone into an office or stood in front of a class in the state I’ve been in.

Please see your Doctor and get a sick line. You can get one for a couple of weeks at first and if you need longer, ask for another one. Take care of yourself.

Now that you have said it, I feel the stress in my body. (My mind has been a washing mashine for months.) I am sure that school would be okay.

But I still feel guilty at the thought of it. A bit like a cold, when you are just expected to soldier on. I remember that conversation from nqt days and I had the audacity to take 2 days off in a term.

God i am fucking pissed of with him. On top of everything this is another fucking source of stress.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. The early days can be incredibly difficult. I was signed off with stress for three weeks initially. I’m lucky that I had an incredibly supportive manager because I needed more time off on occasion, when things would randomly hit me.

good luck to you. Five years on, I’m doing great. It takes time and right now you can concentrate on getting through the days as best you can.

With the worst of my break-ups, in my late 20s, I had a complete nervous breakdown and was signed off work for 4 weeks.

If you’re feeling low and anxious to the point where you feel like you won’t be able to function at work, speak to your GP - she will no doubt suggest some time off work.

I didn't take time off when I split with my husband but 6 months later it all got too much and was signed off with stress for months. It's best to take the time now. Get a doctors line. Your work don't need to know details

Unmemsnetty hugs to you

Do u think bring at home will benefit u? If do call in sick. Everyone is different. When my partner took his own life i did not have any time off school as i felt i needed the routine of work. I compartmentalised things,as it was the onli way I could cope. Hang on in there OP. U will get through this

I'm a teacher. I took 6 weeks off plus had 2 weeks of easter. I then did a phased return. I could not have coped in work. I was a mess, as were my kids. We were blindsided. I'm glad I took that time to process as I am now so much stronger

You just do it. I found work a refuge. It stopped me thinking about myself the whole time. And I had understanding colleagues.