Friend is having an affair

[ColdSpirit]

Name change for this but regular poster.

My friend is having an affair she called and told me yesterday. It’s a guy at her running club. They meet and chat two times a week plus parkrun together. He has helped her with a bereavement in the past year and I think they bonded over that.

She said they had been messaging and some messages crossed the line into « emotional affair » territory and then things developed from there.

Both married, both have kids. My friend has been on a downwards spiral MH wise for some time and I’m wondering if she is subconsciously blowing up her life (I.e. her husband will find out divorce her etc) has anyone else seen this happening?

She isn’t going to tell her husband. She told me that her husband is already suspicious so I think that it will come out sooner or later.

I said you can never ever speak to OM again. Delete and block his number, delete and block on SM. Don’t got to running club and if you see him at park run just ignore. Don’t put yourself in a position where you’re tempted. She seemed to think that she could continue just being friends with this man 🤦‍♀️ Which is obviously going to end in disaster.

I dont really know what I want from this thread. Maybe just venting! I just wish wish wish that she hadn’t bloody told me 🙈 I feel so squicky about it.

(I know really that this is nothing to do with me and I can’t control it and I’m sure in a few days I will be on « ignore » mode.)

I agree you gave correct advice, and also think this isn't going to stop and you should stay clear of this disaster.

100% this

If you are her friend then you could ask her why she’s doing this? What she’s getting from it that she can’t get from her husband/marriage? While the mumsnet trope is that anyone having and affair is a selfish bastard, the reality is that most happy people don’t self-destruct their family life. There is something going on underneath and as her friend you could help her with that.

Telling her to step away isn't very helpful - she knows that’s what she ought to do and puts you in the league of people who don’t understand.

I think if she tries to speak to me about it again I’ll just cut her off and say well you know my view is that you shouldn’t be speaking to him

It’s just not right is it. Her husband is such a kind man.

I am 100% in the league of people who don’t understand!

I did ask her why and she said with the bereavement he gave her better support than her husband. And he understands her more.

How you handle it is absolutely your choice and it really depends what your friendship and relationship is like with this friend but I personally would never say that to one of my girls if they were talking to me about their life and problems.

My friends are among the most important people in my life and I’ll always support them and have their back even if they’ve done something wrong or something I wouldn’t do. I’m sure her husband is a very nice man and you can absolutely give her advice and feel what’s she’s doing is morally wrong but if she’s a good friend she needs your love and support not judgement. No one is perfect and people make mistakes. In those moments they don’t need their friends and family to abandon them they need love, understanding and support.

That’s just my opinion of course.

Totally this. She just wanted to tell you about it, under the guise of asking for advice. Keep away from it all now.

Well, now you know something about your friend's character that you didn't know before.

Either she is unhappy enough in her marriage to want to leave, but too cowardly to have a conversation saying "let's split" and potentially be on her own, or;
She's happy to stay married but wants the excitement of an illicit shag to distract her from the mundanity of everyday married life.

I did not need to know this information.

How strong is your friendship? Is it more like family?

People do stupid things sometimes, we are only human. That in no way excuses her behaviour but she may just need support. Is she smug about it or is she quite remorseful? Does she want advice or does she just want to get it off her chest?

It's really unfair of her to offload her own burden on you by telling you but I've seen this before and it doesn't end well. People in affairs often reach a point where they can't keep it to themselves anymore and need to offload. She's kept the deceit going all this time and has dumped on you to offload her own guilt. You are not her therapist and I'd even question what level of friend she is to have put you in this position. If she can't handle it anymore then the answer to that is in her own hands, and it's not by offloading her grubby affair on other people. Tell her you want nothing to do with it and to never speak about to you again.

Update is that’s she hasn’t stopped seeing him, hasn’t stopped messaging him and he has confessed his undying love for her. Apparently she told him nothing else could happen but then continues to see and speak to him.

She is under the delusion that this relationship can go back to a friendship like it was before it crossed a line. I have been blunt with her that this is not possible.

I said to her (again) that she shouldn’t be seeing him and she needs to block him on everything. I am sure she will ignore that.

@CaroleSinger you're right that she has offloaded.

I’d distance myself from her to the point of not seeing her. I can’t be arsed with people who have affairs and want to talk about them to me. You’re different people with different morals. Leave her to it.

Before it happened to me I probably would have supported my friend by telling them that it’s wrong but would have kept their secret. Now it has happened to me and really understanding the trauma it causes, I’ve now made it clear to friends if they ever have an affair then I’ll be the first person to tell their OH. If you want someone else then you do the decent thing and leave. I’d support a friend who did that but not one that sneaks around with a second life deceiving their OH.