Do all men only want the positive parts of a marriage?

[Skygarden1zero]

I am asking this as I have a chronic long term health condition that is managed by medication. Usually no problems unless I forget to take medication (which I don't). I'm also perimenopausal so struggling with that and going on HRT, my worklife isn't great.

Anyway, DH shows no empathy whatsoever, he just wants everything to tick along nicely with no problems. He doesn't realise life in general (he's very inexperienced in life in general!), my life isn't like that I don't moan but I do have a lot to manage, health, DC, work etc. his life in terms of health, work etc is simple. Anyone else have a DH who is none empathic or supportive and just basically wants an easy life (don't we all!). Sorry for the rant.

No, my husband isn't like that at all. I'm sorry that yours isn't supporting you. I don't think you're expecting too much to want a bit of sympathy from your life partner, who presumably made vows to the effect of being there for you in the hard times as well as the good.

Do you think it's a communication issue (for example, he's not great with expressing himself in words but does practical things to help you, or you're wanting a hug but he's not the touchy feely type) or is he actually just an uncaring arse?

No my husband not like this either so not it's not all men in answer to your question.

I'd have thought most people want only the good bits of marriage - but most are sufficiently realistic to realise life isn't like that, and there will be bad stuff alongside the good, and do take the for better or worse bits of their vows seriously.

No, not at all. I also have a long term health condition that causes me a lot of pain. My DH is sympathetic and supportive and never makes me feel bad for having it.

But I would say, when we were younger (in our 20's and early 30's) he wasn't as supportive. He got annoyed and frustrated, but I think with growth and maturity is how he became the supportive husband he is today.

I agree that most people want the nice bits,but realise that life cannot always be hearts and flowers

Your husband’s response suggests that he just sees this as his wife appliance inconveniencing him by malfunctioning.

Are you normally treated as a domestic droid that exists solely to make his life more comfortable?

I think realistically most people want only the good bits, but are sensible, realistic and intelligent enough to realise that for the vast majority that's just not how life goes.

I'm very fortunate to have a stalwart and realistic husband who throws in everything when the going gets tough and always has. He really takes his "sickness and health" and "richer for poorer" vows seriously, so do I. We're stronger together, make the hard times easier for each other if we can, so we can both enjoy the good times to the full.

I'm sorry your husband seems to be both quite dense, and appears to see you as a domestic appliance rather than a person.

Sorry life is so difficult for you OP.

No, I don't think all men are like that. My dad was so I was very careful to pick a man who isn't like him at all. We look after each other whereas my dad wanted to be looked after - when my mum died he was totally useless and couldn't even do the slightest thing for himself.

As others have said, no-one wants the bad bits.

I'd also add that some people (genuinely not implying you do this as I've no idea) wallow in the misery of the bad bits. Life is hard enough without embracing misery.

But if he's not empathetic and lacks life experience, while you've got complex needs then you don't seem well matched.

No. I've got a chronic health condition and had a LTR with a man like your husband. Initially it was under control and we went to the pub, parties etc - things were great. Then it flared up. He didn't care and it got to the point where he was so actively uncaring I ended things. It's a lot to take on but my current partner has taken it on. Life isn't all flowers. I feel sorry for my ex's new partner as I think he'll be a let down if they have a baby/when something crops up. It's about compromise, selfishness and empathy. You're not being unreasonable, I'm sorry. I would convey your concerns, then see if they convert to action, then have a think.

Exactly this. I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with only wanting the good bits of marriage. No one should go into it expecting a dutiful, decades-long slog or a lifetime of martyrdom.

The reality is that marriage involves taking some of the rough with the smooth, supporting their spouse in hard times and a degree of indulgence when they are not always the beautiful, sparkling person you first fell in love with.

But I don't believe in sacrificing your own personal happiness to a marriage (indeed I would never get married again because my first marriage seemed to expect a lot of this of me). If you get to a point where over a long period of time a marriage is little more than a financial contract and shared care of children, I think its entirely reasonable to ask if you are better off out of the marriage. A lot of people end up putting their marriages before themselves.

Sorry to hear your DH isn't supporting you the way you want. Have you spoken to him about this and made clear how you'd like him to be supportive @Skygarden1zero ?

Some people are naturally more empathetic than others but also everyone has their own 'love languages'. Some people show love/support by words, some by actions, some by keeping things ticking along in the background etc. It may be in his mind he's thinking he's supportive but what he does isn't actually matching what you personally want as support so it's important to have an open honest discussion with him about this at a time when you're both not stressed
You can both do a quiz as a starter to work out what preferences you both have and how to meet each others needs https://5lovelanguages.com/

Also considering your health issues , it sounds like you're involved in so much. Could your husband take on more financial responsibility as a way of support so you can quit your job or go part time to reduce pressure on you? You will have to make financial sacrifices as a family (cutting out luxuries/downsizing/moving area)but your health and the family's wellbeing should be priority 💐