Relationship Realities: Balancing Differences and Expectations

[CuriousKatie]

In my 20s, I met my husband when I had a busy social life and a good job. He worked night shifts and preferred staying home due to work-related tiredness. This somehow worked for us at the time. Despite our differences on paper, we got married and had children.

In my 30s, I'm a stay-at-home mum, juggling kids, freelancing, and household duties, often with little adult interaction. My husband works nights and has a flexible day job. While I appreciate his work ethic, it leaves us disconnected. He arrives home, briefly spends time with us, and goes to bed early. Simple activities (watching TV together etc), and intimacy suffer as a result. On weekends, even though he's not working, it's not uncommon for him to take a daytime nap and go to bed before the children do, citing his 'body clock' as the reason.

Loneliness creeps in, and when I've tried to share my feelings, he often brings up his long work hours and the stress he's dealing with so that I can be at home with our young children, suggesting that I should spend time with friends if I'm feeling lonely.

Balancing kids, freelancing, household chores, and handling the lion's share of night feeds and sleepless nights during the week while he's at work leaves me with little time for relaxation or early nights.

While it's true that some might say, 'you knew who you were marrying,' my life and priorities have undergone a significant shift since becoming a wife and mum. It feels like he's stuck in the same routine. AIBU to expect more from our relationship?

You are both at the most demanding time of your lives raising a family working maintaining a home etc Most people will go through this period
Have a heart he is slogging to keep a roof over your heads
What about setting aside a bit of time to spend together alone where you can reconnect

I understand how you're feeling OP, and it must be very hard and lonely.
You have changed and evolved sinds marriage and motherhood. you have adapted your life, but it seems your husband has not. And not to be too stereotypical, but this is often a male-female dynamic.
Women change their professional and personaly lives to fit around their household and partnership responsabilities, where men often ask their family to adapt to their professional duties.
However, he is the breadwinner and the only one to provide a stable income for your family. You can't underestimate how much pressure this puts him under.
It's not a competition to see who's got it the hardest and who has more right to be tired and needing a break. You're just both going through a lot.

This situation however can't be maintained in the long run. You're both going to be lonely and this is going to cause resentment to build up over time. And this is exactly the kind of situation that entices people to look for connection outside of the marriage.

You want things to change, okay. But have you thought of the sacrifices you and your family will have to make in order to allow for that change? You can't expect your husband to keep working 2 jobs, working nights, bringing in the same amount of money, and yet somehow have more energy left over for you at the end of the day.
Can he work less? Does he want to? And how will your family cope with the difference in income? Will he have to compensate for that somehow? Will this be held against him?
What are his priorities? How can you both find time to relax and unwind, together but also as individuals? How can you accomodate that for each other?

You both have some work to do, but communication is key!