Husband efforts (lack of )

[teddy999]

My husband has been emotionally,psychologically and on occasion physically abusive. He has never been greatly affectionate, he has told me recently he is trying to change and part of that is to be more affectionate, he is upset with my response to him that I am not affectionate to him(even though he said he doesn’t care about affection, he’s only interested in touching me when it leads to sex) it turns out that I am not that keen for him to touch me, I have said it’s because of his past behaviours, I am met with “what have I done in the last four weeks” , I cannot mention the last seven years of abuse to myself and my child, I am told to stop living in the past, the past impacts now but he can’t get that (it seems he can’t be bothered to make the effort he said he would so is blaming me as a way to stop trying)
he’s said let’s stay together for sake of our child and if I decide I can ‘get over’ what’s happened to let him know
not sure how to get over stuff being smashed ,pushing me ,grabbing me, gaslighting, throwing stuff in the bin then lying about it, saying nasty things to our child because he says it hurts me , it also hurts our child
I cannot it’s get over it, I asked that he go to counselling but because he is controlling he only went if would go and we only went twice
I have repeatedly told him
its not that easy just to let go of the past

But you're giving him very mixed messages. You've stayed in the marriage so presumably are willing to forgive these behaviours to a certain extent. Why stay if you can't get over it?

What’s the point of staying ? I’d you don’t want a physical relationship (understandable) and he does, it’s not going to work.

For your child’s safety and development- leave this relationship.

Good grief.
He's not fixed and that awful cruel behaviour is who he is.
He isn't even understanding why his treatment of you and his child should make you wary. He's on best behaviour but being deliberately and conveniently obtuse.
Split, for the sake of your child.

Okay, so you accepted that he wasn't affectionate, on top of being abusive, and you stayed.

Now you've realised you don't even want affection from him. Which is fair enough. It probably feels fake and forced anyway.

But now you need to realise that you should end the relationship. It's not a relationship. There's abuse (and there will be again when you don't 'play ball' with his false efforts), and you (rightly) don't want affection. Effectively you're housemates who are trying very hard to remain civil.

It doesn't matter whether he's telling you to stay together for your DC. You have autonomy too. You don't have to stay just because he tells you to.

In my part of the country the council runs a course for perpetrators of abuse. I think it’s organised via children’s services, but it’s related to abuse between adults. If there’s anything like that where you live and if he’s serious about changing, then it might be worth looking into it.

I don’t believe that people can never change, but I also don’t believe you should stay in an abusive relationship. It doesn’t sound from your post as though he really has any understanding about how his past behaviour has affected you.

Thank you all for your replies
I have absolutely not accepted his behaviour he has bail conditions that say he shouldn’t be here but after two months he’s moved himself back in , no discussion just here, he stole items from me but still refuses to give them
back, it’s still all being made my fault ‘when I am ready to move on’ so basically it’s my fault things are the way we are
I’ve been told his mother hates me, she has the same mindset as him that it’s my fault that he put his hands on me I’m to blame because I contacted the police in his eyes his behaviour isn’t wrong it’s all my fault

OP, if he's breaking his bail conditions by moving back in, then you should alert the police.

Call the police again. He hasn't changed. Even with intervention, men who abuse almost never change. This is just a new tactic.

This is a new phase of his abuse. I am so sorry you are going through this. Is there a way you can contact the police about the bail? Can you change the locks when he goes out and then phone police if/when he comes back?
I was never brave enough to get help, too cowed and beaten down. After 16 years I grew too old for him.
I am really hoping things go well for you.

You sound so passive in all this. It really doesn't matter what this arsehole or his mother thinks about you. Walk into a police station or approach a police officer and tell them you are unable and afraid to go home as your 'partner' has taken up residence in breach of his bail conditions. Start divorce proceedings on Monday and don't stop badgering authorities until you have an emergency contact that will respond immediately next time he tries to approach you.

To let go of the past - this is exactly something you need to do OP. Forget about him.

Het yourself safe. Honestly he sounds really dangerous. You are putting yourself and your child in harms way. He could kill you both.

He's abusing your child. Get the child away from him.

If he's breaking bail conditions, speak to the police and tell them that he has returned to you and is being verbally and emotionally abusive in your home, with your child present. There should still be no discussion between you and him. Don't threaten him with this or tell him you're going to do it or that you've done it. Just report him. For you. For your child and their safety.

Every single piece of information you've given about him is defining abuse. He needs to be deserted, reported, jailed by anybody he tries to abuse. Let him be an abuser alone in a cell. He can be what he likes. Let the authorities deal with him. Nobody has to suffer him, and certainly not a child.

OP you are enabling him
why on earth are you allowing him back to breach bail conditions ?
Come on show some gumption

So he is still abusing you and your child and has broken bail conditions?

Why haven't you called the police?

Your poor child.

Some children really have no chance at all.

Dude.

You're perpetrating the abuse on your child by allowing him there, even passively.

Call the police and get him removed.

Sorry to hear you have struggled as well