The Ex Files

[mcvities]

Soooo, after leaving my cheating ex two years ago, I started a brief foray into Internet dating

I actually had a few pleasant chats with some nice men and have been dating someone for about three months

He’s well mannered, respectful and kind, as are his friends and adult children

We’re enjoying each others company but I’m reluctant to take things any further. He seems very keen

The only reservation I have, is that he was with his ex for 30 odd years (separated a couple of years but not divorced). Ended amicably and still friendly

So far, so good

However, he talks about her a lot, as in every date we have. E.g your birthday is near my ex’s and weeee went here and weeeee went there

I know I sound jealous and paranoid, which I’m not normally but is this a good or bad sign? It does grate somewhat

He was planning on taking me away for his birthday and then yet another ex story comes up. As in, ‘I went away for a weekend with my ex on my birthday once and this and that happened’

I talk about my ex on occasion but this seems excessive

He’s told her he’s dating me apparently and she is online dating herself. I’m really not sure if this is normal or whether it’s a good or bad sign

I think I might have the conversation before I get too attached

Anyone else experienced this? I know this can be quite common with widowers but what about divorcees?

Otherwise, there are no other glaring red flags but I’d like to get out relatively unharmed if need be

30 years is a lot of life, there’s not going to be a lot that hasn’t involved her !

Sorry but that would put me right off

@NotNowGertrude it does put me off a bit.

It’s not so much the stories I mind, especially after the amount of time they were together

It’s more things like ‘oh my ex did that too’ if I said I used to have a glass of wine when getting ready and the birthday thing, Oh that’s near my ex’s birthday’

I think it’s time for a discussion before I get in too deep

I had that once and I ended it. He was actually quite fond of me, but he kept on slipping the ex mentions, not even as frequently as you, and then one day I was away on holiday and he said he was tired because his ex who had moved to the US called him in the middle of the night and I was like, Bye Felicia.
They had clearly broken up because she moved away and she made that decision, but she also liked keeping tabs on him. I told him this was making me uncomfortable and before he dates anyone else my advise would be to sort himself out and not go into a relationship just to try to get over ex he still has feeloing for as it was unfair and wished him good luck.

I’m still friends with my ex and we speak regularly especially as our son is living with him at the moment but I certainly don’t talk about him on dates unless I’m asked a question or it’s a very vague in passing comment.

A new partner having an amicable relationship with their ex wouldn’t be an issue but this man would make me think there’s still too much between them and it would put me off.

I'd call it a red flag. I ignored plenty of these in my last relationship; he had someone he called "religious NAME" who he had been dog walking with and painting her apartment through lockdown. He made out at first he had been doing her a favour, then it came out they had slept together, then they'd had a "thing" then he had discovered she was a born again (as if they keep it secret!). So he had apparently broken it off with her as she was too religious all of a sudden after they slept together. 1 month into us officially going out and he has to "break it to her"and drives for several hours to spend the afternoon with her, where she is inconsolable even though he says they had been broken up for some time. He joked about her often and how "crazy" she was (huge red flag!) When I found out more about his past behaviour it was clear to me we had been in what he would call "overlap" - because he doesn't cheat - which I really should have realised at the time. I was off with the fairies because he had been so very honest about never having cheated! Now I actively ask about the ex after a certain time;I want to know why they split and what they have learnt from it. Talking about exes shouldn't be a taboo but it should show reflection and self awareness on their behalf.

Sorry - first sentence was meant to read "wouldn't call it a red flag" but I would ask why he often mentions her if it annoys you. That should signify you aren't keen or open the door for him to talk about her which could be helpful to give you insight.

@mcvities
I think you need to talk to him.
Ir sounds to me - in his mind he has moved on and he is just talking about his past. All of his past 30 years involved her - so anything he would say about the past would by definition involved his Ex.

So - I am sure he doesn’t realise mentioning ex makes you insecure. And you can talk about that.
You, on your end need to also figure out how to not be jealous of his past. Because - as pet above - even IF he doesn’t mention Ex specifically - anything he says about past, in your mind may bring up memories of her.
And you cant expect him to never mention his life, his experiences, etc. Especially so early on in a relationship when you don’t have joint memories yet.

If you continue dating - it may help you relax of you actually meet her. I think your insecurity lies in fear that they aren't over. And you can only fully trust it with time and seeing it with your own eyes.

Simply in the 3 years passed he hasn’t actually managed to ‘get over ‘ his ex
he’s not 100% complete
clearly and evidently

and in a few years he might be !
but are you prepared to wait around ?