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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable?

9 replies

Bexgirlie · 03/11/2023 22:31

My partner has been giving me (not anyone else) the silent treatment for days, apart from the odd dig at how i didnt do something right. I had no idea what was wrong. When he finally told me it was over something so small.

He's been stressed with work i know but i still feel hurt that he is ok not to communicate for days on end. Although he is talking to me now kind of, after having a few drinks he wants sex, and i just dont feel like it. Am I being unreasonable?

Might be another few quiet days on the cards again now too...

OP posts:
WhateverMate · 03/11/2023 22:34

This is emotional abuse.

My ex husband used to do this until I stopped cooking his dinner or doing anything at all for him while he was ignoring me.

It was only this consequence that made him stop, although I divorced him anyway because he's a prick.

LightSpeeds · 03/11/2023 22:42

Get rid of him - seriously. What an immature idiot. Is this your idea of a happy relationship...

Jessica3075 · 01/05/2024 22:12

I was constantly given the stonewalling treatment for my (often unknown to me) misdemeanours. Be very careful OP. This can have a devastating effect on you physically and emotionally, the longer it goes on. I know. I’ve been divorced for two years now and still can’t get my head around it all.

https://www.lovetopivot.com/what-being-ignored-manipulative-partner-relationship-coach/

Here’s Why You Dislike Being Ignored

Feel the sting when someone gives you the silent treatment? Discover why being ignored deeply hurts and actionable steps to cope.

https://www.lovetopivot.com/what-being-ignored-manipulative-partner-relationship-coach/

category12 · 01/05/2024 22:16

If someone wants sex, they should be kind and loving and a bit sexy, not a sulky shitebag who's been punishing you for his work stresses. Nothing less attractive than a pouting man-baby.

Jessica3075 · 01/05/2024 22:26

category12 · 01/05/2024 22:16

If someone wants sex, they should be kind and loving and a bit sexy, not a sulky shitebag who's been punishing you for his work stresses. Nothing less attractive than a pouting man-baby.

That’s it isn’t it? It’s like trying to cajole a 5yr old who’s had a tantrum and spat the dummy. My ExH was a very intelligent man but trying to resolve any issue within the marriage was impossible. All the attention was on me calming the situation down and limping along til the next time. Meanwhile, the issue (s) got bigger and bigger.

Dadjoke007 · 01/05/2024 23:01

WhateverMate · 03/11/2023 22:34

This is emotional abuse.

My ex husband used to do this until I stopped cooking his dinner or doing anything at all for him while he was ignoring me.

It was only this consequence that made him stop, although I divorced him anyway because he's a prick.

Edited

Is it?

When I think back to my married days, my wife would often give me the silent treatment (and to be fair there were times when I did too). Is that not just part of arguing as a couple. We were both stubborn and sometimes these were for big things (and tbh I probably deserved it) as well as smaller things or over nothing (which I didnt)?

WhateverMate · 01/05/2024 23:12

Dadjoke007 · 01/05/2024 23:01

Is it?

When I think back to my married days, my wife would often give me the silent treatment (and to be fair there were times when I did too). Is that not just part of arguing as a couple. We were both stubborn and sometimes these were for big things (and tbh I probably deserved it) as well as smaller things or over nothing (which I didnt)?

Show quote history

My partner has been giving me (not anyone else) the silent treatment for days, apart from the odd dig at how i didnt do something right. I had no idea what was wrong. When he finally told me it was over something so small.

Yes, it's emotional abuse.

No, it's not just part of arguing as a couple.

It's pure manipulation, designed to make the OP think long and hard about doing anything 'wrong' again.

category12 · 01/05/2024 23:14

The silent treatment is an abusive behaviour, yes.

Sometimes a person does just need a bit of time out from a situation or to stop discussing something for a while, but there's a healthy way of doing that and an unhealthy way.

Going silent and withdrawing from someone as a way of punishing them or manipulating them is usually part of a number of emotionally abusive behaviours.

Dadjoke007 · 02/05/2024 08:45

category12 · 01/05/2024 23:14

The silent treatment is an abusive behaviour, yes.

Sometimes a person does just need a bit of time out from a situation or to stop discussing something for a while, but there's a healthy way of doing that and an unhealthy way.

Going silent and withdrawing from someone as a way of punishing them or manipulating them is usually part of a number of emotionally abusive behaviours.

I guess in our time we were both guilty of that. She would often take a while to calm down over something and it was always best 'not to prod the bear', and leave it. And if it wasn't pure silence it was minimal speaking. I never thought of it as emotional abuse - it was to punish the other person for something they had done wrong. I remember she ignored me for about 3 days once, to be fair I probably deserved it!

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