AiBU with expectations.

[Baffled40]

My husband and I have 5 grown up children (3 his from a previous 2 mine we have none together) and multiple grandchildren. Every occasion/celebration I'm the one who makes all the effort with all the children and their partners etc yet when there is a celebration/event that is about my children the effort is not matched or even attempted to be matched. In fact there is always a problem one way or another. For eg; christmas coming I told husband we had been invited to my dd for Xmas lunch he responded with a sarky comment about not being welcome before (this isn't true) and that his son& family are coming to us for Christmas lunch. (No discussion about this prior) every year we arrange christmas around what his children are doing and it feels like I have to choose which is an awful situation to be in. His children can turn up whenever they like (I have no issue with this I love them) but mine can be made to feel unwelcome occasionally depending on his mood. I help my kids out with things at their houses and i get accused of being at their beck and call but he drops everything at a moments notice for his. I tried broaching the subject today but got told to move on and the conversation was ended. I was furious. We can't seem to agree on it and he can't see things from my point of view at all. Help!!!

Tell him you are going to your daughter's for xmas and he is welcome to join you. If he prefers to cook for his son you will understand.

If he is unwelcoming to your children in your home call him on it every single time.

If he complains about you helping them or whatever roll your eyes and tell him to move on, the conversation has ended.

I hope he has some good points ...

Definitely still go to your daughters as invited. He can please himself

I agree you have been invited so go. He’s decided his son is going to yours - and didn’t share that info - that’s on him:

Be upfront. Don’t ask,
you tell him your plans.

I'd be leaving the miserable bastard and I mean it. Staying with him is going to do massive damage to your relationship with your kids, and it may be irreparable.

A man who actually respects you would never, ever come between you and your children like this.

I would speak to his son and family though si he cant turn it around on you. Tell them oh your dad just mentioned you are coming here on Christmas. Im so sorry i wont be there but we had prior arrangements. Will catch up witb you all on...

Go to your dd's.

Let him sort out Christmas lunch for his kids.

He does otherwise I'd have ran years ago. This is the one fly in the ointment albeit a large fly. The funny thing is he does get along with my children they really like him it's just certains things like mentioned that can't be resolved despite me trying various ways to sort it.

You’ve been told how to sort it! Leave him to do the fry t work at home. Next year he’ll be more considerate!!

Go the day before and stay over - don’t cook shop or clean for his visitors.

The assumption here is you’ll be there to cook clean and serve his children - where as you are seeing someone returning the favour. It’s not a difficult choice.

No I won't be cooking this isn't expected of me. The cooking and cleaning isn't an issue in the slightest he more than pulls his weight in this department. Ideally I would prefer us all to be together for the day but most of the children like to be in their own homes with the little ones (understandably) for Christmas day.

Pick your dd for Christmas this time.

Your children's good-will won't last forever when they're treated as second-class/second-choice.

Then do a buffet Christmas Eve and invite everyone?

Then decide what to do christmas day.

Great suggestion. Thank you. 😊