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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Worried I'm exaggerating

13 replies

keenrunner · 03/11/2023 16:20

Sorry for the long post. I'm worried that I'm giving up on my relationship before I should and blowing things out of proportion. I tried to break up with DP a month ago and he begged me for another chance to work on things for a few months. He said we will work on the issues we both bring and see if we can get through it. I'm really struggling with this as I feel like I'm just done and everything nice he's doing feels fake. He has been as nice as possible, actually doing kind things for me, contributing to housework etc which is far from the norm. I just don't know if I can trust that this will last and that we won't be back to the same old shit like we usually are.

For background on the relationship issues:

  • He is usually very lazy around the house and helping out with puppy - he's done a bit of a U-turn on this and been out for nearly every dog walk this week.
  • He usually can't control his emotions and I feel like I walk on eggshells but I can see him catching himself on occasions when he might otherwise not. He has previously punched holes in walls during arguments when his anger gets too much and he 'sees red'.
  • He is usually very critical of most things I do (cooking, cleaning, dog stuff) and I generally feel unappreciated. The criticism has definitely cut down in the last few weeks.
  • My family and friends really dislike him however I'm worried thats because they've had to support me through the bad times and only hear about them. The only caveat to this is that there's been a few occasions around my family members where they have later commented on the way he speaks to me and that he is being controlling (with dog, spending money etc). And one incident where his Mother said to me I hate when he speaks to you like that.

Prior to the last few months I could never see myself without him but somethings changed in my head. We have good times, love to go out for good food and travel, share some similar interests and I feel he does love me. I'm just really struggling to see the good in him just now but I'm worried I'm giving up too easy and making the above issues seem like they cannot be worked through. Does the relationship sound like it's just over or are these all issues that could be worked on?

OP posts:
NigelHarmansNewWife · 03/11/2023 16:27

Ask yourself why it's only now he's doing this? Possibly because if you split up, he'll have no one exert control and make a power play over.

Oldthyme · 03/11/2023 16:27

Leopards don’t change their spots OP.

Listen to your gut. It’s your second brain.
From what you’ve written I’d say you have emotionally moved on.

It’s good to try but there might come a point where you’ve bottled up so much you burst and a huge row ensues. That would be a shame if you can avoid it.

Might be best to talk calmly with him and end it. It’s just not working for you is it?

Flipdiddle · 03/11/2023 16:27

Sounds like it is over to me OP. Sounds bloody awful to me really.

how old are you? Children?

keenrunner · 03/11/2023 16:29

@Flipdiddle I'm 32 w/ no kids, just a mortgage and dog.

Worried I'm looking for perfection that doesn't exist but then I read back what I've wrote and think even if I am exaggerating, I'm bloody miserable.

OP posts:
Pumpkinpie1 · 03/11/2023 16:31

Listen to your family and gut.
Something is wrong about this relationship
Take off those rose tinted glasses .
OP have you posted before about this man ?

Flipdiddle · 03/11/2023 16:33

keenrunner · 03/11/2023 16:29

@Flipdiddle I'm 32 w/ no kids, just a mortgage and dog.

Worried I'm looking for perfection that doesn't exist but then I read back what I've wrote and think even if I am exaggerating, I'm bloody miserable.

What you have described is so very very far from perfection op

what is your relationship history like with other men for you to possibly doubt yourself?

Ibravedaflood · 03/11/2023 16:34

Ime they can manage self control for a short time. Then the smashing starts again. Without shared dc I would have left my very similar dp much sooner..

keenrunner · 03/11/2023 16:36

@Pumpkinpie1 Thanks for the advice. I posted about a year when things were very bad yes but was not at the point of considering leaving til recently.

@Flipdiddle to be honest this is my only LT relationship, dated a few others but have had low self esteem issues from childhood abuse that I never really worked through at the time so didn't set very high standards from those I dated.

OP posts:
Pashazade · 03/11/2023 16:37

OP you've answered your own question, you're bloody miserable. That is no way to live, if there are no children involved then just leave. There's nothing worth staying for.

Flipdiddle · 03/11/2023 16:38

keenrunner · 03/11/2023 16:36

@Pumpkinpie1 Thanks for the advice. I posted about a year when things were very bad yes but was not at the point of considering leaving til recently.

@Flipdiddle to be honest this is my only LT relationship, dated a few others but have had low self esteem issues from childhood abuse that I never really worked through at the time so didn't set very high standards from those I dated.

Yes I suspected as such

OP you don’t have a benchmark

I do. And let me tell you. What you describe is appalling

Flipdiddle · 03/11/2023 16:39

Pumpkinpie1 · 03/11/2023 16:31

Listen to your family and gut.
Something is wrong about this relationship
Take off those rose tinted glasses .
OP have you posted before about this man ?

Does it ring a bell?

VeridicalVagabond · 03/11/2023 16:43

Perfection doesn't really exist OP but there is a fucking collosal gulf between the relationship you're in and anything close to perfection.

I don't think my relationship is perfect, but my biggest complaint about my husband? He leaves socks in the most fucking bizarre places. That's literally it. If he was behaving even a tenth the way your OH is behaving he'd be out on his arse.

You deserve better than someone angry, violent, critical and lazy. Please set yourself free.

keenrunner · 03/11/2023 17:14

@VeridicalVagabond thanks helpful to know that I'm not asking for too much

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