Failing to make friends

[thegoodstew]

I've got young dc. I want to have a good network of people around me to model friendships to them. I want to also be able to share thoughts, laughs, experiences with like-minded people.

I am smiley. I talk to new people. I greet people that I see everyday. I read and have many interests. I try not to take myself seriously. I am a listener. I don't ask for favours easily - am not looking at people as means to something else I want.

I think I could be a very good friend to somebody. But I don't have friends at this stage of my life. And I have tried, especially in the last couple of years, following the lockdowns.

Not sure what I am posting for. Just sat here a bit sad this morning, after a person who I was hoping could be a new friend has walked passed me, blanking me. Last year we were sat at a cafe, where I paid for her cake... She's a school mum... I realise she's got her things going on for her, and shouldn't take it too personally, but I feel like I'm failing.

OP I'm the same. After many house moves, including across countries twice in my youth, then single motherhood, I am very much left alone. I made some friends via online gaming, but one of them lives abroad and the other lives several hours' drive away, so I still don't see people in person and work is a no-go.

Not sure what to advise tbh. No one with a normal work life (assuming full time) and kids has the tie to do courses or evening classes AND still look after their kids properly AND run a household AND do their job well.

Some online friends do help, as do pets.

How old are you?

I'm the same although I'm a guy, don't know anyone in real life really and struggle to meet new people. Most people I know are friends online, I also game online that's where I found them. If you or anyone else want an online friend more than happy to chat.

Same long term sick can't afford to go out. My brother says put baby in nursery and make friends. I'm sure I will make a friendship that is good for the baby but spend my birthday alone. Even my brother can't be bothered to come round for my birthday.

Can you get out in the evening? Its hard with small kids. I used walk in evenings but mine are older. Are they school age. Coffee with school mum?

I’m the same, everyone said I would make loads of friends when my kids went to school but nope never happened!

Have you tried the parents app - peanut ?

Not sure if this is helpful but I’m an adult and I’ve made new friends in recent years…. But before that all my friends were from school/uni.

What I’ve realised is that it takes WAY longer as an adult to move people from acquaintance to ‘real friend’ so I googled and reflected. …

According to Google, it takes 50 hours of meaningful interaction to go from acquaintance to casual friend and 200 hours to transform them into a proper friend! At school I could rack up those hours in a matter of months ….as an adult, it’s way longer! Eg my gym buddies have taken a good 18 of dedicated gym class attendance with little chats before and after and I’m only just at casual friends level! Dog walking buddies friends develop faster BUT at one hour walk a week that’s 50 weeks for ‘casual’ friends! After that 50 ish hours I suspect it gets easier as you can ‘suggest’ activities without looking like your weird, so the extra hours go faster….

Now if you met me I absolutely would not be using a stop watch to judge our friendship level! But when I’ve reflected on the friends I’ve gained in recent years I think the hours have some merit to them…. And it’s helped me realise why it’s not easy making real friends as an adult. It takes time, and persistence (all balanced with that skill to not come across as a desperate weirdo - joking, sort of!)

That’s interesting Happyhamsters and it does make perfect sense.