Why do I still dream about him- ?

[LePanthere]

I married my first love when I was in my early 20s we’d been together a few years but had a throw together wedding and within months I found out he’d cheated, numerous times with numerous women. I was humiliated and heartbroken.

I left, and for a few months we still communicated, had anger sex etc etc but I was so hurt, embarrassed and broken by it, that in the end I ran away overseas and we haven’t spoken for 12 years. Never seen him, heard from him or have any clue where he is and what he’s doing now.

about eight years ago I had EMDR therapy and it really helped take the visceral emotion out of it and I psychologically moved on.

I have amazing children and an amazing partner who I love and would never change a thing…

probably a couple of times a year I have extremely vivid dreams about my ex. Always different. Sometimes we are the age we are now and watching our kids play, sometimes we’re old. Sometimes I dream of a real memory.

it knocks me off balance for days and I miss him. Smell him. wonder about him.

when I first moved away I saw a psychic and she told me that we were soulmates and that we find each other in every life. But in every life he hurts me, which is why it hurt so deeply. She said that I had to live a life where I broke the cycle by hurting him and then in the life after our souls would meet and nothing would ever come between us (now I’m inviting ridicule I know!!)

is it normal to dream of your first love and feel this longing even after so many years? If he phoned me tomorrow I’d probably hang up, but some part of me clearly won’t let go- do other people have a similar experience?

I can’t say I have a longing for my ex, but occasionally he’ll appear in my dreams and sometimes there’s a romantic element to it I guess. But, I also dream about other people that I’ve not seen for at least 10 years and have much less of a connection to. I think it’s normal to have dreams where people you’ve had experiences with are in them. Especially if there’s some bad experiences you’ve had to process.
I wouldn’t look too deeply into it to be honest and I don’t think it’s you not letting go of him. I think your brain just processes stuff when you sleep and for whatever reason on those nights that you dream about him your brain is processing something and it’s showing up in the form of your first love.

Hi Lepanthere,

I think that instead of a psychic, you'd have much more use of a therapist to help you understand these dreams.
Carl Jung said that we all dream of our shadows, which are parts of ourselves which we long for, but are too ashamed to show to the world or to ourselves.
So rather than assuming you're dreaming of your ex, maybe ask yourself which of his qualities you sometimes long for? What does he represent? What part of yourself that you haven't allowed to develop is reflected in him?
Dreams are rarely about the person we dream about, but more a reflection of the symbolic qualities these others represent.
Feel free to comment if you want to go over the dream together.

Yes I still occasionally dream about my first boyfriend, we were together for 4 years but we’re in a LDR and we’re too young and too far apart to keep it going. That was 30 years ago and I just had a dream about him the other day. Ive dated a lot and had a couple other LTR relationships and he’s the only one I dream about. Not sure if that means anything but you’re not alone. 😊

I guess this makes a lot of sense.
I handed over my heart and soul to this guy and he gave it back to me in shreds. I have never given 100% to anyone again including my current partner. There is just part of me that has learned that you don’t need to do that. Maturity too I guess.

he was also very wealthy, and provided me with a standard of living, that I enjoyed but had no responsibility for. I would just shop and party and generally not worry about life at all. I was blissfully happy and blissfully ignorant. I definitely miss that!! Since leaving him I’v built my own life and am self sufficient, which feels infinitely more rewarding but also infinitely more responsible!

These comments really help!! Thank you!

I wouldnt particularly read into anything in the dreams - I often dream about random people I went to primary school with who I'd (I thought) forgotten existed until they popped up in a dream. Our brains are strange things.

I have a similar situation. An ex boyfriend from 25 years ago, no cheating or anything we were just young and giddy and drifted apart. I dream about him every 6 months or so and feel unsettled. Recently he came back to the uk and we had a coffee together. It was so lovely and we got on so well but nothing could happen as he has a family and commitments on the other side of the world.

Maybe we will meet again at another time - who knows

Its been 27 years for me and I still dream about him. regularly.

If the psychic is true then you have hurt him by cutting contact and leaving him.
You dream of him because he was on your mind, maybe important dates like anniversary or birthdays make you think of him but then you suppress the thoughts so they leak out from you in sleep. Sorry for the gross expression!

well i kissed mine at xmas if it makes you feel any better ! We are both married with kids. An indeniable connection always between us. Absolutely zero contact in any way since, we cant… but i have dreamt of him once and synchronicity between us is off the charts.

I can really relate.

30 years ago and I still have dreams about him occasionally and that we are going to be back together.

I think the reality of it is probably very similar to you in many ways. I loved him to death and always will, but the stark truth is that he ripped me up into shreds.

I think it’s the brain subconsciously yearning for a different positive outcome, but the true reality is very different, because I do know that his way of life is exactly the same now as it was then and my life would be a misery.

I think that when someone is extremely special in a certain way, you can never replace it.