Confronting parents about their abuse

[villet]

Hi during my childhood my Muslim father was emotionally abusive to me and my Hispanic mother . He wouldn’t let her open the blinds in case the male neighbours saw her. she was 20 when she met him and he was 34 and she has a history of emotional abuse from her own father who always gave everyone the cold shoulder and was very strict.

At 17, when I told him I quit my Xmas job after a day as they ordered me around he threw a shoe up the stairs to get me. He always pushed me to be the best and was upset when I didn’t get the university course I wanted and had to study something else and would always compare to his friends kids.

later I met my husband who is a nephew of my dads friend not an arranged marriage but a “meeting was set up” to see if we liked each other.

me and my husband tried to start a new life in Scotland 6 years ago ( he has family there and I grew up there) but after 2 years in Scotland my parents begged us to return to England to be near their grandkids with the promise of help babysitting etc that never really transpired only a couple of times .

i was diagnosed Aspergers aged 27 and my dad at age 65.

a few months ago I told dad about all this and he gaslighted me and said those things never happened and called me ungrateful and disrespectful and blocked me for a few weeks. My brother has boundaries with them and rarely calls or visits although growing up he had more freedom he was allowed to visit parties , clubs and have a relationship before marriage.

fast forward now he is dealing with my sleeping pill addicted mother who sleeps all day but when she does wake he demands that we visit to “cheer her up” by seeing the kids of my brother or mine . She smokes albeit outside - I don’t like visiting as he clothes smell of tobacco . And she’s always been hot headed and neurotic she can explode and shout over minor things. My dad is late 60s and she is mid 50s.

I’m currently pregnant and would like to move and rent somewhere far away where they won’t be able to visit me but husband would have to stay here and try to sell the house.

I remember being 7-8 and my having my mum confide in me all her marital problems
I remember getting stomach butterflies which I look back and must have been anxiety

he slapped her when I was about 9 after she made fun of him. His own mother was 15 when she married my 40 year old grandad and was illiterate though he had great respect for his mother.

they have always verbally argued in front of us , slammed doors and I remember being 12-13 and begging them not to split up.

Have you had any counselling to try to deal with your childhood?
I agree moving away may help you feel better. You can choose the level of contact you have if any.
Have you spoken to your brother about e we hat happened?
You can confront them but it's unlikely they will respond in a way that you would want them to.

I agree with pp, I would think you would be better served by some quality professional help with dealing with the ongoing trauma of your childhood experiences. I would advise against challenging parents in the circumstances you describe as the risk of further abuse is very high.

My childhood circumstances were different but equally damaging. I’ve got health issues, which apparently are a physical result of the resulting cPTSD I didn’t realise I had. My GP referred me for post trauma CBT but when I spoke to the NHS counselling service they felt I was at risk of re-traumatising myself with that option and offers EMDR. It’s was amazing and has changed my life. Reached deep into the parts of my hurt that previous private counselling I had tried on and off in the past hadn’t got close to resolving for me.

Move . Somethings can’t be fixed