should i just call it a day for both of our sakes?

[whengodwasarabbit1]

we have three childen together, but haven't lived together for 7 years. our youngest dd is 3. He lives a nomadic lifestyle that suits him and in lots of ways is a very kind and connected man. the problem is he isnt very connected to me.
He has said that he doesnt want a conventional relationship, although he tells me he loves me and is very loving when he has a drink, which is often. I adore him and my eldest 2 adore him too. Our youngest is wary of him. As it stands, we see each other at weekends, i go and stay at his when he has the kids and we often sleep together. Our sex life is fairly good and we have good conversation and it's nice, certainly for me, and i think, for both of us. The difficulty is he has said he finds commitment very difficult, and, although he is not sleeping around as far as i am aware, he has made it fairly clear that he would like to find someone more mature and better suited to him than i am. I am 10 years his junior. I too am a bit of a loner and probably have my own commitment issues, but i wish we could live together, and have a more conventional relationship. He has had a difficult upbringing without much love from either parent. he honestly is a really nice man. I do most of the child rearing. When i was pregnant with our youngest we had an argument and split up - he had a relationship with another women for 6 months (our baby was about 6 months old). In lots of ways that broke me - i just couldn't imagine moving on. I wasn't clingy during that period and stayed pretty strong, focusing on the kids. The other woman actually helped him through his drinking and mental health problems and she was nice. I tried to Tinder date, and although i could have slept with a few guys i didn't want to, because i really really like this man. he says sometimes he has strong feelings for me and at other times he has very little feelings towards me. because of this i have learnt over the years to emotionally disconnect from him, i am very aware that i cannot let myself by hurt in the same ways that i have been hurt in the past because I have three children who rely on me and i need to provide them with stability and love. i need to be there for them because they are the ones that are there for me and have got me through the many hard times in my life.
This post sounds unhinged and like im a thicko. I promise that IRL i'm not. I live on my own day to day and like it most of the time, although im a bit lonely. I have a job i love although it pays very little and I rely on UC top ups. I love working and being useful to others, and i read and and dance around the kitchen with my gorgeous kids at night. I have no family where i live, but i like my own company. AIBU to stay in this relationship? Or should i accept that cultural norms dont apply to us all and let him see other women (maybe even try and see other men?) I dont want to play games, only do what my heart tells me. can anyone help?

I obviously don’t know you OP but your post makes you sound kind and just nice. He on the other hand sounds like a bit of an arse.

The line that really stood out to me in your post was: “he says sometimes he has strong feelings for me and at other times he has very little feelings towards me”. This isn’t treating you with love or respect. It’s treating you like shit.

Also, having an open relationship (“Or should i accept that cultural norms dont apply to us all and let him see other women (maybe even try and see other men?”) is absolutely fine if it’s what you both want. BUT it doesn’t sound like it’s what you want. Don’t do it to appease him.

Only you know what the right thing is for you but I couldn’t stand it. He wants to have his cake and eat it and I’d be gone.

He's still the kids dad so they'll still get to see him. You've basically got yourself an ex plus FWB right now. I think you should split and give yourself the chance to find a nice guy who actually is there for you and consistent in your life.

thank you so much both of you for replying. its really helpful to get a bit of an outside perspective. thanks for being so kind.

It sounds like you want different things. Neither of you are right or wrong but that’s where the incompatibility is.

You have 3 children with someone who isn’t sure how he feels about you. I think you’re hanging on for something that isn’t going to happen.

Imho he’s having his cake and eating it to the detriment of you. Pretty much FWB as the pp said.

Your kids have a loving stable home with you, and if you split up, that won’t change because you don’t live together anyway.

Go find someone who is sure about how they feel about you, and who wants the same things.

Take him out of the picture. What do you want? Do you want a more conventional relationship? A partner who wants to commit to you? Can you truthfully say you are one hundred percent happy with the current set up?

I can see this playing out that he will sleep with other women if he isn't already. He'll form a relationship with one and eventually bin you off, while all of your self esteem has been torn to shreds.

You sound lovely, you’ve clearly put a lot of thought into his perspective. Focus on you and your needs please, doesn’t sound like he will!
I agree with the consensus above that you deserve better and your kids deserve stability x

I think it m8ght drive me a bit mad if someone was in my space 24/7, especially if that wasn't the dad of the children, and they wanted us to live a certain way - as it's just been mainly me and the kids for so long anyone coming in and judging me letting the kids have an extra treat or extra time on the ipad would be hard, although I know that would be kind of fair. I think I probably need to think about what I truly do want for us all. Thank you all of you for your input x

Op,

He is having his cake and eating it, he gets to love his free life Monday to Friday whilst your taking care of his children, then at weekends when he does see his children you are also there to pick up the slack.

He won't commit to you, he's made that very clear and you sound like such a lovely person and you deserve so much better.

One thing I will say, I spent 9 years as a single parent. I was adamant, 100% I would never live with anyone ever again,

I now live with my Dp, I think your opinion on living with someone may well change when you find a nice partner. That you deserve

He doesn’t treat you well, he has an alcohol problem, the sex is only “fairly” good, he basically tells you that you’re not a priority in his life, and your youngest child is wary of him (that last point really stood out and is concerning). Sorry @whengodwasarabbit1 but this is a terrible relationship. It isn’t about cultural norms, it’s about what’s right for you, and this really isn’t it. This relationship isn’t making you happy and never will. He doesn’t value you enough. You’re settling for much less than you’re worth.

You can do much better. Setting yourself free from him and being single for a while would give you breathing space to consider the next steps in looking for a relationship.

There is a kind of cruelty in him saying he is holding out for another woman. How dare he!!! You are worth more than this. I understand you saying you couldn't live with another man and that is probably wise for the children too but you could meet someone who treats you properly and puts you first without living with him until your children are grown. By going with your dc at the weekends you are doing absolutely all the child rearing and he is doing dam all. He takes no responsibility and has the cheek to put you down at the same time. Living apart is not the issue it's him putting you in that down place all the time . That is soul destroying. Fact is he needs you and probably depends on you but is being horrible not to commit to you.

As a PP has said, and open relationship can work, but only if that’s actually what you want. And it doesn’t sound like you do.

If you were actually happy with the setup you’ve currently drifted into (sex when he wants it, no commitment, strings you along, will shag around when he feels like it) then you wouldn’t be posting on here.

I also think your youngest’s ‘wariness’ is something you should look into. Not suggesting his Dad is abusive to him/her but there’s clearly something she/he doesn’t like and you should find out what that is.

This. I’m sorry OP but he treats you with absolute contempt. You would be so much better off alone. What an arsehole.

Does this prince of a man pay anything towards his childrens upkeep ?

He doesn’t sound like a nice man to me, OP. He really doesn’t.

OP, I think we need more information. Did you live together until 7 years ago? What happened to change that? What do you mean when you say he’s ‘nomadic’? What was the thought process behind having children with someone who’s averse to commitment and not that keen on you — especially your three year old, who must have been conceived long after you stopped living together?

Op he doesn’t sound very nice at all.

He doesn’t want a conventional relationship. But is happy with the conventional ‘women doing all the hard’ work set up. That’s ok.

He doesn’t have the kids alone. Because when they go to his. So do you.

He is happy to keep gathering children without actually taking any responsibility for them. How much actual parenting does he do?

He is completely emotionally hurting you. Pulls you close, pushes you away.

making sure he gets everything he wants. Sex, someone to be there when he wants it, children with no responsibility and so on.

You are unhappy. This is making commitment issues any better. You have had to emotionally distance yourself from him so he can’t cause you more pain. But then turn up to his with the kids and provide him sex and a short term family experience. You aren’t sure he isn’t sleeping with other women.

This man is no good for you. He has built a life where his life, your life and your kids lives revolve around what’s good for him and his wants. At the expense of you and the kids.

He really doesn’t sound like a decent father and as others have said your youngest being ‘wary’ is a concern. You don’t say how old you are just the age difference but be careful you don’t drift on and on and then find yourself caring for an older ‘partner’ with health and alcohol issues.
you sound lovely and deserve more in a relationship (if you want one)
all the best

It sounds like you need to work on your self esteem because you deserve a lot better than being someone's option

You recognise that stability and love are important for your children but why don't you think it’s good enough for you. You are making up the shortfall of his nomadic (irresponsible?) lifestyle. I think he has convinced you that this is sufficient by manipulating you into feeling sorry for his difficult upbringing. Lots of people have difficult childhoods and as a result commit to ensuring their own families have what they lacked. This man is very clever but I think you know deep down he is like this because he chooses to be like that not because he can’t do better. He sounds quite selfish.

What a prize he is.
Does he pay for his kids? He’s not a nice, kind man, he’s a dickhead & a user. He can hold out for a more mature woman who ‘gets’ him til the cows come - it’s likely women his own age run a mile from the feckless deadbeat alcoholic & his ‘nomadic’ lifestyle.

Sounds to me like you have some issues around commitment yourself and wanting to be with a man who doesn't want you keeps you safe from having relationships with other people who might want to have a traditional committed relationship which could lead to you having to change or compromise or address your issues.

You could stay stuck in this loop for years til he realises he’s washed up & no one wants him, then you’ll be expected to become a grateful carer for an over the hill fuckboy with erectile dysfunction, saggy balls & a knackered liver.

Is that really all you are worth?

So this man cheated on you when you were pregnant/had a newborn baby, uses you for sex and flits between saying he has strong feelings for you and barely any feelings at all?

Even if I was in a casual/friends with benefits relationship with someone, their feelings towards you shouldn't flit between existing and non existent day to day. That's a complete red flag that the person is messed up emotionally to be honest. A grown man can't figure out his feelings towards the mother of his 3 kids?

I'm sorry but this is a really unhealthy situation. I think you should end things completely (doesn't sound like he'd be bothered?) and focus on yourself and your children.

Therapy for yourself to identify the reasons why you'd accept this kind of behaviour in a man for so long, or you'll end up doing it again.

Thank you everyone, this has been a bit like what i imagine a group women's therapy session is like.
I know I need to bin him off. I think it's time.
The lovely poster who said I'm holding back because I'm scared of real relationships is right. I grew up with huge amounts of male violence so I guess the bar with men isn't very high. Thanks again

Oh OP, this is actually so sad. He's a horrible man, not a nice man at all. He's using you as sex and childcare.

I have to ask - does he contribute in any way outside of the weekends when you and the kids go over to his (where he gets sex, someone to do the heavy lifting with the kids and I'd put money on you cooking/cleaning etc while you're there?) Does he pay you maintenance? Does he do anything else for the DC?

He's horrible and the sooner you consider him nothing more than your DC's father, the better. Get contact sorted out properly and send the DC to him to look after without you. Get CMS sorted so you get some financial support. Then go and find a nice man for yourself.

I know it’s hard. But you don’t want your kids growing up with the same low bar for men.

Whether your kids are male or female, they need to learn to expect better.