How do I react to this projection. I hate confrontation.

[howtoreact]

dh and I woke this morning and ended up rowing over something stupid. He literally lost it with me. (It was over something he hadn’t done. I was fine with it but he kicked off, probs through guilt and embarrassment).

he stormed off to work and that was that. However he has ghosted me for the day. Normally that’s fine if we don’t speak or text as we both are really busy. But today with the storm, I’d have expected him to keep in touch as he was in driving in 90mph winds.

Instead he went silent on me.

he came home from work and hasn’t said a word. Stone walled me. I’ve left him to it so it didn’t empower him.
To make it worse, tonight he became vile.
I caught him being really horrid to my dog, talking like crap and then pushed her. So I pulled him up on it. Told him that he was being out of order. He flipped. Really verbally abusive. I think because he was caught out.
my kids were in ear shot so I told him to stop. He walked into my bedroom where I was and smiled, clapped, then put the v’s up to me.

now I know this sounds pathetic. But it was the cold calm visual figure in front of me that’s upset me. Words can fly but this was meant.
I got upset to which he told me i was a schizophrenic. He said one minute I’m ok then next upset. This hurt.

ive not said a word since. We are both in bed and he’s now snoring next to me.

im just left feeling horrid. All of this because he forgot to do something and is projecting onto me.

Please don’t say ltb. But what can I do and how should I react tomorrow when we wake up??

Not dad ?

Argument about?

History of this behaviour?

He’s my husband of 25 years. His teen children.
yes history. But as I’m getting older, I’m becoming more aware of what’s actually happening. And this is becoming more alarming.
id always just let it happen. But I don’t want to be treated like this anymore. What can I do in terms of my reactions?? So as to diffuse it and also stay empowered and strong.

So he was cruel to your dog, verbally abusive to you in earshot of your DC and deeply unpleasant to you in your bedroom but we haven’t to say LTB ?

Resentment kills any relationship. Doesn't matter how empowered you are, you can be Beyonce with millions in the bank, when your husband's a twat he's a twat and it has nothing to do with you. Empower yourself by being happy. He punished you for setting boundaries.

Not surprising you got upset, flicking the v at you after clapping was showing an immense lack of respect. The silent treatment is equally disrespectful, as for taking his mood out on a defenceless animal. Well, tbh I'd lose all respect for a man who behaves that way. I'd find it impossible to want to find a way to massage his ego enough to get him to feel good. That is probably what he wants, you to apologise and suck up. Wouldn't be happening from me.
You avoid arguing by not entertaining it as it takes 2 to argue.
He'd most likely get the silent treatment from me too, and a whole lot less help with anything. If he's not interacing then he's on his own - which includes washing and cooking.
You can chose to stick with the relationship, then you might get a slow death of it by a thousand cuts, until you disengage completely, and cease to care what he does. Or you could suggest counselling to find a way to better communication, if he refuses, nowhere to go really.

He sounds like a really selfish, nasty bloke.

He will become nastier if you no longer allow him to get away with it.

Well, you’re choosing to stay with a self centred abusive shithag and let your kids live in an environment where they see their father treating their mother like something he’s scraped off his shoe. What do you want us to stay? You can’t control his actions, only your own.

caught him being really horrid to my dog, talking like crap and then pushed her.

There’s a link between dv and animal cruelty. I dread to think what he does to her when he’s alone.

I finally left my stbxh after a longer marriage than yours.

I finally left because he thought he could rage at me anytime he liked. For a long time, I faked it. I didn’t argue with him or question or refuse anything. I didn’t take him to task for anything, but I sort of knew we were one big row from a divorce. Then I broke one day, and that was that. He says he didn’t see it coming, but he had been treating me like dirt on his shoe for years.

If you don’t want your marriage to go like mine, then you will need to be proactive. How about sending a text, leave a note for him saying that you don’t want to have another day like yesterday. Can you both set a time to discuss calmly what happened.

It’s important to not rehash the argument, but I suppose try and work out why it suddenly became a big row. It’s likely you will benefit from professional help, perhaps privately each first. He (and possibly you), need to learn how to communicate without becoming instantly angry.

In hindsight my marriage failed because a propensity on my ex’s part to be both selfish and defensive escalated when I withdrew from him due to my resentment at his behaviour. He became more angry and defensive because he thought he was fulfilling his part of the marriage - to earn money, but fuck all else, and I tried putting in some boundaries (no I didn’t want to go to the pub and get shitfaced with him - I’d stopped drinking), plus I preferred getting on with my own stuff.

It is difficult to put certain images out of your head as you say. Mine is my husband screaming in my face “I hate you, I hate you”.

You don’t say what age you are, but menopause certainly made a difference. I stopped being such a chuffing mug and started standing up for myself. That turned out well!!

Hope tomorrow is better.

I caught him being really horrid to my dog, talking like crap and then pushed her.
and not say ltb? what would it take for you to leave? pushing you?
Kick this vile piece of shit to the kerb

You can't placate him. He's abusive, and there are no magic words or ways of dealing with their behaviour that makes a person not abusive. Leaving them is literally the only option if you don't want to live with it anymore.

People don't just default to "LTB" for no reason. It is usually genuinely the best course of action.

I know it doesn't feel like an option to even consider leaving when you've been together so long, but just by staying in this relationship you're communicating to him that his behaviour is acceptable. It's not enough to tell him his behaviour is unacceptable when your actions say otherwise.

As I said there are no magic words. There's no reasoning with men like that. Nothing you can say that will finally get through to them and realise what they're doing. He knows what he's doing and it's working for him so he isn't going to stop. Simple as. It's not what you want to hear but your options are to leave or to accept this is the way he is.

Get rid OP life is too short

You have asked us not to say LTB, but why not? How is he enhancing your life in any way, let alone your dogs or your childrens lives? Also what kind of example is he setting the kids about how his wife and pets should be treated?
He is not going to get any better so why not make a decision and become strong and empowered without him! What are your reasons for staying?

Poor dog and poor kids. You need to leave.

Can I ask…. If whenever I say why I’m upset, and he throws back ‘so am I!’ Or ‘me too!’ How will I ever ever get a conversation whereby he listens to me. He’s hurting me daily by his actions but then always projects or deflects.

I don’t know if you don’t want to leave him you could try counselling but he sounds like an arse beyond saving. I’d just get on with your life and so absolutely nothing for him ever again. Find yourself a hot friend with benefits to take your mind off it.

It does dispirit me when I read accounts of male behaviour by women who really should leave the partner/husband, but won't, and just turn a blind eye to everyone saying 'leave him', and come back asking 'how can I smooth it over?'

Why can't you leave him? If you don't want to do it for yourself you should do it so your children don't need to live in such an awful environment.

They are learning that this is normal so if you have boys they will be learning it's normal for men to verbally abuse their partners and any girls will be learning that the thing to do is put up with it.

If you won't leave him then you stay, suffer, and get progressively more and more miserable, and your children get to watch him reduce their mother to a shell of who she once was.

Men like him don't change, and why on earth do you think anything you could do would change him? He doesn't respect or like you at all, why would he want to change for you?

The only sensible advice is LTB. There's no cure for being a cunt.

He's horrible you don't deserve this and I think you should leave him you'd be happier single than living with someone who treats you like this x

You cannot change YOU to fix HIM.

Op, if I said to you, my husband shouts and swears at me, in earshot of my children. That he does the same to my dog and pushes it around. That he is generally aggressive and always has been...how can I change my actions and reactions so that he doesn't behave like this?
What would you say?

Probably - 'what the heck do you mean? You're living with an abusive dickhead. You don't deserve any of this and nor do your kids or your dog. Just get out of there!'

Right?
So why don't you think you are worthy of that same advice?
Why do you think you should have to stay when no one else should?
Don't you belive you deserve a life free from abuse? And if you don't...don't you at least belive your kids deserve to live a life free from hearing their mother and their pet being abused?

You matter.
You can't fix him. Women are not rehab for damaged men. Get out of there.

You don't 'make him do it'.
Abusers want you to think you can change you to fix them. You cannot. It's not your fault and you cannot fix it. Just go.

Try reading 'Why does he do that?' By Lundy Bancroft. If you are struggling for money you can get it as a free pdf if you Google. You don't need to read it cover to cover, you can just skip through and pick up on anything that's relevant to you. Probs available as an audio book too, if you prefer that.