How to rebuild a sibling relationship without going LC/NC

[Cheepcheepcheep]

I have a 3yo and a 1yo. MIL is far away. My DPs are near but DDad is very unwell and they can’t do any childcare. DSis (only sibling on either side) is young/healthy etc and lives 15 mins walk or 4 mins drive away. She also works 5 mins walk away.

It’s been a fucking hard few years. Struggled for a year to get pregnant with DS (now 3) and that was heavy going. DSis wasn’t terribly supportive during that time. To be fair, she was in a very different place, no experience of the trials of TTC. We’ve always been close and I wasn’t leaning on her heavily but a few times when I told her I was having a hard time (over a drink or lunch or whatever) she told me ‘sorry, but I don’t want to hear about this’. She is fairly ‘avoidant’ and doesn’t like serious conversations. Fair enough, I just didn’t confide much in her about our struggles after that. She was delighted for us when we shared that we were pregnant.

Fast forward, had DS and we were in lockdown. Obviously she was very limited in what she could do to help but it was a very hard time and very isolating.

Got pregnant with DD when DS was 1 - was a complete surprise, we had been trying to prevent but obviously not hard enough as it had been such a trial to get DS.

When DD was born I had 2 under 2 and it was a nightmare. I was diagnosed with a couple of fairly crap autoimmune conditions and also developed post natal depression off the back of no sleep and exhaustion (and in all honesty, probably some left over issues from DS’s mat leave). DH was made redundant a week before Liz Truss’ ‘budget’ and there was a point where we thought we might lose the house. At the time I wasn’t thinking about support (frankly I wasn’t thinking about much, I was hallucinating fairly regularly due to the sleep thing) but DSis did and said nothing. She would pop over occasionally for a tea and I would sob in the kitchen while jiggling baby in a sling and feel awful about DS stuck in front of the TV - she never offered to help at all despite the fact I was clearly in a MH crisis. Fwiw I did ask her a few times to take the kids so I could rest but there was always a reason why she couldn’t.

DSis and her DP are now struggling to conceive and she has distanced herself enormously from us (I get it is horrible being around kids when you want your own but surely she wants a relationship with her nephew/niece), we don’t really talk ‘properly’ now despite her being around the corner. This is so hard given we were always so close.

Things are getting slowly better for us and I’m on medication for my PND and trying to find some help for my other conditions. But things are so hard with DH and I - we never have any time together and the kids still sleep terribly. I’m also back at work and I’m crushed with exhaustion, as well as having to juggle consultant appts with babies as there isn’t a second in the working week where I don’t have children or work. I have been (imo) supportive of her fertility issues, driven her to appointments when helpful etc.

She and her DP hadn’t ever looked after both DC for us until a few weeks ago when they had them for one night so we could go to an event. She’s now said she won’t look after them again as it’s too hard and if they start IVF soon it’s going to be too much obligation. I totally get they have no obligation, but I can’t believe someone I was so close with would see me struggle like this. I’d do anything to help if she was going through this and I’m continuing to do anything I can.

Maybe it’s the fact I’m coming out of the PND, maybe it’s resentment about the difference between support when TTC, maybe it’s me being a jealous twat about her ‘cosy nights in’ when I’m still exhausted - or maybe I’m just being a bitch. Whatever the reason, I’m holding so much resentment towards her at the moment. If I saw she was struggling I would do anything in my power to help, I love her, she’s my sister. In all honesty I don’t want anyone to tell me I need to pay for childcare (made my peace with that now!) or that I can’t expect someone to take care of my kids and I chose to have them. But it’s not good for our relationship for me to resent her, and it’s upsetting my parents. I love her and I want to let this go.

I guess I’m just asking - how does anyone get over resentment without having a blazing row? I feel so let down that she hasn’t been there for me, and the standard advice would be ‘withdraw/go LC’ but I don’t want to. I want to rebuild things. And I want to support her through a really tough time, I’ve been there and she has a much harder time to come. But how do I do that?

Could you possibly uncentre yourself in her life I can’t believe someone I was so close with would see me struggle like this from your post it doesn't seem you care at all about anything she's dealing with and are just having a strop that she's not offering you child care as you expect?

Actually re read your post as thought I'd been harsh, but you're right with maybe l’m just being a bitch.
You are, you're having a temper tantrum that you and your baby sitting needs aren't being prioritised by other people, and the aspect of it affecting your parents your level of strop makes me think you're the golden child used to having everyone placate you which is why your sister making herself no1 not you is such a drama.

I think the thing is that it takes two people to rebuild. If she's not in a place to do that, then it can't be done. You can't build a house without all the foundations being in place.

But you can do a bit of mending all by yourself - whether that's your own health or boundaries, or putting a bit of gas into the shared tank. Can you meet her by yourself for a walk and a coffee? Or just make a mental note to send her a message every now and then about something that you both share?

You don't have to go 'oh, I'm going LC with you, ya cow'. You can just bumble along for a bit and see how things go.

I don't think you're being a bitch by the way, I think she hasn't really shown up for you. But also you maybe haven't shown up for her. Navigating changes can be really hard.

OP

Prior poster is harsh I think.
I think part of the way you look at this is due to how hard your life is right now.
Start sleep training your children, and things will probably change then.

@SeulementUneFois op is complaining because her sister won't give her free childcare, and stating that she's being so obvious in her resent of her sister for this it's affecting their parents.
Do you honestly think because the sister has no dc as yet she has to be available to op whenever?

It's not just about free childcare. Read the post.

She's been emotionally unavailable to the OP for years. Wouldn't provide even moral support during TTC for OP let alone practical support. She literally wouldn't even listen politely while OP said she was having a hard time.

The sister didn't intervene when OP was having a MH crisis.

She's not a great sister and that's really disappointing. OP is allowed to feel sad about that.

OP, you've been through a lot and I think you should let yourself feel your feelings about it all. It might be that some of your anger is misdirected onto your sister (for example, was she the only person who missed how much you were struggling with two under two post lockdown? Did your DH for example step up as he should have?) you might feel angry at your situation or what you went through rather than any one person. Or maybe she deserves it all, who knows? But give yourself time rathe than blow up with her now.

It's fine to step back. You can't repair a relationship on your own, and your sister has bigger fish to fry at the moment.

It's fine to say you won't be driving her to appointments anymore because you don't feel that your help is reciprocated. But otherwise I'd leave it

You keep saying you were so close but when? When were you "so close" because NOTHING in your post indicates a closeness.

You have a cup of tea together and if the conversation moves beyond light stuff she withdraws from you.

You are NOT close. You need to stop kidding yourself and imagining those close, loving relationship that just isn't there because you are going to get hurt over and over again.

My advice would be to let it all settle for a bit. I feel like my family have been rubbish the last few years but I have recently seen them a bit more and it has been much better. Time brings perspective, and children grow up a bit so it all gets easier.

Be there for her if you can,but also just don't force something. Have you got other social things in your life? Friends etc?

Take childcare out of the equation. I’ve never assumed my DB would do any, and if she’s taken two very small children overnight, that’s a lot (which you are clearly ungrateful for).

Just see her 121 and chat? Lockdown was difficult for everyone in different ways, so please don’t resent her for not doing what you wanted when she was probably struggling herself.

You need to decide whether you want to move past the current resentment and move on to a different kind of relationship with her.

You can do that without a big confrontation or clearing the air chat with her which it sounds like you won't get. I do wonder if/when she has a child she might have a better understanding of how much you had been struggling but I wouldn't count on it.

It's lovely when families are supportive and are involved with each others lives and their children if that's what you want but it can't be expected. She doesn't have to offer to look after your kids or offer other help if she doesn't want to.
I hate it when people expect things out of duty. Why would you want people to do things with/for you because they feel they have to. Surely that won't feel good?

I agree it doesn't sound as if you were very close. Respect her boundaries.

Keep working on yourself.

If your kids are in childcare ask one of the nursery staff about babysitting.

op you have my sympathies. You’re in the tough part of parenting small babies. I almost didn’t survive that stage and sleep exhaustion is the reason I would NEVER even consider a third child. It’s a real slap round the face when you realise in the hardest time in your life that you actually have very few people willing to help you when you most need it.

I have no idea how you let go of resentment. I hold a lot of resentment over my DH for how little help he was when our children were Tony. Still now 5/6 yes lagers I think of it….basically it was a very tough time where I realised that he wasn’t the supportive partner I thought he was. Nothing tests a relationship like children or going through difficult periods with mental health.

Personally I think if you want a relationship with her you need to accept her for who/how she is. Sounds like she just isn’t someone, for whatever reason, who is able to emotionally or practically support you in the way you want. Lower you expectations, or be more realistic in your expectation of what you get from the relationship. Maybe she is a sister you can have a nice chat with in a cafe once a week but not a sister who will be a great aunt to your kids and love them like her own. Finally I think stop breaking your back to be there for her if it leads to resentment. She’s said no about childcare for you and you can say no and have boudaries about what you do for her.

Then you can move on and try to focus on the relationship you actually have rather than the one you wish you had with her.

I think you two aren't close. That's okay. Not all siblings are close. You don't have to 'go LC/NC' (that's a conscious choice to cut someone out of your life, which seems a bit flippant here). There is no huge falling out. You are just different people in different places in life.

Frankly, I would never in a million years expect a sibling to help me with childcare. I mean, I guess it's nice if they offered maybe, and if you want to take them up on it. But dh and I are really close to BIL/SIL. They have had dc for one night ever (that was last year when dc were 10 & 5!). We had children and it's our job to look after them. Yes, I'll say it. If we need childcare, we accept we have to pay for it. If we need support, we reach out to friends. We find people who are in the same place in life, with small children, to commiserate with or to trade off playdates with so we get a break. I'm not really a believer in its family's responsibility to provide this level of practical support, unless they really desire to and seek it out. But truly, I wouldn't expect a childfree friend or family member to get it either. I wouldn't have before I had children. You probably wouldn't have either.

I think, and I say this kindly, that you probably need to take care of yourself first. If you are struggling with PND, try something new that might help. If you need a break, your dh, who probably has not had to carry the same weight as you, needs to step in to give it to you. Give your sister some space. She's going through her own stuff. Keep the lines of communication open. Ask to meet her for lunch/coffee (without kids) or go to visit your DPs together and have a chat on neutral territory. Just take the pressure off. You both sound like you're going through a lot.

I really appreciate everyone posting. I’m taking it all on board and tbh even the posts telling me I’m being a twat are useful.

I tried to make it clear this isn’t ‘I want some childcare for the kids I chose to have waah.’ I think essentially it’s just the lack of support (of any kind) that has been so hard and the last few years have brought it to a head.

I think the LC/NC reference was a bit flippant of me. I was just trying to work out how I balance my ongoing desire to support her with my ongoing sadness about the fact our relationship doesn’t look how I wanted. DH (who by the way is amazing and as exhausted as me!) said last night it was a bit (Frozen reference!) Anna (me) and Elsa (her) and I sort of see that.

Im going to be honest, I feel a bit tailspun by the ‘you’re not close’ comments and it’s giving me a lot of food for thought. Pre my kids I would have always said we were, but with hindsight that’s me helping her with job opportunities, letting her crash at mine when she split with her partner, etc. Maybe it is all because it’s been so one way and I hoped it would work in the opposite direction when I hit a bad time. To the PP who said it sounds like I’m the golden child - I promise I’m not. Mum and sis are exactly the same, conflict avoidant, they entrench together when DDad and I want to thrash things out, it’s very even if dysfunctional.

I’ve been thinking about it today and I think the issue is that she sort of sees me as an extension of our parents. We’ve all sort of let her be the baby (DDad got ill when she was young and I was older so mum and dad were distracted and I tried to be a consistent type figure - also worth noting our dad was at points EA and I would protect her from that). I wouldn’t ever expect my kids to make room for me in their lives, I just sort of thought we might have a more equal relationship as adults.

I really appreciate the advice that I just need to step back. I think that’s what I was getting at re LC/NC. It’s just very sad. DH thinks I need to cut my losses too, but he doesn’t have a sibling and I always hoped we’d be close when the shit hit the fan. Is there such a thing as a fair weather sibling? I don’t know. Just really sad. Don’t want to disappoint my parents by not continuing our (now wondering if it was real) closeness. Want my kids to have an active auntie. Want to support her in her hard times because I adore her. What a mess.

Oh god. Maybe dad being EA is the one. When we were kids I used to get her into a room so she couldn’t hear when he was yelling at mum. I’d lock us in the bathroom and sing her songs and stuff so she couldn’t hear the fighting. Is it ludicrously wet blanket/pseudo psychology to wonder if that’s why things are as they are? She expects so much of me and our relationship is so one-way?

Maybe time for a bit more therapy when I can afford it.