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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He’s “too tired” to talk to me

21 replies

OK2023 · 02/11/2023 21:21

By the time we finish work, make dinner and put my two-year-old daughter to bed, it’s around 8:30pm. My husband tends to go to bed around 9:00 / 9:30pm. So really we have less than an hour of the day in which to talk one-one-one without a toddler crawling on us.

I look forward to this time but the second we are finally sat on the sofa together, he’s there with the remote in hand, ready to not even look at me until we go to bed and do it all again.

If I try and talk, he’ll get annoyed and say he’s had a long day and he doesn’t have the energy for it ie. me.

Since when is talking to your spouse such a chore?

I’ve had to insist on my “two minutes of eye contact” which started as a joke but it’s genuinely something I do to try and break through the wall.

But every time he moans and sighs, it’s like I’m asking him to clean out the toilets.

I’ve had a particularly horrible week, where my Dad’s relationship is breaking down and I may be about to lose my job. And even trying to talk just enrages him and I go to bed alone.

He finds talk exhausting but I don’t know how else one is supposed to maintain a relationship

OP posts:

YikYok · 02/11/2023 21:25

Is he an introvert? He may be genuinely exhausted from being round people all day and then facing a really intense conversation at night.

My dh and I get up early — I wake aaround 5am and my dh around 6.15m so we both have about 30-45mins together before the kids surface.

Or, why don’t you go to bed with him t 9pm, snuggle and see if you can lure him into a sleepy conversation then?

YikYok · 02/11/2023 21:27

PS I am really sorry you re having a crappy week. I meant to say that in my original post. Plus - some men just are not great talkers. I remember my DH saying to me “I can’t be your best friend - you’ll need someone else for that stuff “ and he was right. I didn’t like it. But he was right - he couldn’t be that person for me.

Ilovelurchers · 02/11/2023 21:29

I can see that you are upset, and it must be hard. I don't mean this unkindly. But also if my partner tried to insist I gave them two minutes of eye contact I would find that really stressful and unpleasant, I must admit.

The conversation will only be fun and rewarding if it feels like that for you both.

Original poster

OK2023 · 02/11/2023 21:37

Thanks @YikYok . Yes he’s an introvert. He doesn’t like talking much generally.

I don’t really insist on two mins eye contact, it’s kind of a joke between us because basically I feel like all I see is the side of his head all day. Five seconds would be nice. One sentence.

I try and make space for his need for peace, but what about my needs as a person who unwinds by talking? Sometimes I feel we are incompatible :(

OP posts:

Original poster

OK2023 · 02/11/2023 21:44

I actually think he might be depressed . I don’t know how to get through to him though

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 02/11/2023 23:17

It doesn't sound like you're having your needs met at the moment, I'm not sure what to suggest apart from talk about it but that will be difficult!

ShutTheDoorBabe · 02/11/2023 23:33

How would being physically close with him work? Sitting close enough to hold hands or snuggle in to each other and just be together without needing words? Sometimes I think the emotion has to be there before the words.

CherryMyBrandy · 02/11/2023 23:41

YikYok · 02/11/2023 21:27

What is the point of a partner (male or female) if you can't talk to each other, be each other's main confidant, and have each other's backs, which you can't do if you don't know what's going on with the other person. You are just two people who don't know each other living in the same space and possibly occasionally having sex! I would divorce my husband if he said that to me, not to be vengeful but I would see literally no point to the relationship if we couldn't talk about anything and everything (albeit I do get a bit bored sometimes when he goes on about tennis, but I think I can be forgive for that! 😂). I can't feel close to anyone without being able to talk, being listened to and being fundamentally understood - it's vital to me. Relationships are surely all about communication - without that, what is there?

CherryMyBrandy · 02/11/2023 23:47

OK2023 · 02/11/2023 21:37

Thanks @YikYok . Yes he’s an introvert. He doesn’t like talking much generally.

I don’t really insist on two mins eye contact, it’s kind of a joke between us because basically I feel like all I see is the side of his head all day. Five seconds would be nice. One sentence.

I try and make space for his need for peace, but what about my needs as a person who unwinds by talking? Sometimes I feel we are incompatible :(

I do NOT think the answer is to forgo what you need or get it elsewhere! Talking is important to you, and you will start to drift apart I suspect if this continues. I would suggest trying the make some time when he's not shattered - perhaps at the weekend (can you get someone to watch the children for a short time in the day perhaps?), and say you need to talk to him about some important issues and you'd like to make time for that when he's not tired (so he's prepared). Then say to him that you understand his needs for relaxing without talking (so he knows that his needs are being considered and seen), but your needs are not being met (and if it's true, that you think this is going to start to affect how you feel about him and/or the relationship - nnot as a threat but so he can understand how important this is to you) and ask him how you can find a compromise that might work for both of you.

harerunner · 03/11/2023 05:56

It sounds like he's an introvert who recharges by time alone - and you're an extrovert who recharges by interaction with others.

I'm an introvert, though not an extreme one. If I'd had a full on day and only sat down at 8:30 after presumably being up very early (as he's going to bed so early) I'd be exhausted and don't think I'd want to engage immediately in a long conversation!

I'd be happy and want to talk after a while alone though - but obviously that's a problem if he's going to bed at 9:30!

Is there any way he can make his days less busy and stressful? Then he'd have more energy to give you.

Shoxfordian · 03/11/2023 06:00

It doesn't sound like you are compatible to me, has he always been like this? It's not very kind to act like conversation with you is just a chore not a pleasure.

SeulementUneFois · 03/11/2023 06:05

My DP is the same OP.
Not sure what to suggest.
Can you get someone else to help out with your child the odd time?

Original poster

OK2023 · 03/11/2023 07:40

@ShutTheDoorBabe Unfortunately he also doesn’t like to be leaned on or touched when he’s tired. He wants space. We have a massive sofa and he prefers sitting right on the other end.

He is an affectionate person really. He shows it in other ways. He’ll get me lunch for work when he knows I’ve forgotten about it. He’ll bring me a cup of tea in the morning so I don’t have to get up. He texted my dad the other day to try and help the situation and take some stress off me.

He just a bit of a wall especially when tired.

Tbh I do like watching TV together. We chat about the show sometimes.

It’s so hard when you have a young child. When times are bad they get worse if you know what I mean. I’m not going to give up though. He’s always been like this so we are both used to eachother by now!

Thanks everyone

OP posts:

C1N1C · 03/11/2023 07:58

It also depends on the subject. If it's hi honey, how was your day stuff, or that actress has put on weight, fine... but the last thing anyone wants after a long day is to be asked about organising the party next week or how that wall in the back still needs to be built... I.e. no talking shop.

People will no doubt disagree, but I think there's a special place in hell for people who talk after you've crawled in bed and turned the lights off... especially about chores etc.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/11/2023 08:02

A few questions.

is it his child too?
how old is he?
does he have a very demanding job?
what time does he get up?

9 o’clock seems to be very early for a fit and healthy Young man to want to go to bed every night.

FloweryName · 03/11/2023 08:02

I can’t understand where he’s coming from and it doesn’t make him a terrible partner. It’s normal to want to chill for an hour at the end of long and busy days working and then taking care of small children.

I understand that it’s also normal to want to talk to your partner, but it doesn’t sound like he doesn’t want to talk to you at all, he just doesn’t want to get into heavily conversations at night an hour before bedtime.

You need to find some way to compromise. You can’t expect to just change him into feeling the way you want him to feel.

curtaintwitchersannonymous · 03/11/2023 08:09

Don't you talk when you are making and eating dinner and with your child?

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 03/11/2023 08:11

Does he have time / energy to talk at the weekend?

Pizzalover46 · 03/11/2023 08:22

Perhaps he's burnt out from work and having a small child. I know the feeling, and especially if you've been talking all day to others at work. I need time by myself where no-one is touching or talking to me, it's just too much. However, I recognise when I'm getting like this and it's usually a sign I need to take some A/L and have time to do things on my own. Have you suggested this to him? And perhaps you could take a day or two off work (assuming you're at work) to spend some time together?

TwilightSkies · 03/11/2023 08:24

If he’s always been like this……maybe you just aren’t compatible. I can’t think of anything worse, after a long day of work, kids, housework, chaos, someone wanting to chat to me. I need space and silence. That’s why I stay single though!

ApolloandDaphne · 03/11/2023 08:31

I was like this when i was working (as a social worker). I was done in by the time i got home and had no chat for anyone. I am now retired but DH works long hours and is exhausted when he gets home and wants nothing more than dinner, TV and bed. He is much more chatty and forthcoming at the weekend so i save anything that needs an in depth chat for then. Maybe set aside some weekend time for yourselves to just generally be together and talk?

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