Grandparent rights? Narc mum is making threats

[Yellowbrick101]

To cut a long story short I have recently become estranged from my mum due to some very long standing behavioural issues on her part. She has always critised my parenting and all life choices and has said some vile things about and to my children recently as well as screaming at them over every slight. I decided that I wasn’t putting up with it anymore and have ignored any calls or voicemails since a particularly unkind text she sent.

She turned up at my childrens school to see them a few weeks ago and has now tried contacting my childrens father to gain access through him (we are seperated). Luckily he is used to her behaviour from over the years so is also ignoring her.

She has now left me an incredibly aggressive and threatening voicemail telling me that she will be having access to them with or without my consent. She will be taking me to court and/or start turning up at their school at collection and make me let her see them.

… not sure what the next step should be. Tempted to seek advice from police re: harrassment but that seems extreme. I’ve never stood up to her like this so I can recognise she is spiralling because she has totally lost control of the situation. It’s a really horrible situation to be in.

Would imagine first thing I would do would be to make absolutely sure the school know the children are never ever to be collected by her.

They don’t have any actual rights, and given she’s a pita, I don’t imagine she’d get far in court. Talk to the police in the first instance - the school need to know not to allow her to collect the kids

www.thefamilylawco.co.uk/information/what-are-grandparents-rights/

Just make the school aware that she's not allowed to collect them and ignore the rest.
She's trying to intimidate you, so be strong and hold your ground.

Thanks everyone. I have told the school. She had threatened to go there before she did so I had already pre-empted that and they have been great. They won’t let them leave with her but she can wait for me to collect them and then follow me to my car if she felt inclined.

I would tell her once that any attempt to turn up and follow you would result in you calling the police. I would then block her number.

you must follow through with this immediately if she does turn up.

Do you have more than one exit from school . I would be tempted to swap also …

keep all the messages . Ask their dad to do the same ..

I agree with pp if she persists this is harassment .

Start screen shotting messages/save voicemails. Keep a log of everything. I think the best thing here is to just keep quiet, no engagement. Let the dust settle. Can the kids do after school club so you pick up later?

Doubt she’d really take you to court unless she has very deep pockets, because it costs a bloody fortune and she’d get nowhere anyway. You can potentially report her to the police for harassment and get a restraining order taken out. You could speak to the police in the first instance for advice without making a formal complaint, or see a solicitor.

AFAIK there is no such thing as grandparents rights to access. So she's either mistaken or talking shite to intimidate you.

I would do some research on the issue, and then very clearly, in writing, set out that she has no legal right of access, and that if she continues to act as she does or escalates in any way you will report her to the police for harassment. A solicitors letter may be a good idea too.

You can report for harassment, but there won’t be a restraining order made unless she is charged/convicted in court. Exception might be a 28 day order.

what you can do is go straight to the civil court and apply for a non molestation order which will usually last 6 months to a year. You don’t necessarily need a solicitor for this but you can if you want. You need to provide evidence of the harassment but not to the extent you would in a criminal case. You can speak to a solicitor or read on the gov.Uk website and think about if you want to do this, or your local domestic abuse organisation would be happy to talk you through it.

I agree though that you need to alert the school. She has no rights at all st this point and is extremely unlikely to get any.

Agree with above. Keep a record of everything. Screenshot anything that could be deleted her end. Report any harassment to the police. If she can't get any where with dad/school she may report you to social services you need to make sure you are prepared. Do not send abuse to her or retaliate. Just ignore/block.

You can report for harrassement yes but the first thing you need to do is to make it absolutely clear, in writing so you've got evidence, that you don't want her contacting you, you don't want her contacting your children and you don't want her turning up at the school. Once you've told her, and she ignores it, THEN you can report. But before that, I suspect all the police will say is "well have you actually told her not to contact you?"

So I would do that, and then report to police if she doesn't comply.

Grandparents do of course have no rights - I am one and expect none. So do not let her intimidate you.

Grandparents do not have any rights in normal circumstances.

I've been in a similar position, OP. I notified both children's schools so that they were in the know - not because I really expected her to try and collect them. But it's helpful because schools can be very supportive in these situations. Eg she may feel less inclined to follow you to the car if the DHT is present at the school gate.

Grandparents also have no rights. If she were to pursue this through the court, she would have to evidence that she had played a significant role in their lives (eg helped raise them/had custody for some time) and that it would be detrimental to their wellbeing to lose her.

Ultimately, you are their parent. You have PR and she doesn't. You get to choose who plays a part in their lives. The authorities have no place in that decision unless they share PR and have reason to believe you are not competent to make that decision.

Thank you all for the advice and reassurance. She seems to target attacks like these during already stressful times in our lives just to twist the knife in and add to the load but I’m trying to not let it overwhelm me. I’m feeling much stronger now i’ve finally chosen that enough is enough.

She sounds a lot like my mum. My mum very much sees my 3 kids as ‘her grandchildren’ rather than my children or people in their own right. I think she, actually I know, she thinks that she is the more important figure in their lives. Ignoring her is the only way OP you won’t be able to reason with her

Did this ever go any further do you have any updates

She has no legal rights at all.
If you are good parents with no concerns there is nothing she can do.
Make sure school know she is not to take them.
Make sure your children know what to do if she approaches them - I don’t know how old they are!

Grandparents have no legal rights too their GC under normal circumstances, i know this as we went through this a few years ago ourselves trying to be able to see our GC.

If she is as bad as you make out, then i suggest you do log everything with the Police, lay the groundwork for later on as it were.

She is likely to start making spurious reports of neglect, probably through the police herself, then SS and then NSPCC. So prepare for lots of 'welfare checks' which won't be an issue as you are doing great.

Its good to hear the dad is onboard with you, and as others have said, make sure all childcare settings know that only designated persons are allowed to collect the children.