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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being hard work?

7 replies

Turningamumagain · 02/11/2023 19:52

So my boyfriend has recently swapped his office job to work with his dad and brother. He only had to go into the office 2 days a week and work from home the other days but was very flexible so could help come shopping etc while still working from his phone. His salary isn't going to change for now but potentially earn more in the future but he was unhappy and bored with the other job and enjoys it more in the family business so went for it. The difference now is he has to work 6 days a week 9-5 then he does some evenings too where he can get home as late as 11. This week he's working 7 days. He goes to the gym every morning before he sets off and football on a Monday evening too. We have a 2 year old a 12 and 16 year old. I'm a student nurse so do full time placement 6-8 weeks at a time then uni and assignments/training 6-8 weeks at a time. I also pick up bank shifts at work sometimes when I can too. I do all the housework sort the kids etc he seems to be in then out and straight in bed just leaving me with his washing. When he is at home in the evenings he tends to just sit on his phone working or scrolling so I feel like he's not that bothered about speaking to me. He wants to speak to me about his work but then has no interest in what I'm doing. I've explained how I'm struggling trying to juggle everything and feeling ignored. The change from having him to speak to a lot to now barely at all is a big change for me. He says it's not forever as they want to employ someone else to take some pressure off and I do know he's doing it for a better future for us but I just feel like times going to fly with our two year old and I don't want him missing out on her now. I also just feel like since we got together there's always been something priority over spending time with me. He has got an addictive personality so when he's focused on something he does become tunnel visioned. Am I being unfair to feel unhappy because that's how I'm feeling 🥺

OP posts:
Richie23 · 02/11/2023 20:21

I don’t think you’re being unfair.
Maybe stop doing his washing though. Your older kids could also do their own washing too.
Chat to him about how you don’t want him missing out on time with your 2 year old. He’s working and looking toward the future, but you’re living and struggling in the present so that needs to be communicated to him. There’s no point spending all this time now working and missing out on things so that you can have a bigger house or better holidays in the future, because by that time you’ll all be trying to rebuild relationships that haven’t been nurtured in the present.
Obviously you have to work - I just mean that you need to communicate it to him more.

rantinglunatic · 02/11/2023 20:22

Christ that sounds totally and utterly shit, I am really sorry

Turningamumagain · 02/11/2023 21:00

Richie23 · 02/11/2023 20:21

I don’t think you’re being unfair.
Maybe stop doing his washing though. Your older kids could also do their own washing too.
Chat to him about how you don’t want him missing out on time with your 2 year old. He’s working and looking toward the future, but you’re living and struggling in the present so that needs to be communicated to him. There’s no point spending all this time now working and missing out on things so that you can have a bigger house or better holidays in the future, because by that time you’ll all be trying to rebuild relationships that haven’t been nurtured in the present.
Obviously you have to work - I just mean that you need to communicate it to him more.

Thank you this is exactly what I've always tried to get through to him. He's always been so focused on being financially successful but he doesn't just stay long enough in the now to enjoy it. We have everything we need for now we struggle a bit sometimes financially but we get by. His parents are workaholics too so that's where he gets it from and I don't feel they empathise with me. He says he's having next week off as he's burnt out but I start my placement next week. I will try to speak to him then though 🙏🏻

OP posts:
Epidote · 02/11/2023 21:01

I would assume he wasn't doing anything anyway it the house and around the kid when he was in the other job. If that is correct, the fact that he works a different pattern shouldn't change the outcome. He was lazy before and he is lazy now, however, now he has a better excuse.

Turningamumagain · 02/11/2023 21:16

Epidote · 02/11/2023 21:01

I would assume he wasn't doing anything anyway it the house and around the kid when he was in the other job. If that is correct, the fact that he works a different pattern shouldn't change the outcome. He was lazy before and he is lazy now, however, now he has a better excuse.

Yes you are right with that if anything the house stays a bit tidier for longer because he's not here but we did used to do more together like days out on weekends, shopping and things like that when we're both home during the week lunch out together. So it's that I'm missing now really rather than the help as such. Just company.

OP posts:
Precipice · 02/11/2023 21:17

He's being selfish and self-obsessed. He has time to go to the gym and to football (so to indulge his hobbies and have a fun time), but not to wash his own clothes or clean the house (activities necessary to be done every so often) or spend time with his children (his duty as a father). He's not the centre of the world.

You're not 'hard work'. He is. What, beyond a financial contribution to the household, benefit is he bringing to your life and the life of the children you have together?

Turningamumagain · 02/11/2023 21:30

Precipice · 02/11/2023 21:17

He's being selfish and self-obsessed. He has time to go to the gym and to football (so to indulge his hobbies and have a fun time), but not to wash his own clothes or clean the house (activities necessary to be done every so often) or spend time with his children (his duty as a father). He's not the centre of the world.

You're not 'hard work'. He is. What, beyond a financial contribution to the household, benefit is he bringing to your life and the life of the children you have together?

I totally agree, the gym is a new thing he's probably been going every week day for probably about a month in the morning and become quite obsessed. When we met he is 4 years younger than me and I had two children from a previous relationship who he was amazing with he loves them as his own, spoilt them, bought us a house for us in my area which is 40
Min away from where he's from. Before this last month we were both home/family people. Ye he's lazy around the house which drives me insane but I always just think there's a lot worse out there. It's all just changed and now I feel exactly that what is he bringing other than finances to our relationship 😓

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